...260702, 1505hr, central time...

personally, i don't like the angsty, negative journals that some people write, because i always felt that no matter how angry or screwed up you feel, there's always something good in your life. no matter how small, there's always something good, and you just need to open your eyes and stick your head out of your cave to see them. and this is only for the poor poor souls who are seriously unhappy. for the people who rant only because it makes them look cool, i have no advice for them, because well, they won't want it anyway.

i try not to write about my negative emotions so much, because they tend to freak people out. agnes says that she feels closer to me, though we're so far apart, compared to some of our other friends in singapore, partly because of this journal. because my words and my feelings are truer here, than anywhere else. this is where i really just say what's on my mind. in the past, even as we email or write snail mail, i tend to sound more cheery than i actually am feeling. even when i speak of being lonely, sad, hurt, i still tend to sound more optimistic about feeling better. it sounds hypocritical doesn't it, but it comes from my wish to be strong, so the people around me, especially the friends i love, don't have to worry about me. so they can feel comfortable being around me, so they can share their burdens with me if they need to. i'm perfectly fine with playing that role when i'm with my friends, because someone just has to, why not me. and my family, of course. i'm definitely cheery, whenever i talk to my mom, she doesn't need to know about the darker emotions, but that's not because i think she cannot handle them, but because i want her to know that i can take care of myself and that's hard to convince if i appear as emotionally stable as a crying baby.

but here, this is different. this is my journal, where i really talk to myself. though i know i have an audience, i guess i'm enough of an exhibitionist and egoist to not try to entertain with fake words. here, i feel that there's no need to pretend to be okay when i know i'm not. no need to tell myself that things will be okay, if i don't feel like it. so sometimes i write these horrible angry entries about how i wish the earth will swallow me whole and how the sky is crying for me. [which by the way was something i would say if i had written earlier today - i was greeted this morning by a gloomy rainy morning.] i cringe when i read them again some time later, because they remind me of the angsty journals i don't like. [y'know, those with the black backgrounds and angry disclaimers that threaten to bite if anyone tries to get too close.] and yesterday's entry is one of those.

and so today, i read that entry again, and i cringed. but i'm not sorry for writing it, because that's how i felt last night, and the feelings are still fresh today. i am feeling a little better, so no more of the let-me-sink-into-the-ground stuff, but i still cannot bear to smile.

and i'm still tired. this whole "conditioning" thing, trying to make myself feel better. some friends recommended me watching some soppy tearjerkers so i can cry and cleanse my soul, rid my emotional stress, whatever. others recommended me watching comedies, going shopping, the happy stuff. it's funny how people react differently to negative emotions. guess what, i think some days you should just let it be. i still feel rather down today, and i don't want to do anything about it, because there's nothing more i can do for myself, beyond what i'm already doing.

there's another reason i don't like presenting my negative feelings in my letters and emails - because the recipients always feel like they need to comfort me, and tell me how to feel better. emotion-conditioning, this is my word for it. everyone wants to feel like they have control over their feelings...well, if you have so much control over it, it's not true feelings. it's what you *think* you feel. the normal human being can only control majority of physical actions, some thoughts, and very little feelings.

kapish?