...250702, 2121hr, central time...

the day went by in a zoom. i finally managed to finish my lab report, 11 glorious pages of stuff, i wish i can be more eloquent in describing how much of my blood and soul went into this lab report, but well. i'm kinda zombie-fied. sleepness in illinois, that's me last night. and i'm gravitating towards the bed this very minute. yet, i really just have to write right now. i just have to write.

this week has been horrible, besides in the amount of work that's to be done, there's also the amount of personal disappointments, and disillusions.

my yahoo email signature reads, "Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall." such wisdom, from confucius. such simplicity. such difficulty. life is but a cycle, you fall and then you rise, and then you fall again. right? wrong. wrong, because after a few such cycles, you get tired of rising everytime only to fall again. you see the pattern, and you say, "aha, i shall not be deceived again. why bother. it's futile."

i feel very beaten down this week. not by anyone, but by myself. my self-esteem is at its lowest, i lost my faith in everything i used to believe in, i couldn't make up my mind about anything, i've basically become the person i didn't want to become. i want to blame someone but couldn't find anyone to blame, because though men appear to be the designated heartbreakers, only i am responsible for my own happiness and no one else. that quote, that inspirational quote that i send to people everyday, with my mails - i hardly feel inspired again, i just want to laugh at myself. because this time i've fallen so hard i'm already on the ground and still wish the ground would swallow me whole to see if i can go any lower, i'm that sick. i speak daily of courage, strength, personal glory, pride and confidence, like they're my treasures. maybe they got stolen, but i don't remember how to be strong, brave, proud and confident anymore.

i read some of my oldest journal entries, god i soundeded like a total bimbo. i don't remember if i really was so carefree and superficial back then, or if i simply hadn't fully appreciated the venting venue i had on the www during those early journalling days. but right now, i wish i am a bimbo again. a simple-minded girl who can just cry her worries away, rave in joy, rant in bitchiness, but not drown in sorrow. and not think so much about why she should why, why she cannot cry, why therefore she shouldn't cry. or why she's the most disgusting self-pitying whiner on earth.

like i've said before, i'm the queen of over-analysis, i think i've just analyzed myself to death.

i've beaten myself down to my fundamentals, by questioning my every move, every decision, every piece of faith, and i'm disintegrating because i don't think i believe in myself anymore. and suddenly the ground beneath me seems to have come loose, perhaps i will be swallowed into the center of the earth after all. and it's not a pleasant feeling. it feels like the end of the world, it's like everything is crumbling right before my eyes.

except it only affects me, but none of these sunshine summer people around me. the illinois sun continues to shine on me, but the inner me is stuck in the bitter winter of antartica.

the outer me still has to go to class and her lab, do her lab report, take her meciation, smile and joke, email and think about her future. yes, the outer me does that now, that's "superficial" thinking now, because the future feels so far away they hardly mean anything compared to the heaviness i feel right here and right now. the whole time, dragging my physical body through the daily motion of a vague resemblance of an active life, the inner me is quietly contemplating if the future holds any firmer land than the present.

i sound like a complete wreck, talking in rhymes and acting like i'm going to kill myself. but see, that's part of the problem. i only act like i'm going to kill myself, but i know i won't, because the confucius quote still sticks to my mind and i have that teensy weensy bit of consciousness left to remember i despise suicide. and then i get all screwed up inside out wondering if my angel or my devil will win tomorrow, hoping somehow by some miracle tomorrow will be a better day. there's no more conviction that tomorrow will be better, there's only a desperate hope.

i think i need to get some sleep. see if my guardian angel will bring me some blessing tonight, so i start tomorrow again with more strength to get up again. i think i'm just tired. i've been trying all week to pull myself out of this rut but everytime my hands slip i fall only deeper into the crevices of the darkness i created myself. i'm tired, but i can only keep trying. day after day, night after night.