030602, 0111hr, singapore time.

i got back yesterday - last night actually, haven't had time to even check my email till today. spent the whole day doing housework - it's amazing how filthy guys can be when left alone. my dad and my brother both didn't go to china with mom and i, and they seemingly also didn't bother to keep the house clean. didn't do their own laundry. gosh. did the whole week's worth of dirty clothes, and clothes left from the week before that haven't been ironed. my arms are aching so badly now. argh.

the trip was quite fun actually. it started out bad. first of all, it turns out there were only 5 people in the group, we were ousted from the original group that had too many people. very very disturbing, cos then i also turned out to be the youngest one in the group, and the fittest. i ended up helping our tour guide take care of everyone [including a 71 year old amah] and in fact carrying the bags for them, since even the tour guide was kinda small built. i was hoping to blend into the background in the tour group, left alone, so i could really have some introspective alone time. not meant to be so. i was sticking out like a sore thumb.

it's an experience spending a week with women all older than me though. spending so much time with mom was both a good idea and a bad idea...good because at least we got to walk hand in hand, and we got to share some thoughts, feelings and even secrets. but it's also bad because then i also realize why i felt so stifled when i was at home before i left for the states - my mom really isn't an easy person to live with. not so much that she's mean or whatever, but we're just different, and i had to remind myself sometimes to be patient with her. i do love her, but sometimes we do clash.

china is a beautiful place, indeed it is. my mom got a little impatient with the temples and ancient tombs that we visited, and the amount of walking we had to do. but i was i was perfectly fine with them. very intrigued by chinese history, the chinese language, culture and spirit. in shanghai, the tour guide pointed out these two building along wai tan. one of them was built by the british, and the other one only one built by the chinese in that area, which was the main commercial area in the 1930s Shanghai. it was the period in chinese history where foreign countries all came to china, took advantage of the weak government, and literally collectively took control of shanghai and other parts of china. when chinese architects designed that building then, it was originally planned to be much higher than what it is now, situated next to the british one. but the british authorities were absolutely outraged, that their building was to be shorter than a chinese one, so the chinese were forced to reduce the height to be one meter shorter than the british building. imagine the humiliation, to not even be able to decide the height of one's own buildings, on one's own land? indeed, it was an era of chinese weakness and disgrace. but after the building was completed, the chinese erected a chinese flag on top of the building, and the chinese flag flew higher than the british building - sort of a subtle way to defy british authorities and to signify that the chinese will always find another way out.

isn't that an amazing story? there're so many more. many folktales, myths, historical accounts, so on and so forth.

and the chinese language is so beautiful, i really think so. i also feel very disgraced by my own lack of reasonable mastery. the whole time, as i looked out of the window of our tour coach, i would read all the road signs, and i'll realize how many words i've forgotten how to write, and how many words i don't even recognize. i'm not so bothered by the words i don't recognize, but i'm very disturbed by the words i've forgotten. very sad.

i told my mom about how i originally thought very seriously about pursuing the chinese literature as a subject in jc, but gave it up for biology instead. she didn't really understand why i would want to study chinese literature, except for the $1000 that i could have gotten as a scholarship. [one example of how exasperating my mom can be.] not that my reason for not going for it was all that noble either. besides my interest in biology and thoughts of pursuing medicine as a profession, i was also repelled by the fact that studying chinese usually leads to either chinese journalism or teaching, at least in singapore. especially for a mediocre creative writer like me who had nothing published, beyond some school publications. i already tried journalism as a student journalist, but i didn't like it. i could have gone for teaching, yet i knew that teaching is largely a thankless job these days. so to me, despite my love for the culture, pursuing chinese academically meant running into a dead end. so i stopped there, i didn't study any more chinese since i was 16. and look where my chinese standard is now. tsk tsk me.

anyway, it's been a good trip overall, brought me some other interesting thoughts too. maybe i'll share them someday.

it's counting down to returning to chambana. no, not looking forward to it. i don't want to sound so determined to be miserable doing summer school, but i really feel quite pessimistic about it. i've not rested enough! i've not met up with all my friends! i didn't even dare tell everyone that i was back. some of those who knew have not contacted me and i've not contacted them either because i've been too busy with just the ones who have. sounds like i have a lot of friends? more like i have very little time. sigh.

i'm leaving on friday morning. as always, wayy too early in the morning. will have to sleep, wake up, mechanically drag my butt to the airport, and not even realize all the love and warmth i'm leaving behind till i'm already in the air, halfway to narita, tokyo. sigh. counting down.