280402, 1322hr, central time.

the mark morris dance group was great! much better than i expected, though i've already seen one of their shows last semester and really liked it too. this time, they had live music - piano, cello, violin - playing the classical pieces they danced too. omigosh, it's like 2 shows for the price of 1.

mildly distracted though, by the music. besides my usual fascination with the violin and the piano, that is. i found a new appreciation for the cello. hmm. i used to think it's a very obscene instrument to play, working out between your legs, literally. but i read somewhere, oops, i don't remember where. but someone who plays the cello, commented that playing the cello brings new relevations on the real kind of music playing, because you practically hug the instrument, and you feel it vibrate, between your thighs, producing deep and full notes that make the melody. it's almost orgasmic, i was told. hmmmmm. i like the sound of the cello - there's a certain soulful quality to it, like the violin. but it's deeper and seemingly more thoughtful, rather than purely emotional the way the violin is.

another thought that came to my mind - i can never become a musician. i make a great listener, and supporter. but i can never play music to the level of perfection demanded. i realize while music playing has a lot to do with talent, it's also a lot to do with relentless practising, seeking perfection, in every single piece, every phrase, every note. a mild flick of the wrist can make all the difference. sloppy peddling can ruin the entire piece. to me, however, i never played music like that. i like playing it to my mood. the very same piece, i may interpret it to different paces and expressions, depending on my emotional state of mind, and the technical perfection is totally inconsequential to me. [or my past piano teachers may bitterly tell you that's because i'm too lazy to attain that level of technical brilliance anyway. heh.]

the morning of the day i sold my piano, i played on it one last time. it was the best i've ever played, despite the countless mistakes i made - lack of practice - because i really felt myself getting into the music, i was upset that i had to let my piano go, i was upset that i had wasted all the time i actually had with it, not playing as much as i had wanted to. i was mostly upset because i knew that when i come home from class that day, i will be greeted by an empty space in the corner that once housed my piano. i felt responsible for that piano, and i felt that i've let it down for not playing it, taking care of it, and not even really getting it a good home. [yes, i don't like the buyer who finally got the piano.] so i played, one last time, and i guess my emotions showed. as i stepped away from the bench, to go for class, wenqiang commented that i played with a lot of emotion. i took it as a complement. that also meant that i don't like playing to an audience, because it makes me more conscious of my mistakes, and i fear showing too much of my feelings through the music. i'm simply not a performer, the way i play.

i find myself keeping more to myself these days, my thoughts and my emotions. the end of the semester is coming, i am going to japan, my relationship with alvin is coming to a turning point, or whatever. maybe my thoughts aren't really triggered by all these things anyway. but whatever it is, it is overwhelming, to have contradictory emotions and thoughts, and bottling them all up, for whatever reasons. one reason is of course, like i said before, i cannot articulate through words, obstructed by my lack of mastery of this language. [or any language, actually.] words is not an effective vehicle for me. now, i'm thinking music could have worked. i miss my piano.

oh well. that's just the way it is, i guess.