060302, 2123hr, central time.

my psc scholarship officers came and left. i didn't really do all that much with them, just picked them up from the airport on monday with wenqiang and had supper monday night, then the official dinner with them last night, and this morning chong kian sent them off at the airport. tk very sweetly sent me an email when he read my snapping entry, and said i could look forward to the psc dinner, because after all psc will be footing the bill, so i would be able to order whatever i wanted at biaggi's. yeah, i guess the food was quite comforting. but i actually came back from the dinner more exhausted than i should be. truly, the socializing part of the dinner sapped all the energy i ever had in my body. bleah. i wish i didn't have that damn homework haunting me in my head. i wish i enjoyed myself more, i really should have.

but oh well, that's already over and done with. the homework came and went too, i handed it in this morning still with no freaking idea why this is this and why that is that. oh well. i'll just kill myself over next week's homework next week.

i've been thinking a lot though, specifically on my flight to california and back. i like thinking through stuff in my head on the plane, i think the amount of time you have kinda corners you into thinking about things you subconciously chose not to confront in the daily grind of life. so anyway, i was thinking on the plane. [you can tell this entry really isn't flowing all that well.]

during the flight from st louis to san fran, sitting in the row before me, was this really old couple [did i mention the weakness i have for old loving couples?] the man had little tufts of white hair, the woman is younger i think, her hair is more of grey than white. it's just really sweet, catching little glimpses of their loving bond. the air-stewardess asked if they would like coffee or tea. the man was sitting by the aisle, he ordered for both of them. "for her, tea with sugar please. ah, yes, one packet would be enough. for me, tea with just a slice of lemon please. no, no sugar. she's the sweet one." haha...i'm not sure if he meant to say it that way, or i was just reading too much into it. [or maybe i misheard.] but really, it touched me so much.

i wondered where they were going. home? or visiting? for what ocassion? and then i wondered if i'll ever come to a day with my darling, when he'll know exactly how i like my tea, my coffee, whatever. when he proudly shows those little signs of adoration.

and then i thought about my mom, about how she cooks special dishes on days she knows my dad would be home early for dinner. about how my dad sometimes secretly holds her shoulders when walking all of us. about how my parents have been through so much together. truth be told, my parents have very humble beginnings. the sacrifices my mom made, for her maiden family, for dad, for us. i remember my mom telling me one day about the times when my brothers and i were still staying at grandma's house up in the kampong. my parents could only come visit during the weekend, and mom told me whenever it came time for them to leave, i wouldn't stop crying, and her heart would break, getting onto the scooter, to go back to the city, where she has to continue toiling and saving, to try get a more permanent place to set up as home. a home where all 5 of us can finally be together. how did it feel? to sit on a scooter with dad, leaving grandma's house. they had to keep going, in order to get back in time to prepare for work the next day.

luckily, my parents have made it now. living in private property in singapore, of course i cannot deny that my parents provide a very comfortable life for me. but none of this can be taken for granted. my parents have been through hard times to be where they are right now, and i don't feel like i should take away any part of it. they provide me with the security net, so i know i can always still have a home to go back to if i fail and fall, but i don't want to be any more dependent on them. i don't want to use their money, and i don't want them to worry for me. i want them to grow to be as old as that couple on the plane, when they can travel whenever and wherever they want to, to do whatever they want. sometimes, instead of just trying to be as financially independent, i wish i'm already working, so i can even support them. so dad doesn't have to worry about the economy and the recession, so mom can ditch those brat students she has. so they can take a rest, and let me take care of them. sigh.

at the end of her story, my mom said, when it rained, when she was riding the scooter with dad, dad would block away most of the rain, but some of rain would of course hit her. it really hurt, since they were travelling as quickly as they could. and it was cold. but the most horrible feeling of all, was still the guilt of abandoning crying me at grandma's house. and then she laughed, and teased, "yeah, you had always been a crybaby." and yes, i wanted to cry.