s . l . s . b . --- today

240102, 2202hr, central time.

i wonder if anyone else had the same reaction, reading tribolum.com's very touching blog about his. and the entry by noah about his david. did anyone else feel enlightened?

sometimes, i read some pretty depressing stuff online - jounrnals have a tendency to be whiny [yes, stop pointing fingers at me] and depressing. because it is where people can talk without being interrupted. without feeling guilty for being self-absorbed. without fearing no one's listening. [come on, if you say a "fuck" anywhere in your page, it might just show up on google's search engine. porn-seekers. potential audience. not too appreciative, but still there for ya!]

i'm guilty of it too. reading back on my 1999-2000 entries, i realise to my horror i'm a freaking melodramatic lunatic. some people of course have real problems, and they document their struggles and recovery on the www. i admire them for putting their lives out there to share, to motivate others and such. but face it, most of us are just whiners who don't appreciate what we already have. i know i was probably a bitch about alvin the past few days. [blame my hormones!] i remember talking to poachie about not knowing if i love him. i remember being spiteful towards him for no good reason. i remember asking myself why i should continue in couplehood when both he and i can possibly be better off without it. my goodness, i can't believe i thought all that evil stuff.

i've stopped being appreciative, and i'm sorry.

[...] <--- insert mushy stuff

the truth is, i do love him. [argh, don't quote me!] i love him for being all that he is, i love him for being right by my side every morning and night, i love him for being the so genuinely clueless sometimes, i love him for loving me. [yes, though sometimes it isn't quite so obvious, i do believe he loves me too.] i'm not really getting the "couple" thing, i'm very out of practise i guess. i'm especially out of practise being a girlfriend of someone i so care about. little steps at a time, little steps.

[with my hormonal rages subsiding] now, i feel very contented. i can't look for into the future, everything is so uncertain right now. will he stay for grad school? will we be able to make it past the japan-US distance? will he go back to singapore? it's all too depressing for me, sometimes. but for now, *grin* i'm happy.

swoon swoon.

s . l . s . b .
[ stuff . . . ] feeling: exhausted food: bagel with cheese CD: still the same english CD - see, everytime i leave the room, i stop the CD. then when i start it again, it starts from the first song. haha. i'll never finish the CD like that! show: kate and leopold reading: feminist perspective on security - Tickner surfin': looking forward: scheduling a dinner with some old jap classmates. goodness: yesterday, someone [i think it's clems] bought this whole box of little packs of bubble gum, and gave me a pack - the kind i used to eat in singapore! which means it's waaaay back, of course. the kind that is fruity flavored, and comes in little balls. yum yum. i popped all four balls at one go, and bham, it's just a whole mouthful of artificially flavored fruity sweetness. before i had too much fun with it though, i got too lazy to chew, so i dumped it when the flavor faded away. but still. yummy nostalgia.
[ say . . . ] 240102, 2202hr, central time. i wonder if anyone else had the same reaction, reading tribolum.com's very touching blog about his. and the entry by noah about his david. did anyone else feel enlightened? sometimes, i read some pretty depressing stuff online - jounrnals have a tendency to be whiny [yes, stop pointing fingers at me] and depressing. because it is where people can talk without being interrupted. without feeling guilty for being self-absorbed. without fearing no one's listening. [come on, if you say a "fuck" anywhere in your page, it might just show up on google's search engine. porn-seekers. potential audience. not too appreciative, but still there for ya!] i'm guilty of it too. reading back on my 1999-2000 entries, i realise to my horror i'm a freaking melodramatic lunatic. some people of course have real problems, and they document their struggles and recovery on the www. i admire them for putting their lives out there to share, to motivate others and such. but face it, most of us are just whiners who don't appreciate what we already have. i know i was probably a bitch about alvin the past few days. [blame my hormones!] i remember talking to poachie about not knowing if i love him. i remember being spiteful towards him for no good reason. i remember asking myself why i should continue in couplehood when both he and i can possibly be better off without it. my goodness, i can't believe i thought all that evil stuff. i've stopped being appreciative, and i'm sorry. [...] <--- insert mushy stuff the truth is, i do love him. [argh, don't quote me!] i love him for being all that he is, i love him for being right by my side every morning and night, i love him for being the so genuinely clueless sometimes, i love him for loving me. [yes, though sometimes it isn't quite so obvious, i do believe he loves me too.] i'm not really getting the "couple" thing, i'm very out of practise i guess. i'm especially out of practise being a girlfriend of someone i so care about. little steps at a time, little steps. [with my hormonal rages subsiding] now, i feel very contented. i can't look for into the future, everything is so uncertain right now. will he stay for grad school? will we be able to make it past the japan-US distance? will he go back to singapore? it's all too depressing for me, sometimes. but for now, grin i'm happy. swoon swoon.
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