151001, 2044hr, illinois time.

it's been a rainy day, terrible, drizzling nonstop since the first drop of rain fell upon my nicely washed and smelling good hair around 1pm today. i missed my afternoon biomed imaging lecture, because i fell asleep after i came home for lunch. been coming home for lunch a lot, after i realised it's really not worth it to spend that 3 bucks on food i don't even enjoy that much. i'd might as well come home and eat equally low quality food, but at a lower cost. except today, the costs include also missing my lecture. ah, i feel so guilty. right. =)

i have a love hate relationship with water, i think. i love the sea, but i hate the rain. i love being by the beach. one of the things i hate about being here in uiuc is that there's no decent sea or lake within reasonable distance. it's such a big constrast with dear ol' singapore, surrounded with water all the way around. being in the middle of this huge piece of flat land makes me feel quite claustrophobic, i can't quite explain why. in my freshman year, when i went to california for winter, my favourite pictures were taken by the beach, the huge stretch of sand, the clear blue sky above the seemingly endless ocean. really, i should put those pictures up soon.

when i was troubled, i used to go swimming at the pool, especially when i was in singapore. i cannot forget the one time, when i swam despite the pouring rain. [yes, the lifeguard should have stopped me, but he didn't. heh.] it was amazing, submerged in the water, watching the water-air interface above me constantly being disturbed by the failing rain. hearing this weird dull sounds of percussion caused by rain falling into the water. right there, it was like everything was in slow motion, and everything outside of the water were distorted beyond recognition, and were not important anymore. i watched ghost in the shell a couple of weeks back with alvin, one of the most enchanting scenes i saw, was the part when the girl emerged from her diving, rising slowly up to the water surface, breaking the perfect reflection of her on the precise moment she rose above the water level. i think that was simply beautiful. especially when you imagine the unknown dark depth beneath her, being in the sea. as opposed to little me in little old yck swimming pool. being sumberged in water always gives me this feeling of new perspective, sometimes escapism. which i need, once in a while.

i used to like rain, when i was in rgs, modesty protected by the navy blue pinafore, i liked walking in the rain, especially walking home from the busstop, because i would be walking alone, completely owning the moment, like it was purely my own and no one else's. there wasn't anyone to judge my behavior, cos i usually got home in the afternoon and no one would be home. there wasn't anyone to share the experience with, but that was still fine, i shared it with myself. if i was slow enough, walking in the rain always helped me clear my thoughts, and cleanse my mind of trivial worries. plus, it was always nice to be able to go home and jump into a hot shower or bath immediately. and have a mug of hot milo. yum.

far east plaza, the teenager favorite hangout place was so near the school, sometimes my friends and i would walk there, even in the rain. when we get to the macdonalds there, we would be dripping wet, but we would be such high spirits it didn't matter. in fact, we were probably so obnoxious and oblivious then, to what other people thought of these girls wet from head to toe and laughing hysterically every 5 minutes. i like to complain to my old friends the one time when i walked with minz to far east in pouring rain. it took just 30 seconds in that rain to get dripping wet, and there wasn't any other reason for us going to orchard then, except she wanted to go buy her black lipstick. and there wasn't any reason i had to go with her. but i did. and i whined about it till today. but really, i loved that experience. it was liberating, i remember it till today. though i cannot remember if minz got her black lipstick after all. probably not, think there was something about wanting to walk to the outlet in marina square to try her luck, but i'm sure i refused. one liberating walk in the rain a day is enough, thank you very much.

stretching my memory further back, when i was young and still staying in malaysia, there used to be this huge drain outside my house. maybe it's not actually huge, but in my kiddy eyes, it was huge. when it rained, water would be rushing through the drain, and my brother and i would sneak outside to play in the drain. my mom naturally was very against us doing that, firstly of course because the water was dirty and secondly because she was worried we would get washed down the drain if we slipped. we must have really caused her quite a headache. ah, but those were the days, when i looked outside the window, willing the sky to drop water upon us, so we could go out to play in the drain. it was funny, now that i think of it.

but these days, i hate the rain. i hate being cold and wet, i worry about my clothes or jacket getting water stains, and i whine about looking like medusa when my hair gets wet, i complain about getting pimples from the dirt. there's really no big crashing relevation point when i declared that i disown my affiliation with rain. but gradually, it just felt less tempting, to walk in the rain, or to indulge in crazy behavior in dirty water. it's funny, i associated those times with freedom, happiness and revelation. i wish i could have those days back, today. sigh, alas, as i walked home today in the rain, huddled up in my jacket, i just felt cold. and it's not just a matter of illinois weather being too cold to enjoy the rain anymore. over summer when i was in singapore, one time, it was raining by the time i got to the yck mrt station, and it was about 8 or 9 at night, so that was the perfect time for me to walk home in the rain. the old me would have jumped at that chance, to indulge in the rebellious behavior. but i didn't. i called home and got my brother to come pick me up instead. i've become such a water wuss, really. now, i wonder if i would have enjoyed the moment if i had walked home in the rain. if i would possibly have created a new revelation from such an experience, and therefore avoid the whole crap i got myself into over summer. but oh, that's another story for another time. sigh. maybe i have to seek my liberation elsewhere, maybe i've come to a stage when the cliche idea of walking in the rain doesn't work for me anymore.

will there come a day when i come to the sea, and fail to feel uplifted and rejuvenated. the day that happens, it'll probably be the day when i get eternally lost, in self-absorption. god, now that would be scary.