021001, 2325hr, illinois time.

i've been in a terrible mood today. i think the stress is finally getting to me. the amount of work i have to do, the midterms, the pressure to do well, it's finally all hit me today, apparently. or maybe it's not the stress, i don't know. i was quite nasty today to alvin, snapping at him, or at least almost snapping at him, at least twice. i don't know how i lose my sense of humour with him today, but i felt quite bad about it. i vaguely mentioned that i was in a bad mood, hopefully he gets it as a hint to leave me alone before getting attacked for no good reason.

there have been some complaints among some of us, over the mid-autumn festival celebrations the ssa organised for this sunday. basically over the costs, and how the things had been done. i undertook the stupid job of forwarding the complaining emails to the current committee, so they can know how we feel about it. telling them how we don't like how expensive it is, basically, and why we have to hold such an extravaganza for a kinship and friendship oriented festival like the mooncake festival.

on one hand, i know why people are complaining, and why they would prefer a simple more cosy gathering of fellow singaporeans, for a cuppa tea and some mooncake. i would definitely prefer that too, simpler is better. but apparently the committee didn't think so, they chose to colaborate with the taiwanese group, to hold a more elaborate event, with performances, a fashion show and all. and basically the end result is that the total cost has gone up, so has the ticket price. and people are wondering if it's worth it to pay $6 or $8 when all they want is really some mooncake and chitchat. [why there're 2 prices is yet another controversy, sigh, i shan't get into it.]

but on the other hand, i know how much trouble the comm had been through; i know how sometimes the committee really just asks for understanding, and some margin for error. my committee didn't do everything perfectly last year either. there was a rather irritating screw up for last year's mid-autumn festival too, but people nicely overlooked it. this time, it's not even a definite thing that people won't be enjoying the different atmosphere this year, the price is just the upfront off-putting thing that's most obvious and easy to pick on. so i really feel very uncomfortable, forwarding all thse negative feelings to them, knowing that they probably don't deserve more stress from us right now.

i think i'm too weak and soft - if they deserve the criticism, giving it to them is the right thing to do, isn't it? i mentioned in my mails to the group that they had to learn from their mistakes and that we [as in non-comm members] should guide them along. but i also ask, why should we have the dominance and supposed wisdom above them? we're really just fellow singaporeans, we elected these people into their positions, they're smart people, they're not that much younger than us, most of them actually older than i am. besides, being an ex-comm member, i have this very strong haunting feeling that they'll feel intruded, by my interference, like i holding on to my old position, like i know better. which i know would be very patronizing, and give them even more pressure. terrible.

i don't know, the issue has more or less cooled off, cos we've already said all we wanted to say, we're just waiting for a reply from the president now, i guess. i don't think there will be any reply that can surprise me, so i consider this issue concluded. sigh. when was the last time i was worrying so much about an organisation, feeling so concerned? huang cheng. ended in disappointment, and disillusion. i just never learn, i guess, hahaha...

* * *

i took a long slow walk home just now, after spending some time trying to study for my japanese midterm tomorrow but found the hiragana and katakana words floating before my eyes in a swirl of blurness. stepping out, taking slow deep breaths as i walked, i felt better. the moon tonight is beautiful - i'm not sure if it's really full moon, but it looks like it. as i walked, i felt rather cold. i thought perhaps i would warm up a little by the time i pick up momentum. but funnily, the chill wouldn't leave me. i looked up the sky, stared at the moon, and i wondered. about why i feel so melancholic today. why.