250901, 1515hr, illinois time.

a couple more uiuc people just discovered my website. i happaned to use sidat's computer once to look at my website, he noticed, and i showed him a few pages, mostly where i mentioned his name. tiongkeat always had the link, but he never really checked it out, till last night. he was very shocked that i lay so much of my personal life out in the open like this. actually, of course this isn't everything. i wish my life can be as simple as this, but most of the time, what i say here is really a small fraction of what i actually go through, think and feel, as a whole.

i like the way tk tells me what he thinks after reading some entries though, or at least point out the entries that he liked. i do appreciate feedback like that. wallace got inspired by my entry on sunday about God and destiny, and we're having a philosophical debate now. i'm glad it at least provoked a response from him.

after tk pointed out the entries that he liked, i reread what i wrote for the past couple of months. it felt strange, reviewing all that i went through. it still seems quite incredulous that it's only been slightly more than a month since i got back to campus. it felt like a long time. it felt like it was eons ago, that i had E sitting by me, cracking stupid a-beng jokes that i can't remember being so funny now. addy sent me a picture of my last gathering with the rgs people, at raffles hotel. i had a glass of singapore sling in one hand, grinning like an idiot into the camera. not a complimentary picture at all, so don't expect it to come up on this site anytime soon. heh.

anyway, i would say it's a surreal experience, reading my past entries one by one, like i'm fast-forward-ing my way through the past 2 months, some very exciting romantic experiences, amongst other things. the ups and the downs gave my heart quite a workout.

i felt so lonely last night. it was a cold night. i went out with alvin, but i couldn't do any work at all, first of all because all those psychology terms are confusing the hell out of me, and secondly because i couldn't stop thinking of my friends, my family, and him. sigh. i guess i do miss him. yes, i dare say i do miss him. but i don't see it as a betrayal of my decision to deny the relationship, or that i really do love him after all. but this does show that the supposed closure that i seek, is not in me yet. no, it's not over. sigh.

at least i hope i'm making little steps in the right direction. at least i dare say i miss him. at least i've stopped being so defensive. at least i can acknowledge the pain now. both his, and mine.

i remember when i asked him why he bought me that sweater [re: 053101], he said, "because i wanted you to feel a little warmer." and it really touched me, though of course it sounds like normal common sense. i guess that's what he's always provided for me - making me feel a little warmer, whether in his way of talking to me like i'm already part of his life, or his pathetic attempt at cooking a birthday feast for me. i felt so warm, from the inside, in a way that i had not felt for a long time. and which i will not feel for a long time to come.

after reading my past entries, tk very cautiously asked, are you ok now? i laughed and said, yes. yes, of course i'm ok. but i can of course be better. i just hope i'm on my way there.