040901, 1515hr, illinois time.

i was lying. i was upset yesterday not because of the ugly cake. i mean, an ugly cake is frankly quite a stupid reason to sulk. besides, it tasted good. very well received by the crowds last night, so i'm glad. boon pang looked quite happy and touched by our efforts, so at least the morning wasn't wasted.

the morning doing the cake was fine. it was the email i received in the afternoon that killed me.

his email.

apparently he's not doing too well in new york, feeling a little miserable, a little lonely and quite hurt. by me, apparently. which explains the offensive email. i don't know if he intended to hurt me with that email, i hope not. but nonetheless i am hurt.

hurt like the way i was hurt 2 years ago with ws sending me a less offensive, but similar email. hurt like the way you would hurt to have your scab picked open and stabbed again. hurt like the way you see the blood run and feel faint, and too tired to bandage it again.

maybe i painted too simple a picture of revelation, of letting go easily. maybe it doesn't make sense why i'm upset now. [haha, similarities with the break up 2 years ago emerge again - a good friend asked then why i wasn't crying, reasoning that i wasn't as badly affected as ws and hence the bad guy. why do people need to see a bawling cindy? why?] my recuperation started even before the actual break up, because i already knew that it was inevitable. i wanted it even, just so i could handle it better that way. i'm sure someone knows what i mean. i'm too tired to explain myself.

but apparently he doesn't want to let go of me. he doesn't want to. and he still hasn't. and i feel dragged down. and drowned.

i lead a wonderful life for the 2 weeks before this email. i found a new understanding of myself, i was happy being single. but now with his email, i didn't know what to do anymore. lynn asked me if i was going to reply. last night, i said that i would, before i sleep, just for a peace of mind. but i still couldn't. so i haven't. she says that maybe i should just pacify him and say something that he wants to hear from me. but i don't want to do that. maybe i'm too stubborn, maybe i'm silly, but i refuse to play his games anymore.

i was sad yesterday, but now i'm angry. i'm a spoilt brat, whatever anyone may think, but i still feel that no one has a right to disrupt my life with an email designed purely to vent his own emotions and frustrations. especially to accuse me of being the source of all such frustrations and emotions when i'm clearly not the only problem in his life.

and most of all, i'm angry at myself. all those crap about being vegetarian, clearing my mind, being a better simpler person, being happy. it's all crap. all it took was an email from him. and my world comes crumbling down.

i went to sleep last night, woke up crying. for a while, i didn't know why i was crying. then i remembered, and i went back to sleep crying. i thought those days could be behind me. but apparently not.