| 1015hr
Feeling... helpless Food: red bean paste bun in the morn Book: Chinese book called Niu zai ku qing ren [Lover in jeans.] hahaha... CD: japanese album Moment by Speed Happiness of the day: my colleague gave me this toy flower...it's got a smiley face. hee. Event of the week: Going back to malaysia this coming weekend - Take 2. i was looking through my old boxes two days ago, looking for pictures to scan, for my webpage revamp. i found a box of love letters from ws. for once, i opened the letters up one by one, and I read them all. believe it or not, this is the first time I read them all since our break up 2.5 years ago. and then i started crying. did i mention that ws writes really well? yes, really he does, his letters still make me laugh. more than 2 years later, his letters still cheer me up, when they're meant to cheer me up; still inspire me, when they're meant to inspire me. he was so cute, so frank, so funny and yet so serious. i don't remember if i noticed, but indeed, his letters were serious...beneath the joking words, i felt so much of his feelings...maybe that's why he's so endearing, his feelings are so obvious, so raw and so real. did i miss all that when i was with him? i hope not. i don't remember what i write in my letters to him, but from what he says in his letters, i could infer some stuff. i was insecure. grouchy. discontented. irritable. selfish. yes, i remember everything now...everything stemmed from feeling insecure. despite all of ws's loving words, reassurances, praises, encourages, i still felt insecure. i sometimes provoked him, i sometimes threw tantrums, i'm sure. i didn't mean to make him sad, really, i liked him with all my heart then, but i kept on trying to repel him, to test him, perhaps. because it seemed so incredible that i could find my other half. that of the many many people around, i had my eyes on this one particular one and he on me. i still find it incredible now, actually. it happened again, how did i manage to meet another sweet guy? how is it possible? what does he see in me? what if he likes me only because he knows that i like him? do i really like him? what if i like him only because i'm lonely? some people say that love makes everything beautiful....funnily, i feel worse about myself when i'm actually in a relationship. he's not the best guy i know, he's not even someone i thought i would fall for. but fact remains he makes me happy when he's with me. what i'm now worried about is, when he's not with me. would i be able to let go as easily as i want? i always admired these characters in the chinese wu xia novels, where people believed in being assertive, decisive and proud. i don't want to be left a mess just for a guy. but it seems from my past history with ws and other guys, i've not quite mastered the art of quickly picking up pieces of myself when thrashed. eventually, he will leave me, i know. or i will. i watched this korean drama last night, the guy said, "love is like playing see saw. whoever who loves the other more, will naturally take more steps to be close to the other party -- like the heavy one moving closer to the middle of the seesaw, to keep it balanced. and the game can always continue, as long as neither side gets off the see saw. same with love, the relationship can always continue, as long as neither party gives up." maybe i should get off first, because i know the longer i stay on the see saw, the more likely i will crash to the ground when he gets off.
[...later...] unbelievable, he called me in the day! Haha. that poor guy had insomia, couldn't sleep and decided to call me. what uncanny timing. sigh, i actually feel contented from just one phone call. i will stay on the see-saw. the fun is still worth the risk of crashing. man, i'm too easy to please. | |