| 0230h [110501]
Feeling... happy Happiness of the day: read below Event of the week: flight home on 13th May I was making plans about my website revamp, and one of the important questions I was asking myself was: what colours? Yes, this stupid question has bugged me for such a long long time. I mean, it really controls pretty much the whole "mood" of this website. Is it dreamy? Depressing? Cheery? Modern? Nostalgic? Because colours are linked to the "mood" of the website, it's linked to another intrinsically important question: what is my website about? who the freak is me?? Yes, true, this is a personal homepage, so this is about me [and me and me and me...muahaha..] So what about me? I know this page sort of reeks of amateur so matter which way you look. See, I have the mandatory family section, friends sections, photo album, what more can you ask from me as an amateur webmaster? And I shall be honest, and say I've not had more than 3 designs for this page for the past 3 years, which by net time is freaking like 3 centuries. And I'm so much more of a rambling/writing person and less of a design person, I seriously wouldn't even have put that picture on the index page if I didn't like it so much. Who is me? I seriously don't know. Just a few days ago, I found out for real that I was whiny, though I'm not sure I still am. In some sense, I definitely reserve the right to whine and complain for all I want here. But I don't want to come across as a total brat either, because I know I am not. I was contemplating getting rid of this public journal altogether. Maybe I'll start a journal somwhere else, where I can be anonymous and completely faceless and thus totally free to say whatever fuck I want to say. Too many people I know reads this. I cannot even rant without running the risk of someone guessing what's really up, and bugging me about it. Yes, I am a very private person. I don't really like to tell you everything, and I don't. Dubious sounding sentences you've noticed in past entries? Yeah, result of heavy editing after a burst of ranting. My paper journal is still a safer audience, and recently, I find myself going back to it so much more often, because my freedom of expression there allows me to fully access all my emotions and deepest thoughts and really clear things up for myself. I then wonder why I should keep this online one then? Vanity? To show my life off to the rest of the world? Like anyone cares anyway! I mean, sure, friends like it when they can read about my life here [like tonnes of people have asked me about that box I lost], but why I should keep writing here, just so people can not email me. And not call me. And assume they know me so damn well. But today, a new reader emailed me and raved about how he identified with my words, how my entries cheered him up [how my whiny depressed ramblings can do that, I don't know, but hey, it works.] I was so happy reading his email, it really made my day. And then I wondered if there're more people [eg him] out there who feel the same way as I do, but maybe they don't get to rant the way I do, that maybe they needed to know that they're normal because there're people [eg me] who feel the same way. Assuming I'm a standard for normality in the first place, which is a very suspicious assumption, but let's not get into that. I'm beginning to ramble nonsense because it's late and I'm not sleeping yet. I don't know. I have a need to express myself. This website has been great, satisfies my vanity and need for self-promotion. But I can't stand in the spotlight forever and not feel the heat. Sigh...here goes: a shameless request for ego-boosting fan mail. Do you like my journal? Do you think I'm a whining bitch? Or an attention grabbing loser? Or the funniest person on earth? [hah] Do I know you? Do I know that you read this? Times like this, I wish I have a guestbook, but heck, the geocities one was screwy. drop me an email instead, if my journal does anything to you at all. Hopefully it's something positive, but even if this journal gives you the masochistic satisfaction of torturing yourself reading it, shout out to me nonetheless. Tell me some colour you'd like to see too [or not like to see], I'll take into consideration for my new design. But no promises. I can't even promise to have a new design up by end of summer. Hahhaa... ********** I just realised something. I will be the most lonely person here tomorrow....everyone in the house will be gone! A few off to somewhere else for the rest of their summer, and a few to chicago for the day, and bham, I'm all alone. In this big empty house. Sigh......I'll just have to make sure I'm too busy to sit down and moan about it then. Maybe those going to chicago will buy me some stuff back. Maybe. Just so I can feel more loved than I am. But heck, I'm gonna sleep now. I miss my bed already. | |