| 1730h (031100)
Mood: ok Fact of the day: event of the week: Ushering tomorrow.
He doesn't remember what he said. Or maybe, he's pretending that he doesn't remember what he said. Either way, I'm not going to make him remember. Shaun jokingly advised me to just basically seduce him then drop him. I don't see what I can gain out of it, since he's already sort of pampering me as if I'm his gf, except sadistic satisfaction. But hey, that's what many girls do, I think. But me, no, I can't do it. It's just too evil. Hehehe....but to think I even considered the possibility, I'm already not "sugar and spice and all things nice." Hahaha.....
I've not decided what I want to do about this. He's too important to me right now for me to choose to hurt him, intentionally or not. So since he doesn't remember it now, I should probably forget it too. But somehow, things change a little...talk about empowerment with knowledge. HAha....I'm doing some things that I am ashamed to admit to. Like making him pay for my snacks, knowing so well that he wouldn't refuse me.
Hopefully, I will relax soon and see him as a friend. Again. By my own twisted understanding of destiny and the whole history with him, I'd bet just when I manage to get over this little episode, he'll say it again and I'll be thinking too damn hard again. Life is such.
Seriously, been thinking real hard about this. Not just about him. But in general, about my relationship with guys. I have guy friends. But very seldom really good ones...if I arrange the friends I have around me into concentric circles around me, my closest guy friend, excluding my ex, is probably only on the 3rd circle from me. But I think that's the way I want things to go. I'm still too wary of letting too many people into my immediate comfort zone. There being so few, of course I choose the ones I trust to not hurt me. And somehow, guys are harder to trust.
I started out thinking about friendships, because this incident is really about whether I am ready to let him in, closer to me. I have no qualms now about going out with a guy that I just like. I've grown to realise it's too idealistic to expect to fall in love. People tend to grow to be in love. So would I grow to love him? Should I try? If I do try, I'll have to open myself up to him too. I'll have to tell him how I feel about things, I'll have to become more intimate with him, both physically and emotionally. Am I ready for that? Is he ready for that?
I've not decided yet, and since he's not pressing for an answer, I think I'll just indulge, be an escapist and not decide. Heh. For now, I'll just bask in the warmth in knowledge that somehow, there's still a guy who values me. I'm glad.
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