| 1730h
Mood: lonely Fact of the day: When you don't get enough sleep, you become more susceptible to illness such as sore throat and flu. event of the week: Going for a movie tonight.
That feel-obliged-to-update thing doesn't quite work, does it? Heh. I didn't even realise I've not updated for close to a week, until today. Time just seems to fly.......
So many things happened, yet nothing actually happened. Nothing happened in the sense I didn't do anything particularly exciting or important, and I didn't fail any other midterms. But, so many things happened in the sense my emotions sort of went on a roller coaster ride this week. Nope, it's not pms. pms passed just a couple of weeks ago. Heh.
Basically, theme of the week is: loneliness.
I had a good talk with Li that day about loneliness. She was feeling down, because her boyfriend wasn't around and blah. She complained about how lonely she was feeling, so I told her I was feeling lonely too. She was so surprised that I could be feeling lonely, I didn't know if I should be feeling insulted. Her idea is just that I have so many friends around me who are so nice to me, I shouldn't have any moment of loneliness at all.
True, I have a lot of wonderful friends. But I still feel lonely...because I know that out of my many friends, I am also but one of their many friends. There're only those few that I actually feel so connected to, I can genuinely believe I am as special to them as they are to me. Most others, nope. Not anywhere near my heart. And that's why I feel lonely...I don't have anybody in my heart, and I'm not in anyone's heart.
Nope, this is not a declaration about how I wish I am loved and all. But I just wish there's someone I can genuinely feel like I belong to him as much as he belongs to me. Sigh. I know, I'm so greedy.
On Tuesday, about half my friends here went up to Chicago for a formal event, to meet the singapore minister of education. I couldn't go, because of my econs midterm. I felt down. Very very down. But no one was around to help me. Li was feeling down as well, so she wasn't much help. Po wasn't online. Lynn didn't go up to Chicago, but she wasn't around either. There wasn't anyone I could call. No one I could talk to.
I happened to be deleting files from my computer. [yes, I have a tendency to want to do mundane stupid things when I'm sad.] Anyway, so I came across this batch of pictures that Po sent to me through time. I opened some - mostly of my RGS friends. And I started crying. It wasn't really the kind of wailing I tend to do in front of my computer. No, that kind of bawling results from a need to relieve stress. This time, I was genuinely just sad. Sad about how I always manage to be alone when I especially need love. My tears were just falling. Finally, I cut my tuesday night short and went to bed. Crying myself to sleep isn't fun, but I don't want to be awake, because I'd rather just cry than risk dwelling into anything, and then becoming depressed or anything.
But now, I'm fine. Don't think I'll ever manage to shake away this loneliness thing. But now I'm not feeling it. Maybe because it's the weekend, and people are asking me out. If you're talking about that thing about emptiness in the heart and such, of course going out doesn't really mean much, but I guess when I'm around people, and being the usual fun self, it's harder to feel lonely. It's going back to my room that I fear.
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