| 2250hr
Mood: tired Fact of the day:In 1885, Queen Victoria crossed out all references to "lesbianism" in the British Criminal law because she refused to believe that it existed. event of the week More opera coming weekend.
Screwed up. Yes, I screwed up my computer science paper today. I feel so guilty now, because I know I've been neglecting my school work. The paper really isn't difficult. I looked at the questions and I wanted to hit myself, because I knew that I was supposed to know all that, and yet I didn't. If I've studied more diligently, I probably would have been able to do the paper fairly competently. But I didn't. That's why I'm going to do badly for this paper. Purely my own doing. Retribution I guess.
The rhetoric research paper went well, thanks to a whole night of slogging in front of my computer. The guy who was editing my paper was so impressed by it, I felt so happy for about half a day, but really only for half a day, because the rest of the afternoon was spent trying to study and the rest of the evening was spent in my exam hall and now sulking about it.
Not to mention I received an email from my french teacher who hinted that she's very disappointed that I've missed so many french classes. I felt such a strong sense of guilt towards her I had to write her an email about it to apologise and explain that I really do enjoy learning french in her class. And really, I do enjoy learning french.
See, I enjoy french, yet I disappointed my french teacher. Theatre is what I like, but because I'm so totally untalented in it, I cannot afford to pursue it any further than I already am. On the other hand, I am supposedly capable enough to handle engineering subjects, but I am just so disinterested in it that I have neglected them and now I can't even do a simple paper. It's not really about the grades. It's about how I'm not performing the way that reflects my plans for myself. I really want to make myself happy, but things just aren't going the way they should. Some parts like my career for those 6 year, I don't really have a choice - or not anymore, at least; but for some parts, like neglecting french I just feel like I'm sabotaging myself.
I don't know. This seems so complicated. I am intensely depressed now. I can't stop crying, for some reason. I don't really understand why I'm struck by this sudden sadness, but this is definitely already beyond the trauma from the computer science paper. I don't really know what I'm saying anymore. I just feel so tired, trying to keep up, trying to remember who I am and what I really want.... I really only wanted to be happy....
I should be fine by tomorrow. I hope so anyway. This is not about stress. It's not the workload that's causing me to break down. Let's hope this is just a passing depression.
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