| 1830h
Mood: introspective Fact of the day: event of the week Spring break is coming!
Later the same day....
I am now sitting in my room, it's already rather dark, but I only have my orange table lamp on right now. It's too dark for me to do work, but I'm too lazy to get up and go turn on the lights. I don't want to either.
I don't know what's wrong. I just happily launched myself into another depression I think. I was just reading my past journal entries, and I'm just amazed by how happy I sound most of the time. Even the days when I'm kinda upset, I sound so okay about it. I downplay my negative emotions a lot, I realise. I don't know why. Is it because I know my friends are reading this? Or because I know there're someone telling my parents what he/she read on my journal? Or because I still don't quite feel comfortable about baring my soul online.
Whatever the reasons, it's not doing justice to me. I sound so fake in those journal entries. Probably I should have tried harder to express what I really felt, but I wonder if I would have been scared off by the intensity of my own emotions. I really wonder. I wanted this journal to be light-hearted and fun. Explains the white background, explains the colours I try to add into my pages everyday. But as I look at it now, I'm thinking: but this is not who I really am. This is the image I want to project. And until I really define what I really want, this is the easiest route to take. I mean, everybody likes light-hearted stuff..nothing too taxing on the mind or the heart, just something to read...maybe a little like a tabloid or a magazine.
But there're so many other things I think about all the time. Or even the things that I do talk about on my journal, behind what I actually say, I've sometimes thought and analysed so much into things that most of the time, there's actually so much more that I could have said, but chose not to. Maybe I should have? Maybe I should have allowed issues to explode into their full potential.
I should just indulge myself and let this journal truly be a journal. In that case, I should either move my journal, start another darker looking journal with only private access, or I should just get rid of this online journal thing altogether and go back to trusty pen and paper...
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