I'm so freaking tired now.

And I don't mean in the sleepy o-the-bed-looks-good kind of tired. I mean the who-the-hell-do-I-bother kind of tired.

Barely 3 days after I made my new year resolutions, I'm already so sick of trying to do everything well. I'm starting to wonder if I'm actually rushing into things or whether I'm doing things right.

1) I need to keep up with the lectures, 2) I need to do my homework on time (I almost always did last semester, but due mostly thanks to last minute work, so I want to change that now), 3) I need to make sure the people I care about know that I do and 4) I need to make sure I am happy. I've managed to do the first 3 for these days, but somehow, while keeping myself so busy doing all that, I wonder if I've compromised the fourth one.

Actually, how does one assess happiness anyway? I probably appear really cheerful all the time. A smiley face always makes the people around me happy, so it's really hard to resist to the temptation to just smile all the time. I laugh too much too, so people will be proud of their punchlines. Isn't it sad? I'm smiling and laughing so the people around me would be happy. Now, I don't even remember the feeling of smiling/laughing as an expression of true happiness. Sigh. I'm so screwed up.

For now, I'm thinking, why am I whining here? Am I really unhappy? Or am I just pretending to be unhappy for whatever hypocritcal reasons? I can't even tell. Argh, I need another break.....