Sometimes I feel like I care too much about the things happening around me, about people who do not do the same for me, about what people think of me, about little things that don't matter to the other people. And today, I just felt like,"What the heck, why should I care?"

Yes, I'm feeling anti-social again. I don't feel like hanging around those people again. I don't feel like saying some things so that I can sound funny. I don't want to be friendly and sociable anymore. Why can't I just be myself? I am by nature not a people's person. I am shy. I don't like to talk. I wish people would leave me alone.

If somebody dislikes me, so be it. He/She is not a friend anyway. Do I have enough friends to last a lifetime? I think so. I'm not a greedy person. I only need one.

But damn it. I know it, I know that I am still bothered by what other people think of me . I'm pissed...I'm really pissed with myself...why? why am I such a coward? I don't remember who I am anymore. Now, people probably say that I am independent, talkative, loud and weird. But is this really who I am? I was shy, sweet, tame and unassuming only a few years ago. I don't know..are these characteristics mutually exclusive? Am I all these?

I once read a quote, "the only way you can discover yourself, is to be in a place where you don't have to be anyone else." I thought the place is UIUC, since I don't know anyone here, I can start afresh. But apparently, I am wrong. Wherever I am, I am still afraid to be myself. Because nobody will like the real me.