I'm thinking. Am I a good friend? Have I done my duties as a friend? I used to be sure that even if I may not necessarily be the best friend one can be, I was sure I was not a lousy friend. Wallace commented in his email just recently that I should show more concern for the people around me. I sort of got a little defensive and stubbornly said that I'm not ashamed that I love myself more than most of the people around me. I was sure that I was showing enough concern for my friends.

But now I'm not so sure anymore.

Within a day, one of my closest friends here at UIUC has suspended her studies here to return to Singapore due to some personal crisis. Yesterday, she frantically tried to find me to talk to me. But as usual, I was un-contactable. [This actually became one of the issues we talked about some time ago. I jokingly said I should get a pager here so she can reach me anytime, anywhere.] I could tell from her body language that she was quite disappointed in me, that I was not by her side, supporting her when she has to handle all the crap.

Later that night, I tried to hug her and apologise.

" Hey, I'm sorry you couldn't find me."

She sort of wriggled out of my embrace and said, "Never mind, I'm used to it."

That really hurts. A lot.

Just before she finally left, we made up again. She's such a nice person in the sense she never stays pissed with me for long.

But I still feel so sad. I'm sorry for her own tragedy, I'm sorry I couldn't spend more time with her before she left, I'm sorry she now leaves with the memory that I am an inadequate friend. When I signed in the farewell card for her, I almost wanted to say "always there for you" but I realised I do not live up to my promises.

I am a lousy friend..I'm very ashamed of myself...