I went to Chicago for the weekend, since Monday was a holiday. It was quite okay, though I don't find anything actually worth mentioning. Visitting the various tourist attractions was pretty much the main objective for most of us. But I didn't like it that way. I'd rather just walk down the streets. But obviously I couldn't do that when all 13 of the other people wanted to go somewhere else. I was pressured into going to the fun parts of chicago. Yeah, I know I'm weird.

I don't mean to be rude, but I think the city is pretty ugly. In fact, it reminded me of the cities I used to dream of. Brownish, greyish, dusty and cold. OK, at least one thing I liked about the landscape there is that some of the buildings really look quite impressive. [ Supposedly Chicago is known for its architecture.] I also enjoyed visitting the art museum. It's something that I've never done in Singapore, but I liked it. Oh, and the fact that the city is just next to Lake Michigan was also another plus point. I think the view was wonderful.

After this short little break, I'm finding it hard to bring myself back into schooling. I'm still doing my work, but I don't have the momentum. It takes such a conscious painful effort to make myself keep to the homework deadlines I just hate myself.

But nothing beats the feeling of loneliness again. The Singaporean community here is so small that I'm feeling some sort of a tension. Obviously not everyone gets along well with everybody. Yet, when we have group outings, we have to socialise with everyone else, to keep a cheerful and friendly face. I realise I'm actually quite retarded in sensing undercurrents.

It's today that I found out that I have once again trusted the wrong person. I've said some things I shouldn't have said. I don't know whether I'm more disappointed with the person with the questionable personality or with myself for having to need someone else point out the dangers and the traps to me. I think my words would actually cause some repercussions and I don't know whether the person in question really is that bad. I don't know who to trust anymore.

And I can't talk to anyone anymore. All my good friends are so far away and so happy with their lives. I have to be on my guard when talking to the Singaporeans here. Obviously I'm not supposed to let my family know that I'm feeling depressed here. Basically, I can only depend on myself. I don't know if that's the point of independence, but I wish I had someone to support me. To just give me a little hug. Sigh...Loneliness...the word of the year for me I guess...