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| Eric's Rant (what is he screaming about today? hehehe) |
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Everything on the following pages is entirely fictional and should not be enacted in any way Hello Clones, Newcomers, and accidental victims of my writing. Tomorrow I get to go see a neurologist (no really I do). Now what this mook is actually gonna do I can only guess at. One thing's for sure this may indeed be my last rant. This Doctor guy might find out how damaged my brain really is and rightfully label me unsafe to release into society! Dont despair. With all those laser beams bouncing around inside of my head and all those flashlights they're gonna stick in my eyes this may actually amplify my talent. I hate those doctor tests...can u see this? follow my finger, can you feel this? and then the part where he sticks a coat rack up your ass. It was only once but I only went in cuz I had a headache...medicine is weird. And how come I cant have a playboy centerfold as a doctor? How come I get mangy guys with beards and one eye half closed? They dont even wear white coats! They wear dirty shitty smelling clothes! and how come my doctor doesnt have an office? How come I have to go to the back alley to see him? Fuck. All these How comes. I always thought medical school was a bunch of bullshit anyway. Its how long and when your done people who are meting for the first time say 'Hello, Mr. Magillecuty.' and then you have to say "DOCTOR...Magillecuty". like it makes a fucking difference at a cocktail party? Cocktail parties are a buncha shit too. We stand around drinking, making shit up, and banging the host's wife's brains out in a broom closet...Wow...this happens at my family renuions for christ's sake! Why do people feel the need to make shit up at parties like that? Theyre all like oh hi I havent see you in three years, you've missed a lot...yeah I went to Yale and got my degree in witchcraft, I summon demons of the night part time at the local Apocalypse theater, I lost a leg in Vietnam, I got a woodchuck named Zippy from the pet store and he eats peanut butter sandwiches and farts out the National Anthem...and uhhh I bought a new car, I didnt bring it because I was-oh hey look it's chuck, is he going to come over here? I know I say a lot of things suck...and they do! and you KNOW they do. So I know....you're asking 'Rant Master you fucking sexy animal what IS cool?' Well Im gonna tell you. Someone needs to tell you whats cool and it sure as hell wont be Mtv. The coolest thing in the world would be Comic books/Anime me liking anything else on any given day is random. U need the random shit to keep your life from being a dull boring, soul crushing, depressing to the point where you wanna drink paint thinner in the hopes to add some flavor to your almost non existent life. Randomness is the balls my clones. Without randomness you would have nothing yes people randomness is kinda-ever notice how sometimes when your walking down the road some people like to stare? and the others who cant look and my personal favorite, the ones who like to flash ya. Yeah well you know what I like to do to the guys who stare at me? I knock em on the ground and stick my penis in their mouths...you cant believe how well this works to get them to stop staring at you. You might get some OTHER people to stare at you while you do this but hey u cant have everything...one person at a time...they get the idea by the seventh person or so. I know, I know...I know what you're thinkin. How can you just knock someone down and ram your beef bus in their mouths? Well first of all you hit em in the head real hard. Usually they fall down. If they dont kick em in the nards. Then you roll them onto their back and you know what? I forgot...from now on Im just gonna dunk my balls into their open mouths like a golf ball washer. I cant believe that slipped my mind! Damn Im losing it...what is 'it'? and where do I find it again? Fuck beans ok clones u know what to do if u find 'it' email me huh? You guys have been pretty good about shit and I trust you guys. speakin o which lemme go get an email: (...que the music...the happy one...damn it! What do you mean you lost it?! Oh you god damned muther fucker...) sorry clones no music for this mail piece: Rant Master, been a long time fan for years now and I just wanna know...you seem to be slipping and repeating jokes and just being shitty...just wanted to let you know. Welllll Timmy in Texas is not only stupid, he's dumb too. Timmy you fucking shit! I've only been doing a rant for a year now you worthless limp cock! I been repeating jokes huh? THIS IS A FUCKING JOKE!? oh asshole I dont think you know who you're fucking with...this is NOT a joke my son and neither is my insanity. Sleep well Timmy I traced your email...Thanks for your letter Timmy I enjoy my fans and do my best to keep you guys happy. Ok well, I have no idea what Im supposed to do now. maybe I should go beat the hell out of some gothic kids? I think I told you clones how much fun it is. Normally all you have to do is say "You're gay and have no friends...no one likes you." and they start crying. Oh yeah they TALK a good game with their spells and swords. They're about seven hundred years behind the rest of the world but they do it to be different like the 1,532,661,884,053 rest of them out there so your odds of meeting and beating the hell out of one is slim fellas. Dont you love how they dress in chains and locks and stuff? You know these people dont have sex dressing like that. Oh I can see it now "Sure babe Ill fuck the shit out of you just let me get this straight jacket, handcuffs, double belt, spiked collar, strap boots, locking bracelets, vampire cape, trench coat, and these weird god forsaken fucked up metal things on my fingers that serve no purpose whatsoever off and we'll be in business." But by this time the parents come home cuz they all live in their parents' basements. Eh getting caught fucking isnt that bad, getting caught fucking by your parents at any age is bad. Why do they call it getting caught? shouldnt they call it getting seen? Caught means someone locks you up during the act. Fuck it. Fuck everything. Im outta here DONT DO ANYTHING ON THIS WEBSITE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!! -Rant Master Zero...Self proclaimed Rant master and defender of this nation's children. |