Subjects of My Sanity - Part 23 by Terrasa
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“Ne… Heero…”

“Hmm?”

“Do you believe in curses?”

“….?”

“I mean… like, witchery and stuff. You know, like someone being cursed to never love, or that one story where the prince was cursed into a frogs form, or like that one man who would look into mirrors and always see himself as a rotting old geezer.”

“Old… geezer…?”

“Yeah… cause sometimes I think that I’m probably cursed. You think it’s possible?”

“Duo…” Heero sighed. “Go to sleep.”

“Ah! Come on! I answer your questions!”

“That’s because they aren’t irrational questions that serve no purpose.”

“Ch‘… fine, fine. Don’t answer it then.”

“…”

“What about predestination? Or any of the other fate crap…”

“Duo, go to sleep.”

“Sheesh! Well it’d be a whole lot faster shutting me up if you would just answer the question.”

“No.”

“No as in ‘I won’t answer the question‘, or no as in ‘I don’t believe in fate?’”

“… both.”

“Huh?”

“Go to sleep.”

“Fine! I‘ll just…”

“Duo…”

“…go to sleep!”

~~~~~~~~~

~Subject: Heero~

Quatre looked sick. He even acted sick. Well, I guess I wasn’t really expecting anything other than him being bed ridden and ill mannered. Truthfully, I think he was glad to see us, but not so happy about us seeing him. On one end, he wanted information on Wufei, and he wanted it fast, as in right when we walked through the door. On the other side, he seemed really nervous about the fact that he was forced to stay in bed against his will, and we were not. Uneven grounds, I guess.

We hadn’t stayed for very long. His sister, a very loud woman who reminded me of Duo in many aspects, had made sure that we did not cause ’her Quatre’ any tiresome emotions that would ‘get him even more stressfully sick,’ as she put it.

Duo had seemed happy to see that Quatre wasn’t in any serious danger. I think he had been worrying about the hospital incident a little to much. All in all, Quatre had just been way too exhausted for his body to handle, physically as well as mentally. Though, I think he was more stressed than anything else; what with all the shocking discoveries we had run across.

I admit, if I had seen what Quatre and Duo had, ‘a bloody Wufei,’ as Duo described it, I would have been pretty… stunned as well. Just take Quatre for example, he had collapsed because of it.

I rubbed my eyes as we walked out into the bright afternoon sun. It did always make me sleepy. Maybe it was because it was so warm, causing one to just want to lay down and soak it in. Not that I would ever do that. Not when people were around to stare at me and talk about the strange boy in hushed voices. No, that was not what I wanted at all. Duo drew enough attention to us as it was.

That thought was starting to become a regular.

“Ne, Heero.” I blinked, surprised for a moment at the weird tone to Duo’s voice. He had stopped a couple feet ahead of where me and Trowa were now standing. His head was tilted slightly to the right, violet eyes looking down the small street we had stopped at. I knew where that street would lead if we were to turn on it. And I was pretty sure that was why Duo was gazing down it with that strange expression plastered on his face.

“Hn?” I moved up beside him, eyebrow arching in question as he finally met my gaze. He was going to say something I was not going to like. And I wished I hadn’t been right on that one.

“I… think I’m gonna go home.”

Should I have been surprised? Probably not. But I was, and I just stood there, staring blankly at him in response. His bottom lip was pulled into his mouth as he waited for me to give some sort of response. But all I did was nod my head at his decision. Completely missing the look of disappointment that flashed on his face in my moment of disbelief.

He was going home. Obviously Duo did not want to stay with me anymore and saw going home as a means of escape. My mind couldn’t help but come up with negative excuses rather than rational ones.

I do not even remember if I had said goodbye or not as I turned away and started quickly in the path to the orphanage. My feet carried me blindly towards my room, not even paying any heed to Trowa’s departure, or my body actually bumping into various corners on the way around them.

My mind only caught up to me when the door to my room closed behind me and I was left in the silence, the cold silent prison called my home.

Alone…

I was alone…

~*~/flashback/

“Hey!”

“I said HEY!”

A hyper little girl was waving her arms in my direction, shouting at me to come over to her, to play with her. Just as I was about to approach, happy to do something other than stand outside looking like the outcast I was, the wind carried over the soft whispers from the small girls friend.

 

“…what are you doing?!”

“…dangerous…”

“Killed…”

“Stay away from him!”

 

Alone… always alone…

‘I don’t want to be alone.’ A small voice cried, a voice that was so familiar.

Yes… you do.

‘No I don’t!’

It hurts to be with them. It hurts to be talked about like you aren’t even there. Like you are a freak, a disease that they will catch if you so much as go near them!

‘No…’

They make you feel pain. Pain… it won’t stop unless you leave them. Stop trying so hard. You’ll only end up hurt!

‘No… it… it hurts more to be alone.’

No.

They just believed in the rumors. They just believed what they hear. Not facts… not truth… won’t listen to me… won’t listen…

My small eyes hardened into a blank canvas, absent of all emotions, all the feelings that were running through me at that moment.

“Do you want to see a killer? Is that what they are looking for?” I whispered to myself as I walked away from the frightened eyes of the small girl, the girl I would probably never see again. Everyone was adopted… everyone got a chance at a home… ‘cept for people like me. People who are too strange, too different… too…

Disgusting.

I don’t know where the knife came from. I do not remember going out to the kitchen to get it. I barely remember looking at the people around me, thinking that maybe one of them would be my victim. My first victim. I would become what they wanted. After all… I was a killer. Might as well conform earlier than expected.

The only thing that I clearly remembered was standing over the dead animal at my feet. Screams were heard from around me. Cars passed by me, sending off a gust of wind that caught my hair, flinging it from my cold eyes as I stared down at what I had just done. Accusing stares looked at me in horror, confused, hurt… the looks turned to ones of hatred. Like they knew that this was going to happen. Like they felt they should have locked me up long ago before I had a chance to hurt something.

I had only done what they wanted me to.

I had only done what they said I should.

I was a killer? Wasn’t I? Wasn’t I like my father… like my mother?

‘Why are you looking at me like that? This is what I was! You told me what I was!’

“Stop!”

‘Stop looking at me!’

“Heero! Look at what you did!”

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill one of them. Yet I still could kill this little puppy, yet I still… am shunned out of their circles. For being what they wanted me to be.

I think I cried then. I can’t really remember. I hadn’t wanted to be a killer. I hadn’t wanted them to be right! But look at what I had done! Look at what I had killed!

I will become a murderer!

I am full of sin and hate and anger and… and… there is nothing I can do about it.

It was like they had always said.

I should be alone.

Who would want to be friends with someone like me anyways?

Who would want to?

~~

“Only seven years old…”

“…put him somewhere where he can’t harm…”

“We’ve put him in the back halls last week after that incident with…”

“…nothing else?”

“…some sort of institution?”

“…has to be something…”

 

I don’t want to be alone.

~~

“Ne… Heero…”

Duo’s voice…

“Do you believe in curses?”

“……”

“Ne… Heero…”

“What about predestination? Or any of the other fate crap…”

‘…yes…’

 

~*~/end flashbacks/

 

I opened my eyes, waking up from my half dream like state. Nothing. There was nothing that greeted me as I quickly glanced around the dim room.

My thoughts unwillingly drifted back to earlier today. Duo was gone, but had I really expected him to want to stay with me?

I kept asking myself that question, trying to find a different answer than the one that popped into my head so many times. Had I really, truly thought that he would like me? Me, a cruel individual who could not even do anything fun… exciting… new?

Conversations: I fail.

Acting normal: Failed miserably.

Friendliness: Maybe ranked a one out of ten.

I had not shown Duo any reason to stay. He was probably bored with me. After all, who would be able to stand talking to a grunting wall for a week? One would probably be thrilled to leave my company. So why was I so depressed with this turn of events, when it was my own fault in the first place?

Well that just answered my question. It was me who drove him away.

I had failed in keeping something… important… to me… with me… I had failed… Duo…

 

It was while I was shivering in the corner of my room, light bulb flickering on and off, blackening the room for a couple seconds at a time, that I finally snapped out of my strange daze. I hadn’t even realized what I was doing, or where I was for a moment until I looking up, seeing my surroundings, looking as it had been this morning, when Duo had still been there.

I slowly got up, moving my cramped body to sit on the side of my bed; Head forward, looking at the floor as I tried to gather my thoughts, bring them back to my problem at hand without them running off into a self pity spree once again.

I was acting weak. Not like me in the least. There was no reason I should be feeling this way. I’d never just pitied myself so much before. I would solve this problem, like all my other ones in the past. I would either block out those memories, the ones that were starting to hurt, or I would do something dramatic. Something that I did not want to do. Something really selfish.

I wanted Duo to come back. And I couldn’t throw that thought away for the life of me.

Maybe… that look on his face, the one that I just then had remembered as we parted ways earlier, maybe it meant more than what I realized.

Did he want to stay? Or… was he looking for a reason to stay?

I wanted to find out. I needed to talk to him… see him at least. Find out… if… if he really saw me as just someone used as a stepping stone. Or… if he saw me as a friend… something I had wanted… I had thought I had… but…

My arms pushed up off the bed, legs coming out from under me to support my body. Ok, I was standing. That was an improvement. Now all I needed to do was get my body to move. One, two… only two small steps and I was at my bedroom door. It was a small room, I reminded myself. I guess I was just used to it, and forgot how very cramped it could be sometimes.

My legs slowly carried me out to the front of the orphanage, where the windows admitted the view of the rain pouring outside. Correction, it was not simply raining, but storming. The sky was dark and trees were getting thrown around by the wind. The street was empty of it’s usual kids, rushing to some party, or some friends house for lack of car to take them there. I watched the heavy downpour for awhile, my stomach starting to churn as I did so.

This must have been a sign. God did not want me to leave my safe haven.

I sighed in annoyance at my own thoughts, shaking my head as I realized I was starting to sound like Duo… again. I was just… nervous? Afraid?

I growled. Any more excuses would have me labeled as a chicken… at least, to myself that is. But just thinking about what I was about to do had me breaking out in a cold sweat. I was practically going to go over to Duo’s house and… demand that he came back!

Well, so I wasn’t really going to demand… I was just going to…

Going to what?

‘I don’t know.’

Are you going to break down in front of him? Is that what you want? To show him how weak and pathetic you are?

‘No…’

Will you beg? Like some pathetic animal for food? Begging for something in which they could easily get on their own, but bow down to the easy lifestyle of humanity anyways?

‘I just…’

Just what?

‘…want to see him.’

For what reason?

‘To tell him…’

What?

‘…friend.’

You don’t need friends.

‘Yes…’

I don’t need friends!

“Shut up!” My voice screamed out those words as I ran down the dark streets, eyes downcast, hiding from any crazy person in the storm I may have passed on the way. I didn’t look up until I had turned around numerous corners and streets, taken the shortest back roads, leading me to the familiar home of one Duo Maxwell.

It was late. I finally came to that realization as I took in the neighborhoods dark windows. In fact, the only light that was on in the Maxwell house was the basement one, where Duo’s room was.

Quietly, I made my way over to the window I had been forced to crawl in so long ago, feet squishing on the moist ground, picking up mud on the way. I moved my hand over the seal, carefully testing it to see if it was unlocked. It was, not surprisingly, and I lifted it up, thankful for the lack of squeak that it presented.

The room which I had thought was lit, was actually darker once inside. The only light on was from the bathroom across the room. My eyes adjusted quickly enough and I was able to just barely make out Duo’s form across the room, body hunched over a book he was reading, ears plugged with music so as to block out his surroundings, and my entrance.

I do not know why I just stood there, looking at him from across the room; watching him reach up to scratch the spot above his right ear, watching him as he sighed for at least the third time… Yes, I was even starting to freak myself out. I felt like a stalker… well, one that was not in hiding, just waiting for the moment of approach.

Finally, my mental debate on whether to catch Duo’s attention or not was solved when he looked up, head turning slightly in my direction, as if feeling my heavy stare. I would have laughed… if I could… at the way his body tensed up and he looked about ready to jump up and hide under the bed at seeing me staring straight at him from below the basement window. I had startled him, and he had confirmed that thought very quickly with a long spray of violent curses.

Only when he calmed down did he actually meet my eyes again and get to the inevitable question of, “Heero… what the hell are you doing here?!” Even if the words were shot out so crudely, I could clearly see the look of relief on his face.

An answer to his question would not come easily to me. So I just shut down my thoughts and let my mouth free to come up with it’s own excuses. “Are you alright?” Well, I have to admit, I wasn’t exactly expecting to ask that. Though, it was a good question, seeing as he was back here, with his abusive parents.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

I blinked, confused.

He shook his head. “Ah, never mind! Sorry… I probably worried you, leaving so suddenly and all.”

He moved to lay back on his bed, head banging softly on the headboard as he leaned against it. “You’d think they’d actually be mad that I was gone.” I barely caught that, as it was just barely above a whisper in level. “I think I just did the bastards a favor.”

His voice sounded cold, causing me to unconsciously shiver from where I was standing. It could have been because I was right under the window that had me feeling so cold though.

“They barely even looked at me! Just said, ‘go to your room’! Hah! Some parents!” His words were so soft that I could barely hear, but it could have been because my teeth, chattering, blocked out most of it out.

Duo banged his head harder against the headboard. He kept on talking, I could see his lips moving, but no sound was coming out now. The room seemed to get dimmer and dimmer… and I idly wondered if Duo had magically turned out the bathroom light. I felt light headed, and not so cold anymore… for some… reason…

“Heero!”

A sharp pain shot up in my cheek and my head jerked abruptly to the right. The room came back into focus, lights back to their original setting. Duo was standing over me now, eyes probably as wide as my own.

“Damn it Heero! Stop scaring me like that!” He yelled, dropping to his knees next to me on the floor, shoulders slumping as he sighed in what I only could guess was relief. His hands were currently resting on my shoulders, as if to keep me from falling backwards.

Very strange. I was feeling… weird.

“What…?” I looked at him, confusion probably written on my face for he answered quickly.

“You‘re fucking freezing! What the hell were you doing walking around in this weather?” A frown appeared on his face as his hands slid down my arms, feeling the thin wet cloth that was plastered to my skin. That frown disappeared though when his eyes came back up to look at my face, staying a little longer on my cheek, which I assumed was probably red right then. “Ugh… sorry I slapped ya. Couldn’t think of anything else to do!”

I tried to nod my head, or at least shrug off his apology, but realized I was still shivering too much to actually have him see those small movements.

 

Weak.

Pathetic.

Look where you got yourself now! Probably have him feeling sorry for you!

 

“Heero! Stop doing that!”

I must have spaced out again, because Duo had a frightened expression on his face and was pulling me up from the ground.

“Come on, get out of those clothes. You can borrow something of mine.” He hesitantly moved away, eyes not really leaving me as he walked towards what I assumed was his closet. I think he was afraid I was going to pass out… again.

Shit… my body must not have been up to the trip through the rain. Well, the forty minute walk here… no… I ran… so that probably made it worse, seeing as my lungs do not like to take in such large amounts of cold air.

How embarrassing.

I found myself almost blushing as Duo fretted over my clothes, even going as far as to help me change. I felt foolish for even coming here in the first place. He had enough problems as it was. He didn’t need me stressing him anymore.

“I’m sorry.” I managed to say after I had settled down a bit. And I was sorry. Sorry for barging in on him when he probably wanted to be alone. Sorry for not listening to him when he tried to talk to me about his parents.

Duo, who was still standing in front of me, frowned once again.

“I shouldn’t have come here…”

“No.” He cut me off, causing me to wince at the sharp tone in his voice. “Stop. It’s alright. I don’t want you to think that you can’t come to me when you have a problem.”

To say I was stunned by that would be an understatement. Did I have a problem? Yes. Had I ever let Duo come to me with his? No. He pretty much made me help him, by staying at my place, by having me steal him food, because I was too selfish to actually help him on my own.

I wanted to ask why. But I didn’t. I wanted to tell him that he could do the same in return, come to me for help… ask favors… But I just sat there, staring at his long braid, the end currently being twirled around Duo’s finger.

“Now, are you going to tell me why you walked through this thunderstorm to come here?” My eyes shot up to his face, fast enough to catch the tail end of his smirk. “Not that I am not flattered that you came all this way to see me, but you really don’t look to great right now.”

I rolled my eyes, sighing as the warm room finally started to thaw out my chilled skin.

He obviously didn’t like my silence, and moved over to place an arm on my shoulder, eyes looking down at me in concern. My mouth opened to ask what he was doing, but I shut it quickly as he leaned in to wrap both his arms around me in a loose embrace. “You… you’re ok, right?” His shaky voice sent a whole new set of shivers down my spine from the breath, tickling my neck, as he spoke.

That’s when I realized just how tense he was. He had probably been smiling this whole time when inside screaming in misery.

His parents hated him. They ignored him… left him alone…

“…Aa… I’m alright.” I really wanted to ask him how ‘he’ was, if ‘he’ was alright. But I remembered asking that earlier, and only getting an avoidance, plus my almost passing out didn’t help matters. Duo would tell me when he was ready. I’d just have to be patient and not miss it a second time. Not miss a second chance if he was willing to give it.

His arms wrapped around me a little tighter, one hand coming up to run through the short hairs on my neck quickly. I relished in the warmth his body gave off, the familiar smell of the boy who had been sharing a bed with me for the last couple of weeks, and the over all fact that Duo was actually ‘hugging me’, before he released me, scooting bashfully away to go sit on one of his old worn couches.

Duo didn’t push me anymore on that subject, the one as to why I had come here in the first place. He just sat in the almost comfortable silence with me for a little while. Giving me time to warm up and get my mind back on it’s proper track.

The nice silence, however, did not stay. For Duo’s window slammed rather loudly open. Obviously the person who was crawling through the narrow hole right then did not share my thoughts on entering quietly, even as they fell to the floor, their feet scraped sluggishly and not all that sneakily against the cheap carpet.

As dark eyes looked through rained messy hair, I finally realized just why he was behaving the way he was.

It was Wufei, and he was not in the best of conditions. Neither was Duo’s heart for he had his hand resting over it as, once again, as if startled by this sudden, second, intrusion.

 

*******

TBC

*******

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