Subjects of My Sanity - Part 22 by Terrasa
Standard disclaimers apply

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~Subject: Duo~

“Fuck… fuck… fuck…”

“Duo! Calm down.” Heero hissed at me from where we were hidden. I didn’t have to worry about his loud voice drawing any attention to our hiding place, not with the numerous cops and medical crew now across the street, pulling people out of the apartment building Quatre and I had gone into only moments before. Nah, they were making enough noise on their own to mute out our weak attempts.

I couldn’t even think about what I had seen inside without having the urge to either shiver or spit in disgust. To think… all this time we had been playing around, acting like a bunch of normal teens on an adventure… Wufei had been… he had been…

Well… I guess it had been solely my fault for the ‘running around acting like an idiot’ thing…

“Duo.” Heero was looking down at me with a strange expression on his face. I couldn’t figure out just why he was looking at me like that until I realized that I was gripping his arm, way too tight for normal.

Loosening my grip, I quickly apologized before turning my eyes away from his intense stare to see what was going on in front of us. Wufei had been taken out and hauled to a hospital shortly after we called in the police, making sure to tell them the room number I was lucky enough to remember. I hadn’t left my name, of course, and hoped they wouldn’t investigate further into just who it was that had ratted out the whore house.

Perhaps I was still in denial, still in somewhat shock about what we had discovered, because I found that the whole thing, whole situation in front of us looked… unreal. I can now actually understand why Quatre acted the way he did back then. He had obviously known a lot more than we did about Wufei being a… a…

I couldn’t say it. Maybe I did not want to admit that he was selling himself the whole time I had known him. It was not a good thought, at all. I did not like it in the least.

Had we failed him as a friend for not helping him sooner? Had I failed him for not looking deeper into his words that day when he had bluntly told us that his boss was a killer?

I shook my head, trying to pull myself together. It wouldn’t do me, or Heero any good if I were to lose it right then.

“Can we go?” I finally asked after a minute, looking up to Heero to see that he had diverted his eyes away from me and was back to studying the police’s actions.

He never took those eyes off the scene in front of us as he answered with, “Aa, let’s go.”

I hadn’t planned on him taking my arm and helping me off the ground we had been crouched on, nor had I planned on him helping me make my way down the street, backs to the whole scene, leaving it in the dust, so to say. I was perfectly capable of walking on my own, perfectly capable of getting back to Heero’s place, but… I guess I could let Heero feel like he was helping me… just this once. It was kinda nice, in a way. The body heat from another person… from Heero… it was sorta…

What would be the word? Comforting? Relaxing? Heero is like a warm blanket for me. He’d always be there to help me, he’d always be there to give me his ear, to just listen. How did I know this? I don’t know. In our time together he had shown barely more than sheer boredom with me half the time… but… I guess it was times like these that had me really believing that Heero had a nicer side.

I liked it. I liked Heero. Even if I would probably never tell him that. I wanted to keep myself in one piece, after all. And it would really suck if I were to be kicked out and have to go sleep under a noisy bridge.

Sighing, I carefully inched a little closer to Heero as we walked down the plain streets, walking past the faceless people going about there lives.

I wanted nothing more than to just get back to the orphanage, Heero’s home, and go crawl in that small hard bed. Sleep sounded so good right then. And I had a feeling that I wouldn’t even mind the nightmares that were sure to come, as long as Heero was there next to me. As long as he would stay to wake me up if they got out of hand.

My little dream of getting back to my temporary home was thrown out the window as Trowa showed up in front of us, alone, and looking a little disheveled.

Heero pushed me away from him so quickly I thought I was going to fall face first onto the concrete. Luckily, I managed to find my balance and raised my eyes once again to look at Trowa standing on the sidewalk before us.

“Oy… Tro, what’s wrong?” I asked, my voice automatically lined with the false cheerfulness that seemed always to be present.

His bottom lip was sucked into his mouth as he stood before us, eyes rolling up as if thinking about just how he was going to communicate with us this time. I decided to help him out on this one. “Are you alright?”

He nodded his head.

“Uh, huh…” My hand unconsciously moved to scratch the back of my head. “And… you’re here for a reason, right?”

He nodded his head, much more aggressively this time.

“Where is Quatre?”

His face formed a strange expression and I figured that whatever he was here for, Quatre had to do with it.

“Did you get him home?”

The negative I got from him in response had me confused. It took me a couple seconds longer this time to think of what else to ask.

“What do you mean? Where did you take him? Is he alright?”

He shook his head again before bringing up his hands to form a sort of… T?

“A hospital?” Heero asked, obviously trying to butt in on my fun charade game.

Ah, I saw it now, it wasn’t a ‘T’ it was a cross! How stupid of me!

“What?!” Well shit, this was not sounding like very good news. “Why the hell is Quatre in a hospital? Is he alright?” Yes, I was now starting to repeat myself, blame it on my panicky behavior.

Wufei had been taken to a hospital… Quatre was now in a hospital… What was the world coming to?! I had better watch out for Heero and Trowa or they might just be admitted right under my nose!

We ended up following Trowa’s lead as he led us to the scary baby blue building about a half a mile away. I didn’t spend the time quietly though, no, I spent it drilling him for answers about the situation. I couldn’t figure out much, except for that Quatre had collapsed a couple hours ago and Trowa had taken him to the hospital. Yeah, not really much information to go on, but it was better than nothing.

Upon entering the hospital was the problem. No, we got in alright, but… for some reason the weird hyper nurse would not let us see Quatre.

“What do you mean visiting hours are over?” I asked angrily, probably a little too loud considering where we were. “It’s not even that late!”

“Duo…” Heero was shaking his head from beside me. If I didn’t know him any better, I would have guessed he was going to start rolling his eyes at me any moment now. “It’s eight. Knowing the day he’s had, he’s probably asleep anyway.”

Damn, how did the day drag by without me even realizing it? Eight! Gah! I hadn’t even noticed that it was so dark outside!

I couldn’t help but huff in defeat, still angry at this turn of events. Sure, I understood what he was saying… but… I still wanted to go see Quatre! I mean, he was in a hospital for crying out loud! Hospitals were not fun. Q was probably sitting in his room right then, thinking how he wished he would have some sort of entertainment. Or maybe he was to the point of plotting out escape plans… hmm… yes… that was what I would have been doing if in his situation.

Ugh! White! What a horrible color… or… not a color. The walls were starting to make me dizzy. Or maybe that was the high-pitched voice in front, belonging to the nurse who was now trying to make us leave, using ever-so-nice language as another means for ‘get the hell out of here before I call your parents’.

Thankfully, some annoying alarm went off, cutting her rant about speech volume in hospitals to a minimum.

“Security to Level Three. Security to Level Three…” A nasal voice filled the room from one of the speakers, catching my attention as it finally said, “Dr. Evenson, please come to the security office….” A bunch of orders were being listed off as the hyper nurse quickly retreated back to her station, picking up her phone and immediately questioning what was going on.

It seemed that even hospitals went crazy once in a while.

I couldn’t help but listen in on her conversation. Even though I couldn’t hear the opposite end of it, I could somewhat make out what was going on, and exactly who it was that had caused the alarm to go off.

Heero and Trowa seemed to catch on as well, because their eyes both widened simultaneously as the nurse across the rooms soft voice said, “Chinese… uh huh… right. I’ll call in if I see him.” Her hand was scribbling madly on a piece of paper, whispering the words as she wrote them down so we could just barely hear. “Teen… black hair, brown eyes… uh huh. What? How is he even walking around? You think he was kidnapped? No… Is the security on it… Parents? How could he just disappear…”

I droned out the rest, not really thinking that anything else said would phase me even more. “Heero?” I asked rather shakily, looking up at him intently. “Wufei… he wasn’t brought to this hospital… was he?”

His only response was a heavy sigh, hand coming up to run through his messy hair. Another time I would have liked to watch him and his strange nervous habits, but… now was definitely not the time.

“Will this madness ever end!” I couldn’t believe I had actually said that out loud. But I was a little more than frustrated right then. I really, really just wanted to go home and sleep. Forget about this whole ordeal and get on with my miserable life! But, no. I had to run into problem after problem. Would this go on for the rest of my life? The life that I ‘still’ could not take away even though it was so bothersome?

I mimicked Heero’s sigh and started for the door, knowing that my two companions were going to follow me out.

“Well… at least we ‘tried’ to help Wufei.” I mumbled to no one but myself. That didn’t really make me feel any better, in fact, it just made me feel worse, and a little bit like a failure.

Trowa followed us home, seeing as he apparently lived there too. I guess I was the only one not supposed to live there… but, well, Heero had let me stay, so there was nothing wrong with it so far. Though, I was starting to think that I needed to get back home. I didn’t want to… no… I really did not want to go back to that hell hole, but… ugh!

I had told myself that I wouldn’t. I had told myself that I would be on the road for maybe the rest of my life. But just what kind of life is that? I can’t really be a runaway forever, can I? I shouldn’t have been running from my problems in the first place, I mean… I only had four years left. Four… long… torturous years left living in that place with cold parents.

Who am I kidding? I still had that stupid dream that someday they would actually start caring for me. Someday my parents would up and realize their wrong and start to act… parentish!

Or maybe I wanted to go home because… no matter how much they hated me… or did not care about me… I still saw them as parents… and loved them?

Nah. I hated their guts.

No I didn’t.

Yes… no…

Ugh!

“Duo?” I looked up to see Heero staring at me from his bedroom door. I had obviously been spacing out, because I had almost believed we were still in front of the hospital. “Are you just going to stand there?”

“Ah! Sorry Heero. I guess I’m a little spacey.”

He snorted at that, probably because it was quite obvious that I was not all there at the moment, and the moments before.

A smile unconsciously formed on my lips as I walked through the door. Even Heero’s annoyed expression couldn’t take that away from me. I was finally back! The long day had all but wound down to me being back here, in the comfort of Heero’s tiny abode.

Jumping up on the bed, my grin spread wider when I noticed that Heero could no longer hold back from rolling his eyes at my childish behavior. I barely managed to take off my shoes before bouncing happily under the covers, snuggling my head into his single pillow as I did so.

Yes, I was quite content at the moment, and nothing was going to take this away from me!

Well, ok… so that didn’t quite happen, for at that moment Heero sat on the bed, trying to tug at the covers that were gripped tightly around my fists. They wouldn’t budge. I didn’t really want to let them go, seeing as they made such a nice hugging object. Heero, of course, did not share my feelings, and rudely yanked the covers from me, causing me to fall forward and off the bed.

Yeah, so I was mad. But I was also too tired to really yell and whine to Heero about being cruel… once again. So I just grumpily bounced back onto the bed, going back to find another blanketful position, this one being far less comfortable as the other one, all thanks to Heero.

“G’night ‘ero.” I mumble softly, feeling the anger and frustration that had been running through me that day disappear as I closed my eyes.

I felt Heero shift a little closer to me, but couldn’t be too sure in my tired state. I also couldn’t be sure if I had actually heard the soft whisper of my name before I fell into slumber.

My dreams that night were not pretty. But I was lucky enough to have forgotten them upon wakening. I was only left with the horrible feeling that always stuck around afterwards. This time, however, Heero was there. So even as I woke sweating and a having few seconds of panic, I could still find myself able to back up to sleep once again. Heero’s presence right next to me… or more like half on me, was something I would never come to regret.

How ever did that happen?

~~~~~~~

“Trowa.”

The familiar voice woke me up, along with the sunbeam shining down on my face. Opening my eyes just enough to take in my situation, I looked to Heero. Well, I didn’t really have to look anywhere, not when he was right in front of me, sitting up slightly, eyes on the bedroom door. The open bedroom door, might I add. And in that structural opening stood Trowa, looking down at the two of us from his monumental height, a tiny presence of humor on his face.

What was so funny? I couldn’t figure it out at first, until I realized that… yes… from ‘his’ point of view, this could very well seem amusing. What with Heero and me in a very…er… suggestive position.

“Ah… hey, Trowa.” I forcibly chirped, trying to pull my arm out from under Heero. Trowa just smirked at me before walking into the small room, making sure the door was closed behind him.

“What are you doing here?” Heero was the one to ask that, though it was on my mind as well. I was just too flustered to ask it first.

Trowa’s eyebrow raised slightly. I had a feeling we were about to embark on another fun game of charades.

“Are we going anywhere today?” I asked quickly, before Heero could beat me to question with something else.

He nodded his head.

“We going to go see Q?” It seemed like the only reasonable place for us to go, really. I mean, we surely weren’t going to go visit Wufei… when he was now gone! Again! Ugh!

Once more, his head nodded up and down.

“You think the hospital would let us in?” Heero asked as we got up from the bed.

I waited for Trowa’s answer while moving to pick up some of my clothes off of the floor. Another reason I should have been getting back home… I needed my other clothes.

Clearing my depressing thoughts quickly, I looked up just in time to see Trowa shake his head in response to the last question. “Huh? Why would we go if they won’t let us in?”

Trowa made a strange face, something akin to frustration. Luckily, Heero was smart and got us a damn pen and paper. Saved us a lot of time, and before I knew it we were all sneaking out the door in the direction of Quatre’s estate. Trowa seemed to think that he would be home by now. He also seemed to think that it would be a good idea to visit him, and clue him in on the Wufei situation. Though, he also seemed really adamant about hiding from Quatre what we had heard yesterday at the hospital .

I knew he was just trying to prevent Quatre from worrying, but he was probably going about it the wrong way. Well… I guess we weren’t even a hundred percent sure that the hospital escapee was actually Wufei… so it really wouldn’t hurt lying to him just this once. Right?

Sighing, I followed my companions down the familiar streets. My life was really confusing. How many times had I told myself that by now? How many times had I felt that this was only going to get worse? And it probably was going to get worse. Because at that moment… I decided that I would not go home with Heero that night. I would not curl up next to him in that comfortable room.

Home. There was a reason it was named that. The place I grew up in. The place that held all of my possessions and memories. Why, now, was I having such a hard time adjusting without it? I didn’t even like that place when living there…. I didn’t even like the surroundings, or cruel parents living under that roof as well.

I didn’t know why… except for the feeling that I should stop running away. I should stop leaning on Heero like some safety net. I wanted to be on my own, use my own power to live. Not be dependant. But… I guess I could not accomplish that now, at this age. One was supposed to be dependant on their parents for those things until they were ready to leave the nest. Not some unsuspected individual drawn into this mess by force.

I wouldn’t do that to Heero again. I had been too selfish. That would end today. And if I ever made it out alive… then… then maybe I could show Heero just how much I had changed. I could show him the Duo Maxwell who is not a mess up freak. Who is not a weakling that leaches off of others all the time. Sure… that is what I was in the past… or that is how I had acted… but… I liked Heero. I liked him a lot. And I knew that someone like him could never like some idiot like me. A weak boy like me.

Maybe I was just insane. Insane for walking into something that could easily get me beat… hurt… killed. Well, I was apparently suicidal. And this would definitely help me in the wanting to get killed part…

I shook my head. No… lately… I hadn’t really had time to think about killing myself. I’d only had time to get depressed. And, for some reason… I didn’t really want to die just yet. How could I? When Wufei was out running around getting tortured; When Quatre was hurt; When Trowa was running around like a love sick puppy! Oh yeah, I had a hunch about that a little while before… but hadn’t really concerned myself with it until today, when Trowa had suggested we go to see how Quatre was doing. He probably didn’t have the guts to do it himself. Yeah, he had it bad. If only Quatre would open his eyes and realize that Trowa is ’always’ around him for a reason.

The small voice started drumming rapidly in my head, cutting off my amusing thoughts and bringing them back to where they should have been. ‘I was going home tonight,’ I told myself once again.

The strange feeling buzzed happily at my decision.

There were no words coming into mind as I felt the presence inside myself. There was nothing telling me that I was going to live another day, just like all those times it had come when I had attempted to kill myself. No, this was different. This was only a feeling I got from the annoying drum beat keeping me alive. Something was going to happen. And it knew it. And it was looking forward to it very much.

 

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TBC

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