Rituals - Part 2 by Maaya
Standard disclaimers apply
Heero POV
I lay there, listening as he seemed to calm down before getting up,
tumbling over his own bed, managing to make it out of the door, and
close it behind him.
Then there was quiet again.
I finally let myself relax, but how it now was, I
never drifted off to sleep. It was strange, because I did certainly
need the rest after that early mission. Instead I got obsessed with
waiting for Duo’s return.
It was so quiet and dark in here that the air felt
heavy and thick – too thick to breathe. It disgusted me how
I thought like that, and it disgusted me that I waited for Duo’s
return. I don’t really care, do I? My frustrating mind refused
to answer that question.
Why did I wait for him? What was it about him that
made me incapable of falling asleep in the middle of the night? Once
again, my thought went back to that incident at the school. He had
been quiet afterwards, and he had asked me to stay with him in a very,
very small voice.
He had asked me to stay. Somehow, that felt strange.
People don’t want me to stay with them, and I don’t want
to stay with people – it’s like an unspoken arrangement
between me and the society. Even the other pilots seem uncomfortable
around me, at least Quatre do.
Somewhere, deep inside, it felt. . . nice to be wanted
by someone. And it felt nice to want to be with someone too. It felt
nice to help someone and know that you were comforting in some way.
Comforting is a word I never thought I would use about
myself.
Dr. J once said that I was like a dog, or rather a
wolf, when I acted like that. Waiting for the return of the rest of
the pack.
But I can’t agree with him. I’ve never
had a pack and have certainly not needed it before. I want to be alone.
I just.. needed to know where things were.
However, my body refused to let me fall into the dark
rest that sleep would give me. I lay in my bed for a while, staring
up into the space of nothing, but no sound of careful footfalls ever
reached me.
Maybe I should add that I couldn’t hear any
loud, unmindful stamps either.
It took a while until it began to bother me, fifteen
minutes to be exact. Annoyed, I let five more minutes pass. When they
were past, I sat up in the bed and decided to go and see where he
was.
The carpet was too soft for me to feel with my soles
of feet, I only felt the pressure of my own body weight on the floor.
I have never thought about that fact before.
The soles of my feet are hardened from training –
running and walking mostly. A hard layer of thick skin has been produced
from it, probably not very unlike the kind that the Stone-Age people
had a long time ago.
I avoided bumping into my bed, like Duo had with his
own, and made it outside our room without causing any noise. The silence
was still the reigning force, like a king over a country.
The house’s construction was already memorized,
but it wasn’t needed as the lights in the bathroom were switched
on, shining out in the hallway through the only slightly open door.
Carefully, I walked up to the door and peeked inside.
There, just inside the bathroom door he sat on the
floor with his back turned towards me. His hair was untidy, with wisp
of chestnut falling out from the now very loose braid which was missing
its lace that was usually holding it together. For some reason I suspected
that he didn’t normally sleep with his hair braided and wondered
if he had tonight just because he would be sharing room with me. Did
he keep it in a braid when he shared room with Chang - Wufei too?
He was wearing a white tank top, but I could see how
the muscles were touting under it as he worked with something I couldn’t
see, something that required a lot of strength since his arms were
tense enough to make his bare shoulders tremble ever so slightly.
Suddenly, he seemed to realize that someone was standing
behind him, because he stilled completely for a second before snapping
his head around to see who intruded his privacy. I noticed how his
hand went upwards in a defensive gesture.
For some reason, that motion made me pleased. It showed
that he was trained correctly, that he had the instincts of a soldier
he needed to survive.
When I saw him the first time, I couldn’t really believe that
he was a gundam pilot. He seemed much too usual – like a normal
teenager, not at all like a gundam pilot. The only thing that made
me believe that he really was what he claimed to be was that special
glint of death and darkness in his eyes, - a glint of sarcasm and
cynicism that showed how old he really was inside. Ancient, like all
of us pilots.
Now I was met by those eyes, and the glint was stronger
than I had ever seen before.
We stared at each other for a moment filled with surprise
and wariness, until he broke the contact and turned around again.
“Do you always observe other people in the bathroom?”
His voice was a strange mix of sarcasm and stillness that fit well
into the situation.
I knew that he wasn’t expecting an answer so
why bother to give him one?
When he had turned around, his own body had unconsciously
scooted around and it gave me a clear view of what he was doing.
He was wrapping his knee.
It was almost in finishing stages, only a few inches
were left of the white bandage he was using and the knee looked positively
thicker, like if it was swollen and wrapped up in many layers at the
same time. I could see that he was wrapping too hard though, but that
wasn’t my business.
“Well?” He startled me out my thoughts
by saying. “Are you going to help me or not?”
I could either ignore him and walk away, or help him
so we’d both get back to our room as soon as possible.
I decided to help him.
Sitting down beside him, I quietly grabbed what was
left of the bandage and wrapped it around his knee before fastening
it, looser than he had done with the rest, and it allowed the whole
band to get looser and therefore simplify the blood circulation in
his leg.
When I looked up again, I met his startled face and
realized that he hadn’t expected me to actually help him. His
bangs and hairline was wet, so he had probably washed his face sometime
earlier. Droplets fell from the hair and onto his cheeks.
“Don’t do it too hard.” I told him
and stood up again. “It’ll only worsen it.”
“Oh. “ He actually looked embarrassed,
and his arm came up to scratch the back of his head in what seemed
to be a nervous gesture. Suddenly, he stilled with a comical expression
in his face. He moved his hand carefully over his hair and I was suddenly
hit by the realization – he hadn’t known what state his
hair was in. The hand fell to the floor behind him as he tried to
find the ending of the braid but couldn’t. His hand returned
with a handful of loose strands instead.
“Damn.
“It must have come loose tonight.” I heard
myself saying and it was only then I understood what some people meant
when they said that they wanted to hit themselves.
“Yeah.” Duo paused. “Guess so.”
Then he looked at me, incredulous. “You were awake?”
I didn’t answer but my silence seemed to confirm
his fears anyway.
“Oh, sorry. . . I didn’t mean to wake
you up. Wufei never did so I hoped you wouldn’t either. .”
“I was already awake.” I broke him off
in mid-sentence. “You didn’t wake me.”
“Oh.” He said again. “Oh.”
I decided that it was time for me to go, and I turned
around to do so, but didn’t get far because he spoke up again.
“Hey.”
I stopped and turned my head around enough to make
me see him out of the corner of my eye.
“Can you..” His voice trailed off and
I saw dimly how he took a deep breath before finishing the sentence.
“..help me up?”
My eyes widened and I turned around fully. He was
slightly flushed in his face and refused to look at me as he babbled
on and on without pausing, even to breath it seemed.
“. . . cannot move the knee like usual right
now s’I gonna have an ‘ard time gettin’ up. . .”
He was suddenly using English again, but it was spoken
in such a fast, drawling accent that I couldn’t sort out the
words properly. Idly, I wondered where he had gotten it from and in
which L2-colony’s you used it.
I walked up to where he was sitting on the floor,
grabbed his arm and hauled him up from the concrete. He made the strangest
‘eeping’ sound in surprise and I could tell that he wasn’t
prepared for me to help at all from the way he almost fell flat on
his stomach. I let go of his arm and turned around to walk straight
back to our shared room again.
Duo stayed though, and I could feel his stare that
made the hairs on my neck raise as it hit my back.
Back in bed again, I thought about his behaviour this
night. He had been the usual joker, but with something vulnerable
under – something unusual to see in his eyes. I had only seen
that.. emotion once, and it was that day in school with the teacher.
‘Maybe’, I said to myself and rolled over to lay flat
on my back, ‘maybe we are all hiding something from ourselves.’
*******
I dreamt a very strange dream that night. I can’t
remember why or what it was really about but I know for certain that
it was something involving all the pilots. I can remember choking
on something salty that I can guess was tears, but I was covered in
it. It was like I was drowning in that salt liquid together with the
others.
Then I saw a braid floating past and I grabbed it
as hard as I could in an attempt to save my life. Then I saw a sword
that I also grabbed – and a heart in stone and a lion.
That’s all I can remember. I’m not sure
if I grabbed the heart and the lion.
I didn’t remember the dream when I woke up –
in fact, I believed that I never dreamt at that time. But now, afterwards,
some images came to mind – like from past lives I’ve had.
One thing that surprises me is how strange it was
that I held on. I had wanted to die during that time – it was
the mission that kept me alive. So why did I hold on to those symbols?
Was it an unconscious scream for friendship and closeness?
That’s what Duo thought when I told him about it once.
*******
I did soon realize that there was much to learn about
each other. Everyone had their own habits, tastes, thoughts, and beliefs.
Breakfast for example.
I wake up seven o’clock every morning, brush
my teeth and eat breakfast. But it seems like that was the simple
version of doing it all. Duo was still asleep when I woke and he had
curled into the smallest lump possible under the quilts. The only
thing I could see of him that confirmed he really was Duo Maxwell,
was the strands of hair the peeked out in angles all around him. I
made it look like he was totally covered in chestnut hair under those
sheets.
Thinking about how badly it must be for his knee to
lie like that, I dressed and went downstairs, only to be met by the
sight of both Wufei and Trowa already sitting by the table. The fact
that they had been earlier than me bothered me for some reason, but
I ignored that part of my mind and went towards a cupboard and took
out a glass. None of them offered any good morning, and I didn’t
bother either, just turned silently towards the sink and filled the
glass with water.
Since we hadn’t had time to buy any supplies,
the fridge was most probably empty and the fact that Trowa and Wufei
wasn’t and hadn’t eaten anything (I assumed that they
hadn’t since I couldn’t see any dishes) confirmed my thought.
I like to think that it didn’t bother me to
miss a meal, but it seemed like it did because I felt a strange tug
in my stomach, as if it longed for something I hadn’t given
it today. I desperately wanted to go up to my room but another voice
in my head asked why I couldn’t stay now when Wufei and Trowa
stayed. Maybe it was a strange kind of stubbornness I have never had
before?
The result was that I slid down to sit on a chair,
the one furthest away from Wufei and Trowa, and settled with thinking
about.. various things.
A moment of quiet came, but the door to the kitchen
was suddenly open, and then closed again with a loud slam after letting
the disturber inside. Not too surprisingly, it was Duo.
Just inside the door, he stopped and stared at us
with a strange expression visible in his face. I looked back and guessed
that the others did the same.
Duo’s hand came up and he waved cheerfully to
us, though with the same unreadable expression. “Hi guys.”
He said and went towards the fridge. “Are you aware of that
you are all sitting furthest away from each other as it is possible?”
I looked around at us three at the table and hated
to admit that he was right, though some part of my brain had made
it intentional. I guessed that the other guys thought the same.
Only Wufei seemed to bother with an answer. I think
it was because he was the most comfortable around our loud Deathscythe
pilot since they had shared a room in school. “Yes.”
It wasn’t much of an answer, I realized, but
Duo seemed to settle with that, at least for the moment. He opened
the fridge and then stopped as if he had been shot. It took a while,
but then he turned to us.
“Well.” He drawled. “Was it really
that hard to open your mouths and tell me that there wasn’t
anything to eat?”
“No.” I offered coldly.
“You’d find out anyway.” Wufei added.
He was keeping his cool, but I could at the same time recognize a
faint tone of. . . amusement? in his voice.
Duo rolled his eyes and slid down on the chair next
to mine, muttering something I didn’t care to listen to.
Why did he sit down in the chair next to mine? Why
not Wufei’s or Trowa’s? He sat close enough so I could
feel his warmth radiate from his body in steady waves, and I realized
how cold it really was in the safe-house.
Cold doesn’t bother me like it would with a
normal t-shirt. But then again, I’m not a normal person. My
body’s comfort is in second hand – the comfort of my mind
is much more important. And having this vibrant boy beside me didn’t
give any kind of mental comfort. I could almost feel his energy hit
me together with the warmth.
He’s so confusing. This night, he was quiet,
uncertain and seemed almost afraid. He had still joked, but with much
more subtlety than usual. I liked that part of him because it was
how I felt about myself when I was younger. Now, this morning, he
was cool and joking. Cheerful. That part made *me* uncertain.
“What are you reading, Wufei?”
Duo’s cheerfully asked question startled me
out of my thoughts and I looked up. Maybe a little surprised, I could
note that yes, Wufei had a large book lying on the table in front
of him. Where did that come from? Had he been reading that when I
entered? I couldn’t remember.
The Chinese man’s eyes remained on the page
he was reading for a little longer before he looked up, annoyed. “What
did you say?”
“What.” The braided boy paused and gesticulated
towards the thick volume, probably to add more effect to his words.
“Are you reading?”
Wufei looked down in his book again as if he thought
the question was too stupid to bother with an answer. He stroked a
hand over his face for some reason I couldn’t pin-point. Just
as I thought Duo would ask again, he looked up.
“The Complete Works of William Shakespeare.”
One chestnut eyebrow rose, questioning. “In
Chinese?”
“English.”
The brow was lowered again, maybe a little too much
to be its normal state. “Then why in the name of God aren’t
we speaking English if we’re all so darn good at it? It is an
international language, you know.”
There was a faint tone of frustration in his voice,
very unlike the usual cheerful way he speaks in. Leaning forwards
to rest his elbows against the table, I couldn’t help but notice
a large bruise, almost hidden under the thick braid that covered his
neck. Where had he gotten that? Had it been there this night?
“. . .and.” He added suddenly. “I
hate Japanese.”
I looked at him in a way that some people might call
staring. But it wasn’t – because I don’t stare.
Duo’s Japanese isn’t bad. In fact, it’s
better than both Quatre’s and Trowa’s, and he manages
to avoid sounding like a gaijin most of the time. I think that the
stay at the school helped quite a lot because the accent was much
worse when we first met. But I didn’t tell him that.
Once again, my thoughts were interrupted, this time
by Quatre as the blonde entered the kitchen – still looking
positively bed-ragged. He rubbed his red and puffy eyes and yawned
widely at the same time. He was wearing a light blue flannel-shirt
and trousers in the same material.
The first thought that went through my head was ‘this
has to be a joke’ and the second was ‘a gundam pilot can’t
look like that’.
By the look on their faces, I believe that’s
what the others around the table thought too.
Duo was the first one to recover. He jumped up. “Mornin’
Q!”
“Good Morning, Duo.” Quatre went over
to the fridge, just like Duo had done some moments ago. He was stopped
by the braided youth though.
“Don’t bother – it’s empty.”
“Empty?” Quatre echoed, looking surprised
and clueless at the same time.
“Yeah, empty like, there’s no food.”
“Oh.” Pause. Then, “Is there a store
somewhere around here?”
“Don’t know.”
“About a mile from here.” I offered and
they stared at me as if they hadn’t spotted me until now. “There’s
a town a mile from here.”
An uncomfortable silence filled the room as we all
looked at each other, not knowing what to say. Eventually, Duo broke
it with a grin.
“I’m going to pick some things up from
Deathscythe! You coming, Heero?”
“No.” I said, wanting to avoid his company
when he acted like the joker. If he had acted like he did tonight
however, then I maybe would have followed.
But that’s another story.
He looked disappointed for a moment but recovered
quickly and grinned again, “Your loss.”
Then he walked, no – limped, out of the door.
It wasn’t until he was gone that I realized
that I had to check some things on Wing.
Damnit.
*******
TBC
*******
On to Part 3 (in progress)