Dream On by Maaya
The song belongs to Aerosmith
and is called (surprise, surprise) Dream On
Standard disclaimers apply
//lyrics//
//Every time that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting' clearer//
I hate him. I know I do. Why else do I feel sick every time I meet
him, feeling that strange reaction of something I've never felt before?
I hate his girlfriend to, Relena Peacecraft, the bitch of the school.
I know she's not really a bitch; she's just a tease, a flirt. Just
like I am, or was. Lets say 'was'.
I stared at my face, reflected in the mirror. It's funny, really;
my eyes seem too big and too violet, they don't belong in my thin,
pale face. My hair. Oh god, my hair. It's unwashed, and hangs down
on my back in a pathetic greyish braid. My skin is yellowish. I knew
I shouldn't have started to smoke those disgusting cigarettes. I'm
just too late to realize that, am I not?
Mom wanted me to stop, but when she tells me something, why
would I listen? No one listen to her! Even dad stopped and
then he went away, to Canada, I think. Together with a nice talkative
girl who actually wanted to have sex with him. We never heard from
him again, and who cares?
I was together with Heero, you know? We were best friends since we
were 8 and now I hate him. When we became 15, we realized that we
liked each other more than usual friends did, and that we actually
enjoyed kissing each other. We were in love for 3 years. Three fucking
years, when I was happy, enjoying my life with him and my friends.
It was I, Heero, Quatre, Trowa, Wufei, Meiran and Sally.
Quatre and Trowa are together; they have been for a looong time, probably
were even before the dinosaurs died. They are sickly sweet together,
don't you think? "Trowa that", and "Quatre that",
blah, blah, blah. Eeeew!
With Wufei, Meiran and Sally, I'm not sure. I've known Wufei for the
longest of all us, and seen him bickering with Meiran, then Sally,
then Meiran again. Then I've seen Meiran and Sally bickering with
each other. Confusing stuff. In the end, I think they like to do it.
I wonder if Wufei ever has to choose between them? The result would
be in disaster.
Then, in the middle of our happy days, the little pink princess stepped
into the picture and stole Heero's heart, in the front of my eyes.
I saw it clearly, how he suddenly started to look at her, all the
time! Just her; Relena Peacecraft, with her honey blonde hair, sea-green
eyes and beautiful, smooth skin. Ugh!
And every time he threw a look at her, she would wink or smile at
him. Maybe some kissing-motions too. Like I said; Ugh!
Then, one day, I found a note in my locket. Heero and I had exchanged
our extra-keys, in case one of us forgot one, and the note was from
him. My extra-key lay there too. A NOTE! He didn't even have the guts
to tell me face to face!
The note said that he loved Relena Peacecraft, but he hoped that we
still could be friend and all that. Bullshit!
How could I remain a friend with Heero when I loved him so much that
I hated him?
//The past is gone
It went by like dust to dawn//
I never really tried talking with him. He didn't either. We just lost
contact with each other. Wufei told me that I was being stupid, but
that Heero was an idiot. A real idiot.
Quatre comforted me, or at least, he tried to comfort me. It didn't
truly work. Too much cooing and poor baby's for my taste.
Sally and Meiran stopped bickering for a week to show their sympathy
for me. That's how they deal with things. They help each other trough
the hard things only to help me. In a strange way, it helped, more
than Quatre did, but only for a while. They are the best girls I've
ever met.
Trowa didn't do much of anything, he was the closest to Heero (if
you didn't counted me) and they talked for a while after he left me,
but they seemed to loose contact too. Heero got too many friends from
Relena, I guess.
Mom yelled from the kitchen that it was to get up now, and that I
had to make myself ready for school. Poor mom. She just can't understand
why I hate her. Not that I understand either. I hate many things now;
especially myself, for hating her, my own mother for goddess sake!
//Isn't that the way
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay//
I got dressed, in my usual all-black attire that made me look even
paler before stomping down the stairs, opened the door and slammed
it closed again after me. Only too show mom that I was in a REALLY
bad mood. Damn, I forgot my coat.
*******
By the time I arrived to school, I was ice-cold. It was snowing outside,
damn it! The cold had numbed me into I nice state of not being able
to think. (do I have to tell you that I have 4 kilometres to school?)
Bus? Don't have enough money.
For a while, I wondered if I should just stay outside the school for
a while and enjoy that feeling, but Quatre shoved up and dragged me
into the school building. For some reason, he was angry.
"Duo!? What were you thinking, standing in the cold like that?
Where's your coat? Why didn't you go inside?" He sounded..scared?
At least very upset.
When I was inside in the warmth again, I started to feel the cold.
It was like a massive pain in my body, that made me whimper, shake
and clatter my teeth. I couldn't understand why Quat was so angry.
Was it because of me? Or someone else? How could I know that it would
be so cold to walk to school in black jeans and a black tee-shirt?
It only took me an hour.
Pain.
Cold.
Alone?
Yes, alone. I had friends, sure, but no one understood. That made
me alone.
Wufei appeared from nowhere and he calmly handed me his coat. It was
still warm since he had worn it. That's what I like about Wufei. He's
so calm. He may bicker with everyone, but he's still calm when it's
needed and it's soothing. He's cool. Wait a minute! Who said it was
needed?
I snuggled deeper into the long grey coat and tried to stop shiver.
Needless to say, it didn't work. I don't know why, but I've started
to get skinny the latest months. Have I really eaten like I should?
It was then I realized that both Wufei and Quatre were looking at
me, or rather, staring at me. Still shivering, I grinned a somewhat
shaky grin. God, I must look pathetic!
"Hey, what's up? Wufei? Quatre?" I said in a try to sound
cheerful. Wonder if it worked?
Then I fell. At first, I expected to feel the hard stone floor when
I thumped into it, but I never did. Darkness had claimed before that.
The last thing I saw was a pair of Prussian blue eyes staring at me.
Maybe it was just my imagination?
//I know what nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes//
*******
Floating
Black
White
Alive?
Awake
Where was I? In a white room. Wait, I recognized it! I was in the
schools resting room, where you can stay if you feel sick or something.
What the fuck had happened?
Cold
Did I faint? Impossible, right? Right? Boys don't faint.
Oh, well.. Maybe I fainted..
The door opened and I saw a blonde head peek into the room. Quatre.
Great, he was probably *very* worried right now. When he saw that
I was awake, his eyes lit up "Hey", he said, carefully and
tried to smile, and hide his concerned expression, but it didn't work.
"Hey" I answered, as quietly as he had done and sat up in
the bed. Ouch, they should really buy some new beds in this school,
I mean; the students can get serious problems with their backs if
they rest long enough. I can already feel my future trouble; maybe
I can blame the headmaster? Anyway, back to Quatre. He looked at me
as if I was an alien or something. Self- consciously, I touched my
hair and my face to feel if something felt strange about it. Nope,
I hadn't got any horns. Lucky me.
Quatre continued to stare. Finally he opened his mouth and spoke,
"You've changed, Duo. I can't understand why I didn't saw this
earlier."
Sigh. Exactly what I wanted to hear. Go on and blame yourself Quatre,
like you always do. It's not your fault anyway. It's Heero's, Relena's
and maybe my self's too..
"The school-counsellor wants to see you. She'll be here in a
minute." Quatre continued. When he saw how angry I got because
of his last statement, he decided that it was time to go, "Umm,
I've got to hurry to class now, bye!" He closed the door and
disappeared down the corridor.
//I know it's everybody's sin
You got to lose to know how to win//
A minute later, I heard a timid knock on the door. Before I had time
to answer, a woman who probably was the school-counsellor stormed
in. I stared at her. She was of middle-length, thin, and her long
straight black hair made her skin look paler that in actually was.
She was dressed in all white clothes, and it gave me the impression
that she worked on a hospital instead of a school. "You're Mr.
Maxwell, right?" she asked in a calming voice. That kind of voice
that makes you sleepy, "Can I call you Duo?"
I shrugged, and she seemed to take it as a 'yes'.
She sat down on the bed beside me and took out a gigantic writing
pad from he pocket. A pencil appeared from nowhere and she wrote something
I couldn't see. When she looked up again, she stared directly into
my eyes. He eyes were blue, something I hadn't noticed earlier. "My
name is Sarah Bishop. You can call me Sarah if you want."
I shrugged once again. What could I actually answer?
Sara spoke again, "Duo, I was send to talk to you about some
things you seem to have a problem with. You fainted when you arrived
here, why?"
"Don't know" I mumbled and looked out of the window beside
her head. I could see a snowflake falling from the grey sky. A moment
later, a second came.
"Mr. Chang said you didn't had a jacket when you came. Where's
your jacket?"
Oh, nice question. Where do you think it is, idiot, in the fridge?
"At home" I said and tried to ignore my annoying mind that
seemed to enjoy throwing sarcastic questions. How can I stand myself?
Sarah wrote something more on her notepad, before watching me again.
Suddenly I realized what she looked like; a vampire. I wonder how
she would react if I told her that? Best not to try..
"You're awfully pale, Duo. Have you really eaten like you should?
You're a growing boy and you need to eat."
That was a *good* question. I had no idea what I had been eating the
last days. Did I even eat breakfast today? I shrugged and Sarah continued
to write on her notepad. This was gonna be a loooong day..
//Half my life's in books' written pages
Live and learn from fools and from sages//
*******
"How did it go?" Quatre asked as he and I went into the
cafeteria to get some lunch. Sarah had given me a detailed description
of what I should eat every day, and how much. I wasn't in my best
mood, but then again, when had I been in a good mood latest? Good
question. And I couldn't answer it either. Suddenly, I realized that
Quatre waited for an answer. I snorted.
"Don't know" It was true, I didn't know if it had been a
good or a bad meeting. Sarah had just asked me some questions and
then she wrote a lot. Nothing interesting.
The school served a strange thing that they called 'spaghetti' today,
but the students called it 'grey glogg'. It was more of a grey substance,
that's why we called it that. Grimacing, I laid a lot on my plate
as I remembered Sarah's words. 'You must eat more Duo, for your own
sake'. The school-staff stared at me in shock, as did Quatre. "Hungry
today?" he asked in wonder as he took his own portion, which
was a lot smaller than mine.
"Nope, but the counsellor wanted me to eat more, I answered honestly."
As I saw his expression, I realized that he didn't like talking about
it. Strange, it should be the other way around, right? I being the
one not wanting to talk, and he being the one who tried to help? Maybe
it was just too strange for him that Duo, the happy joker and one
of his best friends have to meet the school-counsellor? I have to
admit; it *is* quite strange.
We managed to find a clean, empty table and we sat down. As we ate,
Quatre chatted on about this and that, while I listened. In a way,
it reminded me of when I was together with Heero. I was like Quatre,
who tried to make conversations all the time about unimportant things,
while Heero just listened, and maybe grunted an answer now and then.
After a while, Wufei arrived and sat down together with us. He never
asked if I was okay, but somehow I was grateful about it. Strange,
huh? I wasn't all that hungry, but I ate the most of the 'grey gogg'
anyway. Don't know how I managed.
AS we sat there at the table, Quatre suddenly looked up with an unreadable
expression in his face. I knew what I would see, but I looked up anyway.
I regretted it.
I saw Heero walk past the table, close enough so I could touch him
if I wanted. Relena clung to his arm as if it was her only way to
survive. It made me disgusted. Just as they went past, Heero looked
at me.
We looked into each other's eyes for a second, before I looked away.
When I looked up again I saw that he had looked away too. Was that
good or bad? I wonder what he saw in my eyes? Did he see how 'dark'
it was inside of me? If he did, he didn't show it. Not that he ever
did.
I got quite surprised when I saw the glare Quatre of all people, gave
Heero. My ex-boyfriend also seemed surprised by that, who knew that
kind little Quatre could glare like that?
Relena seemed to be uncomfortable by our way to greet them and decided
that they weren't welcome. Surprise, surprise, but she was actually
right for once.
//You know it's true
All the things come back to you//
*******
I regretted that I had eaten so much for lunch, because
everything came up later. I sat in one of those toilet stalls and
threw up everything I had in my stomach, and maybe more too. Needless
to say; I felt like shit.
I ran away from the math-class without asking for permission, ignored
the strange looks I got, and sprinted inside the toilet stall. I did
*not* want to puke on the floor. I know a guy who did that once, and
he had to clean up the mess afterwards.
When I was done, I stood up again and looked at myself in the mirror,
like I had done this morning. I even *looked* like shit.
Heero. It was after he left that all this started. But I can live
without him, can't I? And what do I mean with 'all this'?
I decided to go home, Quatre could get as worried as he wanted but
I'll go home.
//Sing with me sing for the years
Sing for the laughter and sing for the tears//
*******
It was cold outside, *very cold*. I wondered if I should have borrowed
Wufei's coat since he takes the bus anyway. Well, I couldn't do anything
about it now.
I figured that mom wouldn't be home when I came, so I would get the
whole house for myself. Finally some good news.
As I walked down the road, shivering, I suddenly saw something. Guess
who? Right the first time; I saw a guy with messy brown hair and Prussian
blue eyes. With him, he had his pink girlfriend; Relena Peacecraft.
Funny, I never thought that the little princess would be the type
to skip classes. Heero I knew, but that she did it made me really
surprised. They hugged each other, and I realized that I had to walk
right past them to get home. Exactly what I wanted. I really hope
you heard the sarcasm in my last statement!
I fought against my urge to turn around and pretend that I hadn't
seen them, but what I had left of my dignity made me walk straight
ahead. Sometimes I hate myself.
I made it past them without any problem, but suddenly I heard a voice
that said, "Where's your jacket?"
It was Heero who had spoken, and he managed to catch me by surprise.
Why does he always do that? "Uhh, what?" I said as I turned
around to face him. Wow, I should win 100 dollars for the year's worst
answer. I sounded like the guys with IQ lower than 10 who like to
pester me at school. Sigh.
Heero bit his lip, and looked nervous. I didn't know that he could
look serious, but he did as he repeated, "Where's your jacket?"
Suddenly, I felt angry. What kind of question was that? Why did have
want to know? I really wanted to tell him to fuck off, but I couldn't.
Why am I so weak? Instead, I said, "Why do you care?".
Heero seemed taken back by that, and I don't blame him. Before he
left me, I used to be happy and nice to just about everyone.
He looked at Relena for a moment and she shrugged, before leaving.
She walked down the lonely street in swift motions. She didn't seem
angry, but annoyed and frustrated. Her pink clothes seemed even pinker
that usual against the grey asphalt. I can't understand how Heero
stands to look at her since he used to hate pink as much as I do.
We used to make fun of those self-conscious Barbie-girls in school
who worshipped pink for an unknown reason. We used to play videogames,
eat ice cream and laugh without reason too. Now Heero seems so grown
up, so old.
When Relena was gone, he looked at me before he opened his mouth.
"Where are you going?". I guess that he tried to start a
conversation. He failed.
I merely shrugged. "Home", and started to walk. I could
hear him following, and suddenly I felt something warm around my shoulders.
I glared at Heero and his coat, which I was now wearing.
It was his turn to shrug "It's freezing, and your lips are turning
blue." He didn't wear anything more than a shirt under the coat
and he would probably catch a cold, but I accepted the coat anyway,
as if to show that I didn't care about him. Besides, it felt quite
nice.
//Sing with me if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away//
We walked in silence for a while before Heero surprisingly broke it.
"Is everything fine?" he asked.
"It's okay" I answered. It felt strange to talk to him;
I hadn't done that in almost a year.
"How is everyone?"
I tried to smile at the question. "As usual. Quatre and Towa
are just..Sweet, and the rest are bickering with each other."
Heero actually laughed. Laughed! I hadn't heard that special sound
that I had learnt to love in a year! 'But', I had to remind myself,
'you don't love it anymore, do you?' The voice in my head seemed angry.
//Sing with me if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away//
We walked the rest of the way in silence, until we reached my house.
I took the coat off and handed it to him "Thanks".
He only smiled at me. For some reason, I didn't want to go inside
just yet. We stood and stared at each other for a moment before he
reached out and caressed my cheek. "It was nice to meet you again
Duo. Good bye.". He turned around and walked away.
I stared at him. I realized that this was the good bye he couldn't
say to me last year. It was the end. The end.
I went inside, and I felt strangely empty inside. Too empty. I knew
what I had left to do, and I smiled. It didn't matter anymore.
I searched through the bathroom for the razorblades I knew we kept
somewhere. As I found one, I tested its edge with my finger. It started
to bleed instantly. I didn't know that blood could have such a crimson
red colour. The knife's edge got a metallic red colour because of
the grey steel.
//Dream on dream on dream on
Dream yourself a dream come true
Dream on dream on dream on//
I took the knife and went upstairs. I seemed to be mesmerized by the
blade and I couldn't take my eyes away from it. It was so dangerous,
but still beautiful..
Beautiful? Had I really thought that?
I sat down on the bed and thought for a minute. I looked at the white
sheets, as I thought about Quatre, Wufei, Sally, Trowa, Meiran, Mother,
Father and finally Heero.
Heero.
Good Bye.
//Dream until your dream comes true
Dream on dream on dream on dream on
Dream on dream on dream on yeah//
Slowly, I put the edge of the blade against my wrist, where I could
see the bluish blood vein. I stared for a minute as I realized what
I was doing, and then took all my courage and I pushed the knife into
the vein.
The blue colour got red as the blood streamed out of my arm, colouring
the sheets red. I slit my other wrist too, but the pain wasn't big.
I didn't feel anything, inside or outside. I leaned back on my bed
as I relaxed. I got slowly colder.
//Sing with me sing for my year
Sing for my laughter and sing for my tear
Sing with me if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away
Sing with me sing for my year
Sing for my laughter and sing for my tear
Sing with me if it's just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away//
*******
The End
*******
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