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It's raining again.
I'd take shelter in a wolf's den if I could, just to escape the buckets of water drenching my garments into a soggy mess, but there's no such luck for me, oh no.
Sighing, I pick a direction at random and follow it doggedly. It has to lead out of this nameless forest somehwere.
I think I'm the only person in the world who could be caught dripping wet, lost in the middle of nowhere, and still be smiling.
It's this rain, I suppose... I always smile when it rains, dating back to that faraway day when Kirara-sama whisked me away from my precious life. Later I killed my 'family' and I smiled.
Is that strange?
Was there supposed to be something fundamentally incompatible between those two facts?
They call me a freak for smiling so much... all of them. The killed, my current companions, those sundry acquaintances I puck up during the course of business dealings... they don't seem to understand *why* my lips can twitch upwards at the most inappropriate times. Hi-sama doesn't... but then she's somewhat of a freak herself, so her opinion is probably somewhat skewered.
I contemplate explaining, sometimes, but always dismiss the thought. After all, what they think of me is their business, and I really couldn't care less.
But the truth of the thing is, I don't smile because I'm happy al the time, as some people readily assume.
I smile because I never am.
That's not to say that I'm unhappy of course... I'm quite content with the world as it is. I feel pleasure. A never-ending, unbroken sense of pleasure....
Even pleasure can grow boring after a while.
I think I once heard someone, somewhere, define happiness as the 'fulfillment of a wish, the increase of joy, the lessening of pain'. And when I heard it, I knew, for certain, that I could never be happy.
I have no wishes.
I feel no joy.
No pain, either.
And it's not like I mind of course... that's part of the problem. If I really wanted to be happy... if I really wanted anything, as a matter of fact...then I would have a wish, wouldn't I? And a shot at happiness, however remote the chances.
But that's not the way things are. That's not the way *I* am. I'm just not built for happiness. I guess... the gods and goddesses must have left something out when creating me. Of course, they couldn't be expected to take particular notice of every birth they handle, now could they? A few aberrations are to be expected, and who can complain?
If I only smiled out of happiness, I would never smile.
Smiling is an occasionally necessary weapon, though. It can save a lot of pain, and don't I know it.
So I smile. And because I can't tell when I should, I just keep it tacked on for good.
It works out fairly well, really. There are times when it serves no purpose, such as now, when the only ones who can see my grin are the gods and a bunch of soggy trees. But on the whole, it pays. Old ladies look on indulgently when their grandchildren wander over to my side for a chat.
Business associates are more accomdoating than they would be if faced with Houou's fierce pride and superiority. Heh. They all seem to think it means something, the twist of the facial muscles, when in reality...
I smile when I eat.
I smile when I talk
I smile when the sword slices through my victim's body, smile as their warm blood splashes onto my face and my clothes and fills my nostrils with their salty scene-- though I'm rarely that sloppy.
I *don't* smile when I sleep, which is something, I guess. Kyoui-niisama says I look more like the killer I am when asleep than otherwise.
Hm, I didn't know that.... oh well. It doesn't matter to me. It never really did. Maybe that's why I'm the way I am. Did I ever really care about anything in the first place?
I don't really know.
^_^ Another little homely little fic from me, contradictions and backwardness everywhere. Yes there was a point to it, and I made this fic a long long time ago. @_@ Anyway, ^_^ it's a little delving into the supposedly 'empty' mind of our current resident psycho... like? @_@ Yes I wrote this when I first saw Soujirou. *_* YEAAAAAAH Soujirou.