See "An Introduction to Detective Monica" for Full Disclaimers.
Boring disclaimer stuff: I'm only borrowing Duncan, Joe, Methos, Richie and this particular type of Immortal from copyright owners Davis/Panzer, Rysher, Gaumont Television, Greg Widen and anyone else that should be credited -- hey, the guys all followed me home, okay? What was I supposed to do? Anyway, I'm sending 'em back none the worse for wear. Trust me. I'm not making any money off of 'em, either. Any other character, especially Detective Monica, belongs to me, copyright 1997, as they came out of my head for the most part -- and she'll gut you with a fish knife if you try messing with her. She's learned a little from every boyfriend she's had. You can send this on to personal friends as much as you want, as long as you keep it intact, including these stupid disclaimers -- but you don't have permission to put it up on any other web page, distribute to a mailing list, re-print in a fanzine, etc. and so forth. If you want to do that, please write [email protected] and ask my permission first. If I'm gonna get famous, I'd like to know where. Last, the episode Archangel never happened in this particular Highlander universe; this splits off somewhere after End of Innocence. Well, geeze, Det. Monica turned up; that does have a tendency to change things! However, aside from that -- really, no other departures from series canon. Seriously. I think. Just additional people appearing, and a slightly skewed take on things. [veg]
Rating: Well, it originally appeared on an AOL board, so it's PG at the most. And that's for occasional language. Also, most definitely Humor.
"The Garbage Report"
-- The First Adventure of Det. Monica --
© 1997 Monica A. Schafer
Part One
Hi gang -- been kinda busy lately, so haven't been by except to log for later -- and boy, do I have catching up to do! Will no doubt end up in emergency room for cracked ribs from laughing. However, thought you'd like to know what I've been working on . . . actually, I've been sort of rummaging around lately -- well, sneaking, more like -- trying out my new ACME Sekrit Undercover Trenchcoat, you know. And boy, do those really work! People were ignoring me -- and I don't think it was the smell. Well, anyway, I just happened to stumble into an open dumpster and find a few interesting items.
Well, I couldn't help it, ya know? Geeze, what would you do if you saw this DDG guy dumping a couple bags of trash while you're practicing being inconspicuous? A guy with no wedding ring, yet? And I do mean gorgeous, even from the back; he had a great, um, well, you know. So I'm drooling over him . . . I mean, surveilling him and skulking along, and ended up falling, er, scoping out the dumpster. After all, I am almost all the way through my course for the ICSSB/ACME Detective 2nd Class Certificate . . . and part of the current assignment is profiling someone by analyzing their garbage. So . . . anyway, I thought you'd like to see the first class assignment report I sent in on it. It's kinda long, will have to post in pieces, dunno how many. Hope it's not too boring; I'm bucking for an A . . .
Garbage Report #1 -- 2/97:
Subject Description: Brown-on-brown Caucasian male, DDG, 6', about 190 lbs. give or take. Shoulder-length hair, worn in ponytail during initial sighting; apparent age early to mid-30's. From study of discarded junk mail envelopes, subject is one 'Duncan MacLeod;' appears to own the gym located on lower floor of building he also resides in.
Junk mail is quite interesting; this guy has some really weird hobbies, and apparently a helluva lot of time on his hands. I mean, I can understand the martial arts mags renewal notices -- the gym and all -- no surprise to find some rather cheesy catalogs selling various items such as cheapie reproduction swords, like the one with the 'ivory' hilt -- yeah, right; catalogs appear to have been gone through frequently -- several items marked with scribbled-out 'X's,' dog-eared pages and so forth.
But the letter from the local Opera Association begging him to consider matching "his generous donation of last year"? This to a guy who appears to live in what looks like a remodeled brewery?? And what's with the other letter about contributions, from the Blues Musicians' Benevolent Fund, with what appears to be a hastily scribbled handwritten note added, as follows: "Mac -- yeah, yeah, I know, but hey, I had to come up with at least one name for the list or they would've started getting a little suspicious. And you know how pensions are, I may end up at the Musician's home after all -- especially after last year. J." So who the hell is J, and what pension is he talking about? If he's getting a pension, why worry about the Musician's home? -- presumably a retirement home for elderly and indigent blues musicians. And if J is a blues musician -- who the hell is he getting said pension from, then? And what happened last year? Did he screw up somewhere? And is he a friend of the subject or making a subtle blackmail demand?
(Note to self: pursue question of J; ID him/her and get background check) If not blackmail, why is he asking the subject for a donation? The guy doesn't seem to be making any money from the damned gym! Last but not least, there's the auction house catalogs -- and I mean from places like Sotheby's!! Totally incongruous . . . where the heck would this guy get the bucks to buy antiques like that? (He seems to have a jones for antique weapons -- lots more circlings and scribbles on any in catalogs, with some weird notations I'll go into later.)
Then there's the (minimal) office-type trash -- which is where I found info on the cash-flow situation of the gym. Some rough draft computer printout -- apparently he recycles most of his paper, only a few odd pages made it to the trash -- but they appear to be accounting spreadsheets, and I don't see how the guy manages to live and keep his business running!!! He's pretty much in the red, from the looks of it, and charges only a pittance for memberships. I mean, even I could afford this gym! Not only that, but he doesn't appear to have the stupid place open a lot of the time, yet he still keeps a manager! (Salary listed for one 'Richard Ryan,' manager; Ryan still unseen during surveillance as yet. So does the guy work here or not if he's never around?! And what the heck is the subject doing with all this free time, hmmm? I mean, he's not managing the place . . .) Of course, there were only 4 pages of financial records drafts, so it's kind of hard to draw conclusions from such a small amount of info -- will have to lurk around dumpster and see if can find more biz docs.
Okay, now the rest of the stuff is really odd. We've established that subject, said Duncan MacLeod, doesn't appear to have much folding green in the kitty, right?? Oh, yeah? You should see his grocery receipts!! And the actual trash -- the guy must be a manic recycler, few glass items; but I did find some cartons, and he must bathe in Perrier! Or beer -- several cartons from local micro-breweries also. Of course, that's not the cheapest beer you can buy, either. (Although he does have good taste, gotta say that for him -- some great beers, not all the same brand, either. Seems to go through a lot of it -- poss. alcoholic??? Or throws a lot of parties.) Plus he doesn't appear to stint himself on the finer things in life, foodwise -- Kona coffee, he had a Porterhouse steak sometime in the last week, not to mention the Chinook salmon. I mean, yeah, this is the great Northwest . . . but hey, those puppies still cost!
Besides food . . . those clothes! (And no, I don't mean the fit -- although that was fantastic -- and showed him off quite nicely. The guy obviously keeps himself in very good shape. Very! Plus has, ahh, certain natural assets which -- oh, never mind.) Yeah, clothes. Of course I couldn't see labels -- but geeze, I can recognize silk when I see it! Taking out the trash in a silk shirt and a pair of slacks that musta cost . . . well, I'm not sure, but doubt I could afford 'em. What kind of in-the-red gym owner wears silk shirts to dump trash?
And of course, there's the vintage T-bird (yum, neat-looking car, although I've heard those ragtops can be a real pain trying to fold up; and how much do parts cost?). License plate 827 KEG; black paint job. Cherry, from the look I could get.
Well, I couldn't carry all that stuff back, of course. I ended up doing a rather hasty sort, due to some suspicious-looking characters who began loitering around somewhat . . . although I couldn't have seen what I thought I did. Who wears Groucho glasses out in public??? Especially with red hair; a bit too conspicuous . . . Then there was that odd-looking fellow who went mumbling by wearing, of all things, a green robe and fuzzy slippers, carrying -- I swear, I am not making this up -- what looked like one of those fakey sword reproductions I saw in those catalogs! And he was nattering on about shopping carts and Welcome Wagons, of all things.
Lordie, we're getting more street people up here, why don't they build more shelters so the poor guys don't have to wander the streets? And how is this guy getting missed by the cops? Although, I suppose if you carry a sword out in plain sight, it's not considered a concealed weapon . . . looked sharp, though. Then I thought I saw this really gorgeous girl signaling to him -- I was getting nervous by then, so I humped it out of there after he went weaving by, and saw them talking together down at the other corner. And she sure didn't look like the Salvation Army or anything; dressed in a gold catsuit under her raincoat?? With pink roses sewn on it?!! Yeesh; maybe I should check out the whole bloody neighborhood, it might make the subject look almost normal!
Anyway, I brought back home a whole sack of stuff I didn't have time to really look at while I was trying to crawl out of -- I mean, while I was searching the dumpster. I'll send an additional report in a few days.
Oh, and Prof. Karoly, I was wondering -- if I do a really in-depth study on this guy, can I get extra credit???
Monica
Student ID#0000000.01
[The following was taken from a post on the Seacouver message board]
Subj: Clean-up Crew on Holiday?
Date: 97-02-07 02:48:36 EST
From: Nimshubur
Is the quickening clean-up crew on some kind of extended holiday?
From the "Seacouver Post-Intelligencer," Feb 1st:
Seacouver police are baffled by the latest development in a series of grisly homicides committed by the individual that the special homicide squad covering has dubbed 'The Headsman.'
Confused by eyewitness claims that have variously described a very young man of slight build, an older man of similar appearance, but with a large, hawk-like nose, and a tall, powerfully built man in his mid-thirties with long, dark hair, the police are further baffled to discover that the latest victim appears to have been already dead at the time of her beheading.
The victim had earlier died of a gunshot wound received at the hands of police while attempting to commit murder herself. Her formerly whole corpse disappeared from the county morgue several hours later, and reappeared, sans tete, in an alley near a rental hall in the International District.
Nim.
Garbage Report #2 -- 02/97
Whew!! Boy, I sure do hope all the stains come outta this. :::surveying ACME SUT rather dubiously::: This ducking behind dumpsters can get pretty old awfully fast; not to mention tobogganing down a muddy hillside in the park!
Anyhoo, I've continued my surveillance of my current case subject, Duncan MacLeod. Which isn't hard to do at all, believe thee me! Um. Yeah. Now, this doesn't really have much to do with garbage, per se . . . on the other hand, I'm going with info I found out on my first-ever dumpster dive and following up. So what should I call it? Well, have to wait to hear back from Prof. Karoly, anyway . . . will stick with calling it Garbage Report for now. 'Sides, this is on my lunch hour, gotta get cleaned up for tonight. You realize, of course, that you guys are seeing the roughs on these. I do clean 'em up for Prof. Karoly!! Including the stains.
Okay, so I ran a DMV search on that plate number I got -- and boy, don't you believe all those TV shows where the detectives always have a friend in the DMV!!! You wouldn't believe the hacking I hadda do!! If it hadn't of been for that guy who got a list from public records and posted 'em all on the web . . . anyway, I managed to get the info.
Duncan MacLeod is the subject's real name; and the man even looks good on his driver's license picture!!! Totally unreal -- but hey, who's complaining? (Note: Buy film for camera!!! Budget for blow-ups on any really good surveillance shots -- especially those long shots taken at night from that handy rooftop vantage point.) Not only that, he's been residing here for at least 15 years. And get this -- he used to be an antique dealer!! Well, that explains the auction catalogs . . . and maybe the money, he seems to keep his hand in the biz. He sure travels enough . . . but more of that later. Oh, a funny -- I was off on his weight, it's more like 175. Hey, the guy's got muscles, bulks a little larger, okay? You should see his shoulders! So I flubbed a little . . . it's not like I had a chance to pick him up and heft him for weight!! (Oh geeze -- the thoughts that brings to mind -- sorry. Must keep professionalism. As if I could; lift him, that is; on the other kind of pickup -- well, more on that later. [vbg])
I also did a thorough background check -- police reports/records, newspaper morgues, library microfiche, public access ftp files, yadda yadda yadda -- the usual mucking about until all the letters on your computer screen start blurring together. More pix -- this TV reporter a couple years ago seems to have had a crush on him, there was lots of video footage I managed to find, too. She seems to have disappeared, though; I called the station, tried to track her down -- no luck, she moved about three years ago, God only knows where. The jerk I talked to thought he had a sense of humor; he told me to try the casting department for the local production studio, or some such stupid idea. *sigh* Yeah, well . . . what can I say. We have our own assortment of fruits and nuts up here. Onward . . .
Police reports are amazing! The guy keeps popping up in all sorts of weird occurrences, but any suspicions just seem to slide right off of 'im. Not only that, but I finally found out what the mysterious Ryan looks like -- and his history -- geeze, the guy used to be a street punk and petty thief, and MacLeod takes him in, makes a useful citizen outta him . . . what, is MacLeod a philanthropist or something? I mean, why this particular kid? But that explains the manager job. Sorta. Although I still wonder where the hell Ryan is all the time, he hasn't turned up once! Not at work, anyway!
Then I was snooping around online in the wee hours, and saw this post someone local made about an article in our paper -- what, we've got ancient Babylonian/Sumerian/Akkadian or whatevers giving reports on odd news stories in local press or something on the Seacouver newsgroup? (Don't ask me, all those ancient civilizations give me a pip; keeping track of the Celts, my ancestors, is bad enough!) Weird, what people will get up to online . . . But seriously, I've gotta thank this Nimshubur, he or she. Interesting article, altho I don't understand the clean-up crew this Nim person made reference to . . . I mean, are they particularly fast or something? What the hell is 'quickening clean-up'??? And if they're so darned fast, what the heck is s/he griping about a holiday for? What does this have to do with a mysterious beheaded corpse? Most odd.
Anyway, the article started me on yet another track -- this MacLeod character seems to be connected to practically everything weird that I bump into!!! (Still no explanation of those three odd characters I saw roaming the streets the first time, though -- more on them later.) There've been a lot of headless corpses turning up all over Seacouver in the last five years or so -- and surprise, surprise, guess who's been on the periphery of practically every (unsolved!) local homicide involving headless people? You guessed it -- the subject, good ol' Duncan MacLeod!! (I clicked on the "tall, powerfully built man . . . long, dark hair" description in the article and checked out the homicide reports. Although they could have just said "most beautiful man you've ever seen" and I would've figured out who it was . . .)
And if it isn't him, guess who else? Aww, c'mon, take a guess!!! Yup -- Ryan!! I ain't even gonna go into the crazy reports about lightning storms on clear days -- what, do these people also believe in UFO's or something? I dunno how all that stuff got connected to these homicides, and then there's this FBI agent that seems awfully interested, he's been requesting all of the reports . . . weird name, 'Fox', kinda noticeable, bet I could find out why he wants this stuff . . . naahhh, forget it, let him handle it. Local dicks don't get involved with the FBI -- especially when you don't have your license yet!
Plus some other suspicious characters have been noticed wandering about at the same times these homicides have been occurring, like a frequent visitor's of MacLeod's; a guy with a beak you wouldn't believe, but finding out something on him gave me a lead on that J character, I think I know who he is. J, that is. Not the beaky guy. I just saw him driving away from MacLeod's the other day and he led me to this tavern called 'Joe's.' (Oy, real original name there . . .) Oh, yeah, and the Beak (hey, gotta call him something) sure sounds an awful lot like one of the others mentioned in that article, who has A Nose! Ditto a much younger man w/slight build -- guess how old and how wide this Ryan guy looks? Ans: Not very. Well, if I could thank whatever-they-are Nim, I would. But then, that would make me too conspicuous, sure as heck can't have that, now can we?
Wups, this is getting long, and look at the time -- gotta get something off to Karoly anyway, besides get ready for tonight . . . He seems awfully interested, and said I could do a special report!! I'm so excited -- I may graduate sooner than I thought I would! Of course, I'll still have to keep making payments every month for another year or so, but then I'll have a salary coming in with all these investigations I'll be doing . . .
More soon!
Monica
Student ID#0000000.01
(Note: While these appear to have been posted very early Sunday a.m., they were actually written on the day before, Saturday, at widely separated times. This discrepancy is due to unforeseeable circumstances and the imbibing hinted at, plus consequences. Keep this in mind while perusing these latest reports. Also, as the garbage assignment has escalated into a full-fledged investigation, the titles of the reports have reflected this change. They will now follow the title format seen below.)
Case Study & Surveillance Report DM3, 02/97:
Ooooooohhhhhhh, my head. Oh man can those guys drink . . . yeah, I went to that tavern last night. Uh, yesterday. It was yesterday, wasn't it? *ack* (Yeesh, ever notice how computer screens flicker? Zing, zing, zing, zing . . . gawd, my eyes . . .)
Well, the last report only covered what I'd been able to find out the day after my inadvertent . . . I mean, my first-ever trash dash. Dumpster dive. Whatevers. That was -- damn, when was that? Oh, yeah. Wedne-Wednesday? Ok, think back now; fall -- I mean, search the dumpster Wednesday, research on Thursday, tail Friday a.m., write up second report after gobbling lunch, then intensive clean-up efforts and spackling of self in preparation for evening . . . Ok, yeah, it was yesterday I went to the tavern. Friday.
Well, um -- lessee -- oh yeah! So, on Friday I reluctantly got up at a gawdawful hour of the a.m. - something like 4:30 a.m. - and go to maunder around the subject's residence. Colder than a brass monkey out there, but discovered another little tidbit about MacLeod. The man is totally insane. Cute, but insane. Here it is, 5:30 a.m., and instead of staying in a warm bed (so I can sit comfortably in my car and drink my nice hot tea from the local Burgerville -- hey, they're a NW chain only -- as their slogan goes, "Inconveniently located for the rest of the country."* Gotta support locally-owned businesses, you know, screw MacWhosis's arches) -- anyway, does MacLeod sleep in like a sensible person? (Especially as he doesn't seem to need to work that beautiful tail off earning all those $$$ he keeps spending.) NO, this maniac drives to the park and goes running!! Gaaahhhhhh. You ever tried tailing a runner who can go twice as fast as you can at a slow pace -- for him, that is, I was trying to go flat out; so sue me, I'm short and slow -- IN A TRENCHCOAT?!! It's a right royal pain in the- Well, you get the picture. Not to mention that the park was almost totally deserted. And there I am, noisily flapping around in an oversized camo trenchcoat, looking like a lost bat learning to fly who had already suffered an unfortunate close encounter with a bunch of paintball enthusiasts. Real undercover, yah.
Then said idiot -- MacLeod, not me, although that's debatable -- goes tootling off down a 1-in-5 slope that some other maniac had laid out as part of the park's trail system. And good ol' Monica, of course, being totally wiped (plus having fallen far behind from a) said speed, or lack of it, and b) trying to maintain a decent enough distance not to be noticed by subject while tailing 'inconspicuously' -- the above-mentioned flapping, y'know) -- anyway, I figured it was time to take a shortcut. I mean, why go back and forth through all those switchbacks the trail took? Go boldly forth from point A to point B, do not pass Go, do not lose the subject. Yah. Besides, hey, I'm a NW native, I'm used to mud. What's a little mud on a steep hillside? There are trees to grab . . .
* = Note from Real Life -- this is Burgerville's real slogan, and they are a real fast-food chain way up here in the Pacific NW. I'm just mentioning it for verisimilitude. Hey, I should use Burger King when we have a perfectly good NW chain with a really neat slogan that fits our attitude up here??
(Read this one already? Want to see the next ones instead?
Here are the second and third stories in the series.)
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