See Prologue (A) for Disclaimers

During the day they journeyed through woods and across plains.  Both men were constantly gentle, solicitous, anxious for her welfare.  Miren was unaccustomed to such attentions, and she had no real idea how to handle it or how to respond.  Her emotions were a tangle she had never known before.  Since childhood she had learned, either on her own or at the instruction of the other women, that neither tears nor hopes were of any use.  Kindness was something given sparingly, at a price when it came from the warriors, and sometimes the same when it came from another slave.

The only time she had known true compassion, as she had told Tao, had been when he and Aleye were in the camp.  It had confused her then, as had the unfamiliar emotions that arose in return, echoing the kindness displayed. Truth be told, that had been the first step in giving her the strength to escape.  But even those months had not prepared her for this.

Dar reminded her strongly of the Terron warriors, not by actions but by the simple fact of how he dressed and moved.  His body was well-formed, but Miren was accustomed to seeing muscles, and feeling their use for ill.  He had a catlike grace that no Terron shared, but she knew a dangerous man when she saw one -- and yet he was as gentle as Tao, and as kind.  He spoke softly to her, his voice soothing in a way she had rarely heard from a man unless he wanted something, but there was none of that cajoling tone.  Rather, it was as if he were speaking to a frightened child or one of his animals.  She wasn't certain how to take that either, until she noticed that he spoke the same way to Tao.  It was simply his way, she realized: quiet, soft, nothing unnecessary, no energy wasted.  It was such a conflict of ideals that Miren had difficulty coming to terms with it.

Tao, on the other hand, was far easier to accustom herself to, simply due to past acquaintance.  But he was no less of a mystery to her.  He hadn't changed since she had known him in the camp, except perhaps to be more given to smiles and laughter.  He spent their walking hours alternating between inquiring how she felt, offering her water or food, and asking riddles.  She remembered a few of them from the camp, when he would try so hard to distract himself from Aleye's absence, but some of them she had never heard before.  They made her think, something she found she did rather well outside of the needs for survival that had occupied her thoughts while she planned her escape, and his smile at each of her answers brought a strange warmth to her belly.

When Tao's smiles started fading a week into their journey, Miren knew something was wrong.  It took a little longer, but Dar noticed it as well.  It wasn't until a few nights after that realization that they began to get a clue what was going on.  During the nights, strangely enough, it was Tao and not Miren who suffered nightmares.

The dreams had begun the second night after they found Miren, consisting only of vague images and impressions, as if seen through a screen in his mind.  They faded immediately upon waking and Tao shook them off, but they returned the next night and the next, slowly growing in clarity.  The memories he had hoped to chase off by bringing them to mind in daylight hours had been unsatisfied with their airing.

Aleye.

The Terron camp.

The nights and sometimes days when she would be taken by one of the warriors.  Not knowing exactly what was happening, only guessing and fearing from the expressions on the faces of the other slaves.  Being unable to do anything to help or to stop the warriors, or Aleye's determination to protect others.  To protect him.

He saw her face, streaked with silent tears.  He saw her dark eyes filled with pain.  He saw her body floating on the water.  He saw them throwing it on the ground like a worthless bit of driftwood.  He turned her over in the dream as he had in life and saw her face again, skin slick with water, her eyes open and staring.  He tried to breathe life into her lungs and pulled back to find those dead eyes fixed on him, her blue lips opening to accuse him, tell him that he could have saved her if he had just tried . . .

Always the same accusation, though the settings were different.  Sometimes it was her drowning, where he tried to change things by diving in after her but she grabbed him, her eyes already dead as she pulled him down, down into the deep of the water where he couldn't breathe.  Sometimes it was in the tents as his imagination provided images of what had been done to her and the warrior laughed.

The dreams grew to enough intensity to wake Tao one night with a stifled cry.  Dar had woken also and turned to him in concern.  Tao's eyes were wide and haunted, but he waved away Dar's concern and turned his back to return to sleep.  But he didn't; Dar could tell by the way his breathing never eased.  A glance at Miren showed that she had also wakened.  Their eyes met for a moment, a look of shared concern passing between them, but there were walls to her gaze.  

Dar asked Miren her opinion the next day, while Tao was gathering more water.  Very little showed in Miren's eyes or face.  She had learned to shield her thoughts a long time ago.  But nevertheless, she guessed what Tao dreamed.  Tao also guessed, for the dreams, despite their intensity, faded quickly from his waking mind.  All he could remember in them was the sense of frustration, grief, anger . . . and fear.  Always fear.  It was part and parcel of life among the Terrons for anyone who was not a warrior.

His sleep was filled with such dreams, so that he awoke in the middle of the night and slept fitfully after, never gaining enough rest.  His energy waned and he found himself unable to focus on much more on the daytime journeys than Miren's comfort and placing one foot ahead of the next.  The world existed in a haze, but he wouldn't tell Dar about it when the BeastMaster asked, his hazel eyes dark with concern.  Tao just waved it off and joked weakly that he was out of shape.  Dar didn't buy it, but Tao couldn't bring himself to care.  More and more, his soul hurt, as all the doubts and grief he had suppressed came back to chase him.

"It's not only a child I carry," Miren said quietly, looking down the slope to where Tao knelt by the stream.  "It's memories.  I remind him of things best left forgotten."

Dar sighed; he had guessed much the same thing.  "We all have ghosts," he answered, remembering his own nightmares when his people had died, and after he and Kyra were reunited so briefly.  "I just wish he would  talk to me."  He chuckled humorlessly.  "That's never been a problem before, getting him to talk."

Miren smiled slightly in agreement.  Tao had grown more and more quiet, and she missed his chatter that made her smile and think.  Her eyes softened as she thought on the tales he had told her as they walked.  "He wants to appear strong to you," she said after a moment.  "You are . . . well, a warrior.  A dangerous man.  Nothing like him.  He speaks so highly of your abilities, and after the Terrons and the things he says you've seen and done in your journeys together . . .  I think he believes that if he admits to these dreams and to the things he feels, that you'll think him weak and afraid.  That you won't respect him."

"Courage comes from fighting fear," Dar said softly.  "Tao has done that more times than I can count.  And his strength is his mind: his cleverness has saved us more than once.  He never seems weak to me.  He knows that."

"There is a difference between knowing something in your mind, Dar, and knowing it in your heart."

Miren's eyes met his, far older than they should have been.  Dar wondered what she knew in her mind that her heart so refused to accept.  But then Tao started back up the slope and he turned to face his friend.  Tao gave them a smile that for a moment didn't seem forced; Dar returned it and tried to reassure himself.  Tao's dreams would fade and everything would be all right.

As if to prove Dar wrong, Tao's dreams grew worse over the next three nights.  Dar woke on the eleventh night of their journey to the sound of his friend crying out in his sleep, his voice hoarse as he begged for mercy, for an end.  Dar sat up and was on his feet instantly, crossing the short distance to where Tao lay, thrashing, struggling in his sleep.  He knelt to wake him, but Miren stopped him with a word.  "No," she said, her voice commanding.  She stood and went to kneel on Tao's other side.  "The kind of dream he's in, the last thing he needs is hands on him."

Dar started to ask how she knew, but stopped before the words were much past his throat.  Of course she knew.  He swallowed hard, concern for his friend making his jaw clench, and she murmured, "I will wake him.  I have more experience with this.  Go back to your rest."  Dar started to protest, but she gave him a look.  "He wouldn't speak to you of these dreams.  Do you think he will react well to you standing over him when he wakens?"

Dar looked down at his friend and again his jaw clenched.  "I will do as you say," he murmured, knowing she was right, and hating it.  "This time."

He stood, reluctantly, and headed back to his bed-roll.  But he lay down facing them, unwilling to let Tao from his sight.

~*~*~*~

Tao stood in the corner of the hut of the big warrior from their first night in the camp, the one who had looked at him so hungrily.  Ertal was his name.  The warrior was on the sleeping furs, his hands cruel, Aleye's face twisted with pain.  And then, in the manner of dreams, suddenly Aleye was standing next to Tao.  She grabbed him, her eyes hard and accusing.

"I died for you," she said harshly.  "I suffered through this for you.  Now it's your turn.  You let me die, now you'll take my place."

She pushed him forward over his protests, and then Ertal's hands were on him, pushing him down onto the sleeping furs and Tao found himself without clothes, as on that first night after the lake.  He struggled but Ertal merely hit him, then threw him down again, his hands rough as he grabbed and demanded and took.

Aleye stood where Tao had stood, in the corner, her face a blank mask.  She did nothing, as he had done nothing; watched, as he had watched.

And oh gods but there was pain, so much pain . . . and Ertal just laughed and grunted and used him and wouldn't stop, wouldn't give even the mercy of death that Tao found himself begging for, as others had begged, as Aleye and Miren must have begged . . .

"Shh, it's all right, you're not there.  It can't hurt you."

The voice filtered through the dark veil of the dream, but not enough.  He couldn't focus when it hurt and gods, oh gods, it hurt.  But he deserved it.  Deserved it for letting her die, for doing nothing . . .  He said it aloud and Ertal laughed and said he was right.

"No.  No, Tao.  Wake up now.  Follow my voice, come back to waking.  Come on, come back . . ."

The voice was so gentle, so sweet and he seemed to remember it.  As if that recognition called it, Tao saw her in the doorway.  She was slender as a reed, no child in her womb now, as young as she had seemed that first night they met.  Brown hair in a single braid the curled against her shoulder, her child-eyes soft and sad and far too wise.  Aleye still stood in the corner, unmoving.

Tao whispered the girl's name, fighting past the pain to try to warn her away.  But it was too late, Ertal saw her and with one last, vicious thrust pulled himself up and started towards her.  Tao cried out, refusing to let him hurt her too, as he knew Ertal had, must have.  He fought to sit up, to stand, to throw himself at the monster and keep him away.

Ertal knocked him back with a single blow, but Tao got up and went after him again, willing to die to stop him from touching her ever again . . .

Tao came awake with a ragged cry, soaked through with fear-sweat, his eyes wild as he fought the dream, tried to strike out at Ertal.  His fists missed and that same soft, gentle voice came, solid in his ears now.

"Hush, hush . . . shhh . . .  It's all right, Tao!   It's all right, it's done, over and done . . .  You're awake, he can't hurt you."

Tao blinked furiously, the dream dissipating to show him the campsite.  Not Ertal's hut, or even the Terron camp, but small and simple and  free.  His eyes took that in and then went to the figure kneeling beside him, her eyes shadowed by the firelight, but still somehow conveying that gentleness that had woken him.  He blinked, his breathing still harsh, and whispered, "Miren?"

Miren nodded and gave him a small smile.  "Yes.  Are you awake?"

Tao swallowed and nodded.  "Yes," he said shakily.  This time he could remember some of the images from the dream, the fear and pain, and that last powerful need to fight off Ertal . . .  His eyes widened and he sat up abruptly.  "Gods -- Miren, did I hurt you!?"

His hands went instantly to try to check her over, touched her arms and her rounded belly.  Miren blinked in surprise, then smiled and placed a hand on his chest, urging him to lie back down.  "No, sweet one," she murmured.  "You didn't hurt me.  You struck out, but it's hard to fight in the midst of sleep.  Now, hush.  Hush," she repeated as he tried to speak.  "You've been dreaming these dreams for too long.  You need rest."

Tao let her push him back down, suddenly feeling all the weariness that had built up.  More and more over the past week he had been feeling this way.  But now he was depriving her of rest as well.  A thought came to him and he looked over to Dar, suddenly afraid.  The BeastMaster lay quietly on his side, facing them, but his eyes were closed.  Tao was too dazed to notice that the warrior's breathing was not slow and even, as it would have been had he been asleep.  He looked at Miren and shook his head.  "I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to wake--"

Miren tchk-ed at him quietly.  "You didn't," she lied.  "I couldn't sleep."

There was a moment's hesitation, then she stretched out beside him, moving so that her shoulders were just above his head.  She placed her nearer hand under his head and lifted to settle it on her breast, like a mother with her child.  Tao tried to resist, but the pressure of her hand and a small "Hush," made it clear she meant it.  "I remember," he murmured, too tired to really think about where his head lay.  "I remember you doing this . . . that night after Aleye died.  You told me . . . it wasn't my fault . . . and then . . ."

Miren tried to control the way her heart suddenly jumped in her chest.  "And then I kissed you," she murmured back.  "It was the first time I'd ever done that, willingly . . .  You were so lost, so hurt inside, and I couldn't think of what else to do."

Tao smiled slightly, sleep already winging towards his too-weary body and mind as he breathed in her scent.  He remembered the feel of her that night.  Her lips had been gentle on his own, and her hands had stroked his face so gently before combing through his hair.  She had been warm and soft, and comforting in a maternal way that should not have been possible for one her age.  And yet there had been no sense of her age or prettiness, nor his shyness around most women.  He had been so very weary and heart-sore, and her kiss and embrace had been accepting and reassuring, easing his heart and soul if only for a time.

"And then you pulled me down . . . and held me," he continued drowsily.  "Just held me . . . 'til I fell asleep."  Nothing more was permitted by the Terrons than that touch, but it was all he needed or desired, as it was now.

Miren smiled, her heart hurting in an oddly nice way.  "Hush now," she whispered.  "Hush and sleep."  She combed her fingers through his short hair as she had done that night, her other hand stroking soothingly along his arm as he turned more towards her.  His head made a gentle weight on her breast, his breath warm through the fabric of her dress.  She sighed as she felt him slowly relaxing into sleep, then looked over at Dar.

The BeastMaster's eyes were open now.  Miren gave him a small smile and nodded.  Dar's eyes still showed concern, and something of surprise since their conversation had been too soft for him to hear, but he smiled back, just as slight.  "Sleep," she mouthed at him.  Dar chuckled quietly and nodded, then finally let himself do just that.

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