Welcome to PACK.

Pets Against Cruel Keepers.

Hi there pet,

We don't mind if you are a dog, a cat, a horse, or a bird, or any animal. You are welcome to join our new club. Come and join the PACK. That stands for Pets Against Cruel Keepers, and we aim to stamp out all unfair treatment of us so called, "dumb" animals. Why not write and tell us some of the strange things your human has done, and we can all have a good laugh at them for a change.

Human’s are stupid, that’s a well known fact in the animal kingdom. But, despite their many faults, we cats, dogs, horses, birds, etc., do love them, and rely on them for our comfort, and our well being. And mostly, they reward us well for our love and loyalty. Take me for example: My name is Jasper. I am an 11 year old cat, and I own a human called Mandy, who treats me like I’m something special. She gives me all the love I could want, all the food I can eat, and a warm place to sleep. What more could I ask for? My friend, Pirate the dog, owns a human called Patrish, and he feels the same way about her, as I do about my human, but every once in a while, they do something that will drive us crazy! Over the next few months, Pirate and me will be examining some of the strange and cute things that humans do. Why not come and join us. Pick up some tips on things like: Training your human to get the best from them. How to trick your human out of taking you to the vets. Learn how to put on that special "it wasn’t me," look on your face. Plus many more. Why not e-mail Jasper and Pirate with funny stories about your human, and send us some photos of yourself to include on our site. We especially want those cute, embarrassing photos that humans take of us, so that we can join together in animal unity, and sympathy for each other, and in the process, hopefully make humans see things our way.

For this month, Pirate and me have decided to cover our pet peeves. This is a list of demands that we have presented to our humans in the hope of a better life, and to make them paw the line. If you agree with this list, or have any more to add to it, just e-mail us with your thoughts and ideas. Remember, this is a pets only site. Your human will never get to read your true thoughts, so feel free to bark, meow, whinny, or crow your thoughts, without fear of getting caught, or being punished.

Until next month, licks and wags from Pirate,
And licks and purrs from me, Jasper.

PACK Pet Peeves.

1) No more castration. - Provide pet condoms.

2) No more flea sprays. - Provide beef scented bubble bath.

3) No more being thrown outside in the freezing cold to pee. - Provide an indoor bathroom for me.

4) No more big needles shoved up my butt. - Pills only from now on.

5) No more cold, or rubber-gloved hands from the vet. - Make him warm them first.

6) No more shouting at me for licking my privates in public. - Don't knock it till you've tried it.

7) No more poverty. - Give us a large increase in our allowance, so that we can take our dates to dine in the better alleys.

8) No more shouting at us for sitting on the furniture. - It's our home too.

9) No more pushing us away until you have more time. - Give us all the ear scratches, back rubs, and belly tickles that we demand.

10) No more low-grade canned pet food, or leftovers. - Thick juicy steaks from now on.

11) No more giving us stupid, embarrassing names. - Call us Fred or Rambo, not fluffy or dinky.

12) No more stupid baby voice when you talk to us. - We are not idiots.

13) No more swooning over the humans who appear on that strange talking box that you keep in the corner of the room. - Swoon over us instead.

14) No more sending us away to live with strangers in those horrible cages, while you play in the sun for two weeks. - Take us with you.

15) No more squiggley lines, or paint splashes behind panes of glass. This is not art. - Pictures of us only from now on.

16) No more forcing us to wear sissy clothes, or bows in our fur. - Designer labels only. Diamond studded collars are acceptable.

17) No more complaining about our bad breath. - We don't have the luxury of toothpaste like you do, yet first thing in the morning, your breath could curdle milk!!!

18) No more forcing us to do stupid pet tricks. - As the so called, "superior being" in this relationship, it's up to you to amuse us.

19) No more parading us around in pet beauty shows. - We are not cheap whores.

20) No more renting us out to stud. - We do all the work, why should you get the money?

21) No more blaming us where there's suddenly a bad smell in the room. - It's time to take responsibility for your own bottom coughs.

22) No more blaming us when things mysteriously get knocked over and broken. - It's not our fault that your Arse in the size of Canada.

23) No more telling of those "cute" things we did when we were young. - No one but you cares that I once ate my own poo, confusing it for a slice of your home made chocolate log. (With your cooking, I couldn't tell the difference anyway.)

24) No more complaining when we get car sick. - Learn to drive, you maniacs!!!

25) No more "assuming" that it was us who left teeth marks in the furniture. - Remember what you did with that last strange human who visited?

26) No more blushing when our tongues hang out and we pant. - We aren't coming on to you.

27) No more palming us off with those cheap, squeaky rubber toys. - We want the same toys that you play with. You know the ones I mean? Those nice battery operated sausage shaped ones that get you so excited, that you scream out to God?

28) No more whining when we sniff each others butts. - We don't complain when you humans sniff each others naked laps!

29) No more "ugh" noises when we lick your face. - After some of the places I've seen you humans put your tongues, you've no right to worry about how clean ours are!

30) No more hysterical screeching when we bring friends home with us, either to eat dinner, or to be eaten as dinner. We don't say anything when your friends come to dine, not even when they start trying to eat your tongue, or suck your face off.

31) No more tut-tutting at the slurping noises we make when we eat, or drink. - You should hear the sounds you make when your doing that face sucking, spit swallowing thing that you do with your mates.

32) And finally, a special plea for Donkey's everywhere: No more saying, "Would you like to kiss my Donkey?" Donkey's are sick of it and..... Oh no, wait a minute. My mistake. It's "Would you like to kiss my Ass?" Sorry about the confusion.

If any of the above sounds familiar to you, come and join the PACK. And don't forget to e-mail us,

Jasper & Pirate.

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