The Family
My Parents died when I was quite young, but that doesn’t stop me from knowing what other families are like. Why? Because most people never stop talking, (moaning,) about theirs. I hear some wonderfully funny stories about what it’s like to be part of the every-day, typical British family. The following poem should sound familiar to you, if you are at all typical. These are just some of the things I’ve overheard parents and their teenage kids talking about. If you have a funny story about your family that I could turn into a poem for you, let me know.
The Family.
By Amanda Jay Clark.
For goodness sake,
Mum, stop nagging.
I’ll get round to it in time.
For now, I just want to enjoy myself,
While I’m young and still in my prime.
There’ll be plenty of time in the future,
When I’m wrinkled, with a grey hair, or two.
When my figure’s gone all soft, and flabby,
And I’m a replica of you.
Aah, Mum, do I have
to?
I do wish you’d change your tune.
It can’t be time for a bath again,
I only had one three weeks last June.
There’s nothing wrong with the smell of sweat,
It’s a good, strong, manly scent.
You may not always know where I am going,
But you can always be glad that I went.
What do you mean, my
room is a mess, Mum?
It’s exactly how I like it to be.
Like this, I know where everything is,
Will you please stop picking on me!
If I make it all clean and tidy,
And put all my clothes away,
It’ll take me a month to find anything,
And I’ll have much less time to play.
Why do I have to do my
homework, Mum?
I don’t care if my grade average is low.
I’m not interested in History, or Mathematics,
I know all a teenager needs to know.
My teachers don’t know what they’re doing,
You should hear the dull things that they say.
They’ve no idea what we teenagers need,
They were never young themselves, were they!
What’s all this
healthy stuff in the fridge, Mum?
Where’re the burgers, the chips, and the cheese?
Can I have a cream cake instead of yoghurt?
I’m too young to worry about heart disease.
Do I have to eat all of my broccoli?
Couldn’t I just have more pizza instead?
I’m tired of fresh fruit and salad,
My mouth thinks my taste buds are dead.
Why do I have to put
petrol in the car, Dad?
I only drove it six times last week.
What do you mean, it’s my turn to clean it?
It’s your car. What a damn awful cheek!
Can I borrow the keys tonight, Dad?
I’ve got some serious courting in mind.
I’ll get him to pay for the petrol,
And then I’ll pay him back in kind.
I want to be a chip
off the old block, Dad.
Will you buy me a packet of three?
Just to be safe, make sure that they’re extra large,
So that she’ll be well impressed with me.
I’m gonna be as good as you are, Dad,
Cos that’s the kind of son that I am.
But, will you help me to learn what I’m supposed to do,
By drawing me a diagram?
Don’t make me
turn my music down, Dad,
It helps me to concentrate.
I need the thud, and the boom, as you call it,
For the mood I’m trying to create.
If I listened to your kind of music,
I’d go from happy, to feeling blue.
It just doesn’t do anything for me.
Well heck, look what it’s done for you!
Can you lend me £100,
Dad?
There’s something that I can’t live without.
My pocket money doesn’t stretch far enough,
Of that there can be no doubt.
Yes, I know I still owe you money,
From the last time you gave me a loan,
But I can’t be the only kid not to buy one,
Or I’ll be out in the cold on my own.
Of course I have to wear this much make-up, Dad.
Can’t go out there looking rough.
I want someone rich, and sexy,
And the competition is tough.
You don’t want me to end up an old maid, do you?
Not if you want grandchildren on your knee.
Well, if I don’t make every effort now,
All I’ll end up with, is me!
The Family, is protected by copyright, and remains the property of the author, Amanda Jay Clark.