That night, when Sirius climbed the stairs to the dormitory, he could hear the others still chattering away. He drew a deep breath and pushed the door open.
“And what have you been up to, Sirius?” James asked the instant he saw him.
“Just walking Joe back to Ravenclaw Tower.”
“You’ve been gone over an hour!” Peter said.
“Well, we were…,” Sirius faltered and swore at Peter under his breath, “chatting…on the way.”
“Like when you went off by yourselves in Hogsmeade?” James asked with a smirk that left Sirius feeling even more uncomfortable.
“Yes,” he replied coldly, and grabbing a pair of pyjama bottoms, he hurried off to the bathroom to get ready for bed in peace.
As he closed the door behind him, he heard the others begin to talk in hushed voices. Had they decided that he’d been through enough? He hoped so; if he didn’t have to see Joe again, then he wouldn’t have to feel like this.
He couldn’t get over the fact that he had done things with another boy. Not only done unmentionables, but enjoyed them, too. He couldn’t bear for the others to know this; he didn’t want to be seen by them as an effeminate poofter. He wasn’t, was he? Sirius groaned as he pulled on his pyjamas; it was all so confusing. Why did he have to like it?
The whispered conversation had ended by the time he returned to the bedroom, leaving an awkward silence in its wake. Without saying a word to the others, he got straight into bed and pulled his curtains closed.
**
Sirius let himself become hypnotised by Peter’s hands as they shuffled the pack of Exploding Snap cards. He was going to have to do it: get up and leave—tell them where he was going.
They had all slept in that morning, with
nobody stirring until midday, and the afternoon had been spent poring over
books in the library, finishing the homework that was due on Monday. Once dinner was over, they had headed back to
the dormitory to play a few games of cards.
Not one word had been said about Joe all day. Now, it was time for Sirius to go and meet
him, and he had no choice but to bring up the subject. Nervously, he cleared his throat and grabbed
his shoes from under the bed.
“Don’t deal me in, this time, Peter.”
“Where are you going?” James asked.
“My boyfriend wants me to meet him,” Sirius said sourly, and James began to snigger, prompting Peter to join in.
“You can’t dump him yet, Padfoot,” James said with a smirk. “You’ve got to keep going for at least a couple of weeks.”
Sirius’s jaw dropped. Two weeks? At least? I can’t do it, he thought. Not without them knowing that I like it; it’s just not possible. Fuck it. I’m a poof and they’re going to find out. Fucking fuck it. Grabbing his jacket, Sirius glared angrily at James.
“Fine,” he snapped. “Turn me into a fucking queer, then.”
James chuckled. “Are you sure you’re not already?”
This was the last straw for Sirius; he
didn’t need a wand to be able to vent his frustrations on James. Sirius charged across the dormitory, letting
out a growl of annoyance and raising his fist ready to wipe that smug look from
James’s face.
“Enough!” Remus shouted as he lunged in front of Sirius to block his path. “James, Peter, can you clear off for a while? I want to talk to Sirius.”
Looking shocked and saying nothing, James and Peter both stalked out of the room, leaving Sirius and Remus alone.
“Bloody wanker,” Sirius muttered as the door closed. “Why does he have to be such an arse?”
“Possibly because you lied to him.”
“Lied? What do you mean?”
“We know where you went with Joe last night.”
“What?” Sirius spluttered. “How the… Did that bastard follow me?”
“No. We saw you on the map. James wanted to go up and see what you were doing, but I persuaded him not to.”
Sirius sat down, letting out a shaky
breath. Then they knew already. They knew
he had been doing poofy things with Joe.
It no longer mattered that they expected him and Joe to carrying on
seeing each other: there was nothing for him to hide anymore; it had all come
out anyway. On their next date—tonight—Sirius
could do things with Joe, enjoy doing
those things and…not feel guilty.
“Ignore James,” Remus said. “You can stop seeing Joe.”
Sirius gaped at Remus, stunned. Having found out he was queer, this was Remus’s answer? Shaking his head in disbelief, Sirius let out
a bitter laugh. So, it was all right for
him to be forced into the situation in jest, but now that he had been outed,
Remus suddenly didn’t want him anywhere near Joe. And after all that Remus had said in defence
of Podmore and Croaker…
“Did you hear me, Sirius?”
“Yes, I bloody well heard you,” Sirius spat. “So that’s it, is it? You don’t like it, so you just want it to stop, huh? You’re a fucking hypocrite! And you had the bloody cheek to tell me not to be homophobic.”
“Don’t you dare call me a hypocrite, Sirius
Black!” Remus immediately snapped back.
“I’ve seen what Joe’s like, and there’s no way he wouldn’t have at least
tried something with you. Going by how homo-fucking-phobic you were
before, I was surprised that you haven’t started railing about Joe coming on to
you. But I guess you didn’t mind as much
as you made out in the first place.”
“Fuck you.”
Sirius stormed out of the room and down the stairs, glaring at James and Peter on his way past them in the common room. If they had any ideas about following him, then they would be in for one hell of an argument.
**
By the time Sirius had made it to the Prefect’s bathroom, Joe was already waiting patiently in the hall.
“Sorry I’m late,” Sirius said, running his hands through his hair in agitation and trying to give Joe an apologetic smile.
Joe leant close to the door on his left, muttered, “Citrus-sweet” and it swung inwards with a creak. “You look really pissed off,” he said as he followed Sirius into the bathroom. Joe knelt down at one end of a swimming-pool sized bath and turned on several golden taps, out of which streamed bubbles and warm, frothy water. “What’s up?”
“Got into an argument with Remus.”
Sirius gazed around the huge room in awe. Everything was made of white marble, there was a large pile of fluffy white towels in one corner, and it was all lit with a soft glow from the candle-filled chandelier. He couldn’t believe that Remus had never shared any of this with his roommates.
“What about?” Joe asked, stepping closer and wrapping his arms around Sirius’s waist, then sliding a hand down the back of Sirius’s jeans to firmly squeeze his arse.
“Huh?”
“I said ‘what was the argument about?’”
“Oh, it’s not important,” Sirius said distractedly, and he leaned forwards to kiss Joe. For the first time, Sirius was able to take this at his own pace, rather than letting it become a frantic free-for-all that was underlined with guilt. He could savour the feel of their lips connecting; he could wilfully tease out Joe’s tongue; he could slide his hands over Joe’s body and focus on how it really felt. He could enjoy it—enjoy it without worrying about how wrong it was.
Joe broke the kiss and moved his hands to
the front of Sirius’s trousers. “Going
by the look on your face, I’d say it definitely was important. Come on, spit it out.”
Sirius answered with a sigh and said, “It was about you.” Joe’s movements halted, his fingers pausing in mid-air by the zipper to Sirius’s jeans, and he looked up questioningly. “I don’t want to talk about it,” Sirius added.
Before Joe could ask anything else, Sirius caught his mouth for a second kiss. Cradling Joe’s head in his hands, he kept kissing and kissing, hoping that they could just stop talking for the rest of the evening, that he could forget those things that Remus had said. Feeling Joe push his trousers over his hips and shove them down to the floor, Sirius slipped off his shoes and stepped out of his jeans. Then Joe was tugging at his t-shirt, trying to pull it over his head, and Sirius had to break the connection.
“Does he want you to stop seeing me?” Joe asked as he dropped the shirt to the floor and skirted his fingers across Sirius’s chest.
Sirius nodded and kissed Joe again, reaching down to help unbuckle Joe’s trousers. Within seconds, Joe had kicked them off. Pulling away from Sirius, Joe knelt down to turn off the taps.
“But you’re here, anyway,” Joe pointed out, and he lowered himself into the water.
“Yeah.” Sirius gave a small smile and joined Joe in the bath, pulling him close and pressing up against his warm, naked, body. The sound of very feminine giggle startled him, and he automatically jumped away from Joe, looking around in panic for whoever had walked in on them.
“It’s okay; it’s just a portrait,” Joe said, pointing to a picture of a mermaid on the wall. He closed the gap between them and kissed his way up Sirius’s neck. Sirius remained rigid, seeing the mermaid watching them intently, feeling Joe’s lips curl into a grin against his skin. “She never tells. I would’ve been in trouble a long time ago if she did.”
Reaching round Sirius, Joe turned one of the many taps. A thick, pinkish liquid poured from it and he caught some in his hands.
“Liquid soap,” he said, rubbing his hands together to work up a lather. He fanned them out across Sirius’s shoulders, rubbing them in small circles, working down his arms, and back up his chest, flicking at Sirius’s nipples on the way. “The tap next to it has oil. Stinks of lavender, mind, but it’s okay to use.”
Sirius didn’t understand why Joe had felt it necessary to divulge that particular information about the lavender oil, but at that moment, Sirius couldn’t really care, not when Joe was working his way across Sirius’s body to clean every last inch that was above the surface of the water. Sirius let out a contented moan and drew Joe in for a heated kiss, scooping some of the lather from Joe’s hands and working it into the skin of Joe’s back, sliding his palms across Joe’s skin, rubbing at the outlines of muscle, drifting over the angled edges of bone.
“Mmm, you are so….” Joe groaned as Sirius ground their cocks together underneath the water. “So different tonight. Having Remus rile you up has a wonderful effect on you.”
Sirius grunted at the name and latched onto Joe’s collarbone with his mouth, sliding his foamy hands under the surface and over Joe’s arse. He had never directly touched it before, and he could imagine what Remus would say if he knew where Sirius’s hands were. His hands slid lower, the tips of his fingers brushing along the tops of Joe’s thighs.
“Sirius…” Joe moaned, dragging them both to where he could reach the plug, then pulling it out until the water level had dropped to half-way down their thighs. He helped himself to more soap and told Sirius to turn around.
Joe’s soapy hands glided over Sirius’s arse, massaging him, slipping further inwards, his fingers running up and down the crease, and Sirius grabbed the edge of the bath for support, his eyes widening in shock. Then a finger was pressing against him, pushing its way inside of him. He clenched his muscles.
“I…I’m not sure I like that…” he stuttered. Joe’s finger retreated, and he splashed water across Sirius’s arse, rinsing the bubbles from his skin.
Joe breathed warm air across his neck. “Get on your hands and knees on those towels; I’ll do something that I promise you’ll love.”
Sirius clambered out of the bath and knelt down, feeling awkward all of a sudden that Joe had yet again lured him into unknown territory. He felt Joe come up behind him and place his hands across Sirius’s arse once more, fingers ghosting inwards and then pulling at the skin, stretching him wide open. Something wet slid its way from the base of his balls upwards, ending in a small circle over his arsehole. Sirius could make a pretty good guess what it was. He shivered.
“Did you just…?” Sirius asked, not wanting to finish the question, not sure if he really wanted Joe to confirm the answer.
“Yep,” Joe said blithely before placing soft kisses across his arse cheeks. “It’s okay, Sirius: you’re clean. So don’t think about it, just feel.”
And then Joe’s face was buried against his arse, tongue moving in broad sweeps first on one side and then the other. Breathing deeply, Sirius braced himself and screwed his eyes shut tight, wondering how anyone could consider getting that close to his arse. The tongue slipped back to his entrance, moving in small circles before pushing inwards just as that finger had done. He let out a soft mewl and instinctively ground himself backwards.
Sirius couldn’t believe that Joe actually had his tongue inside him. But more than that, Sirius couldn’t believe that it felt so good, that he wanted more. He groaned and sunk down to his elbows, spreading his legs further apart. The tongue sunk in more deeply, then out again, another circle, then in once more. In and out, in and out, and Sirius began to rock against it, groaning heavily, his cock throbbing underneath him.
Cold air hit his moistened skin as Joe moved away, and Sirius let out a whine of disappointment. Joe chuckled and started to kiss his way up Sirius’s back, his cock nestling against Sirius’s arse. Sirius twitched his hips, enjoying the way Joe’s cock rubbed against his sensitive flesh.
Once Joe had kissed all the way up Sirius’s spine, covering Sirius’s body with his own, pressing the length of his cock firmly between Sirius’s arse cheeks, he blew against Sirius’s neck and whispered, “I want to fuck you, Sirius.”
Oh.... Suddenly Sirius realised
how far Joe was intending to take things that evening: he wanted to shag Sirius.
Joe wanted to put his cock there.
“We can take it slowly,” Joe said, in between planting kisses across the tops of Sirius’s shoulders. “But we don’t have to do this at all… not if… not if you think it would make things more awkward between you and Remus…”
At the mention of Remus, Sirius tensed. He could imagine what Remus would have to say on the matter. “Remus can go fuck himself for all I care,” Sirius spat, feeling rebellious and boldly rubbing his arse up against Joe’s cock. “I… I want you to. Fuck what Remus thinks.”
Joe moved away from him, and Sirius heard
the sound of a tap running, the heavy scent of lavender wafting through the air. Then slick fingers were swirling around his
entrance, the tip of one pushing inside, further, slowly invading him all the
way, pausing, sliding out, and then sliding back in. To be kneeling here, with Joe’s finger
gliding in and out of his arsehole left Sirius feeling decidedly exposed and
awkward. It seemed like such an alien
thing to do; yet, it tingled from within, making him shudder and not in a bad
way. A second finger pressed against
him.
“So, what exactly has Remus said that’s
upset you so much?” Joe asked as both fingers eased their way inwards. Sirius felt himself stretch around them; the
sensations became more pronounced and he wasn’t sure if he liked it, but he did
know that he was having trouble paying attention to Joe. The only word he could remember from the previous
sentence was ‘Remus’.
Joe continued to talk. “There must have been more to it than him simply telling you to stop seeing me. Doesn’t he think I’m good enough?”
Why
now? Sirius wondered. Why did Joe want to continue the discussion in
the middle of doing this? Was he intentionally trying to torture
Sirius? He was having a hard enough time
coming to terms with their current activity, without bringing Remus into the
mix, again. He let out a frustrated
groan. Perhaps if he just briefly told
Joe why Remus had issues, then Joe would be satisfied to give the subject of
Remus a rest.
“He…he went on a… homophobic rant… at me,”
Sirius panted as Joe continued to fuck him with his fingers. Joe suddenly curled them and Sirius gasped as
it sent a shockwave straight to his prick.
“Fuck…. I … I wouldn’t have expected him
to react like this….” He trailed off,
instinctively pushing back to drive Joe’s fingers inwards as far as they could
go.
“Keep talking,” Joe insisted.
“Ja… James, yes, well…no; he’ll just take
the piss, and…oh God, that’s… that’s…oh yes…. P… Peter will… probably join in, too… but they
won’t… they won’t react like that. I
just didn’t expect it from Remus. Not
Remus.”
Only when he had finished speaking, did Sirius notice that Joe had stopped his motions.
“Hang on. React to what?” Joe asked, removing his fingers completely. “You’re talking about it as if they don’t know about us, that Remus has only found out tonight. That doesn’t make sense.”
Sirius cringed. Why did he ever attempt to have a conversation when Joe’s fingers were fucking him up the arse—when there was no chance of him being able to pay the slightest consideration to what he was saying? Letting out a resigned sigh, he rolled onto his back on the towels to face Joe: sprawled naked with his arse in the air was not the best of positions for him to be in when it came to talking his way out of a situation.
“They…they thought I was only doing it for…a dare, I suppose,” Sirius admitted, looking up at Joe, who was perched awkwardly by Sirius’s thighs and appeared to be more tense than Sirius had ever seen him.
“A dare, you suppose?” Joe repeated in a monotone. He narrowed his eyes at Sirius. “What do you mean by that?”
“I…pissed Remus off, and…I said I’d do anything to make it up to him.”
“Anything?”
Sirius nodded. “Like go on a date with you, even though I wasn’t gay.” He swallowed and could feel his cock beginning to wilt under Joe’s scrutinising gaze.
“I see…” Joe turned towards the bathtub and reached out, twisting one of the taps open and catching another handful of oil. Crawling back to sit between Sirius’s legs, Joe started to rub the oil over his cock and leant down to press a brief kiss to Sirius’s lips, catching Sirius off guard.
Two oily hands took hold of Sirius’s knees and bent them, forcing his legs to open wider.
“And now he’s said you don’t have to keep
up your charade, you’ve decided that
you quite like a bit of cock,” Joe added, punctuating his sentence by rubbing
the head of his cock against Sirius’s entrance.
Sirius shuddered, surprised that Joe was apparently still willing to continue. “Yes.”
Joe tilted his hips and pushed the head inside, leaning forward to rest his hands on either side of Sirius’s chest and gradually sliding in more of his cock. Sirius’s skin began to tingle as he felt himself being opened up wider and wider, stretching so much he could imagine it wouldn’t be long before he was split in two. It seemed to take forever before Joe had sheathed himself fully and lay still on top of Sirius, drawing several deep breaths.
Sirius fidgeted, trying to work out if it was starting to feel better already; it was definitely not quite so tight, and he was tempted to say that he wanted that cock to start moving. He felt Joe’s prick twitch, and Joe said, “But now that Remus has told you to stop seeing me, you refused—despite promising him anything?”
“Er… not exactly. It wasn’t like that… he didn’t say I had to…”
“And what if he had done?”
“I… I don’t know,” Sirius admitted with a gasp as Joe began to fuck him ever so slowly. What if Remus had told him outright? But with his knees bent, feet dangling in mid-air and Joe’s cock inside him, it was practically impossible to work out what he really would have done.
“This is… hardly inspiring… my confidence, Sirius.” Joe stilled, and looked Sirius in the eye. “How can you let someone else have so much control over your life?”
“He’s… we’ve been through a lot together…” Sirius was at a loss. Thinking was not an option at that moment, but he did know that he appreciated Remus’s company more than anyone else’s—even James, his best friend. “I don’t want to lose his friendship.”
“To the point of doing anything he told you?”
“I guess…”
“So, you’d let him fuck you if he asked?”
Sirius dismissed Joe’s question immediately with a half-hearted laugh. “That’s not likely to happen.”
“Fuck whether it’s likely. Would you want him to do this?” Joe pushed inwards once more.
“I… I hadn’t—”
“—thought about it. Well, perhaps now would be a good time to
start.”
“Don’t be stupid!” Sirius spluttered as Joe looked at him intently. “He’s one of my best friends.”
“So? It’s not illegal to think about screwing other people; I do it all the time.”
“But, he’s… Remus. I—” Sirius was cut off as Joe began to move, pushing into him decisively. Sirius couldn’t speak, but he felt he shouldn’t have to defend himself on this, anyway: as far as he was concerned, thinking of shagging one of your friends was something you just didn’t do.
“Well, if he was … one of my mates... I know I’d want… to fuck him,” Joe panted as he continued to slide in and out. “Close your eyes.”
Sirius did as Joe suggested, listening as Joe continued to talk. “Now, this hand that’s running over your body, imagine that it belongs to Remus.” Sirius shivered, feeling the fingers drift across his stomach and up to his chest to tweak at a nipple, warm breath ghosting against his ear. “It’s Remus kissing your neck,” Joe said, brushing his lips below Sirius’s earlobe. Sirius moaned softly, and Joe started to grind his cock once more. “Remus, who’s… burying himself… inside you.”
They lapsed into a silence that was punctuated by moans and panting, hot breath dancing over Sirius’s skin. A hand slipped between their bodies and curled around Sirius’s cock. Sirius turned his head towards the heat of the face next to his, kissing at the stubbly cheek. He jerked his hips and pushed back against the cock that was thrusting into him more forcefully, losing himself to the feeling of a warm body covering him, a hard prick moving inside him, hands tracing over his skin, lips dusting down his neck. And for a brief moment it was Remus.
Sirius snapped his eyes open. “Stop… stop it.”
“Shh, it’s okay: he never has to know,” Joe
said, reaching up and placing a hand across Sirius’s face, casting him into
darkness again, “and I personally love a bit of role play; so you might as well
let yourself enjoy it.”
Not waiting for Sirius to respond, Joe started to fuck him more vigorously, the hand that was wrapped around Sirius’s cock matching the pace. Sirius muttered a stream of incoherent nonsense, bucking up into the hand and listening to Joe breathing words against his neck, “Sirius, say my name.”
“Joe.”
“No. It’s Remus. Say it.”
“Re… Remus…” Sirius started to shake. This was wrong; he shouldn’t be doing this, especially knowing how Remus felt. He had no right. What the hell did he think he was doing? “No!” he called out, pulling Joe’s hand from his eyes.
But Joe only glanced downwards as he
continued to drive into Sirius. “Don’t
tell me… you aren’t… getting right into this….
You are so… fucking…. hard… right now.”
“Stop it!” Sirius pleaded, and he pushed hard at Joe to get him off, to get him out. “Please, just fucking stop.”
To his relief, Joe stilled and then withdrew in silence. Sirius’s breath was coming in shaky gasps as he watched Joe move to sit on the edge of the bathtub. Joe leaned down and rinsed his cock in the water before wanking himself off—his arm moving furiously, a complete contrast to the rigidity in the rest of his body.
Trembling, Sirius sat up and grabbed his t-shirt, clumsily pulling it over his head before hunting round for his underpants. He heard Joe cry out and looked up to see Joe’s hand juddering to a halt, come landing across the surface of the water. Sirius’s eyes dropped to his own cock that was still hard from thinking about Remus. Feeling disgusted with himself, he hurriedly pulled on his jeans to get his traitorous cock out of sight.
Joe shook his head as he started to dress,
staring at Sirius, his face unreadable.
“If he wanted you, you’d drop me in an
instant,” Joe said coldly.
“No… I—”
“Don’t deny it, Sirius. What’s the point? Going by his earlier reaction, we both know
that he wouldn’t touch you with a bargepole.
You’re not good enough; you’re not a girl.”
And it was true: Remus would never want him
like this. No matter how close they had
been, Sirius could never be anything more.
And at that moment, Sirius hated Joe for showing him this, for showing him
how much he wanted something he couldn’t have.
“You’re in love with him,” Joe stated baldly as he buckled the belt to his trousers.
“Blokes do not love other blokes!”
“Just who are you trying to convince?” Joe sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I just want you to be honest. What is so scary about the words ‘I want to fuck Remus’? Why can’t you admit that you like him?”
“But I don’t… I can’t…”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. I give up.”
Sirius watched as Joe marched towards the door. “Where are you going?”
Joe stopped, resting his fingers on the handle. “I can take it that you used me because of him. I can take it that you’d rather be with him. I don’t mind shagging you—even pretending to be him—knowing all that. But I’m not willing to listen to your denials, not tonight.” Joe opened the door and stepped out into the corridor. “I’ll see you later, Sirius, after you’ve had a chance to sort your head out.”