As a child, I was happy, joyful, full of life and shy. I had my cousin, Karen and my sister. We were buddies. We played with each other almost everyday when we were around 2, 3 and 4 years old. Then few years later, my whole life changed where I moved to California. With all the moving back and forth from California and Singapore really put a huge impact on me and my self-esteem. Life became difficult. I had hard time making friends because I was scared to make new ones. I felt that everytime I made a new friend, I end up leaving and having to start over again. I was scared that if I were to make new friends, I will never see them again. I was loosing a lot of friendships. I became self-concious, insecure and definitely have low self-esteem. Then I moved to Connecticut 1995. I thought to myself, just another place we're moving to and then we'll move again. Surpringly, we didn't move after being there for 3 years and I thought, wow I finished middle school...and it's the same school!!! Then I finished high school...and it was the same school as well. However, I wasn't happy...

As I turned 17, my godson's mother had convinced my parents to let me date. I was so excited to be in a relationship with a guy. However, it didn't turn out well. The I got into another relationship few months after. Even though it was only for a couple months, I was terrified while I was in that relationship. I was naive, innocent, and confused. Things happened where I never wished would happen to one person. I was scared, lonely and hurt. I went to my friends, but in the end, I still end up isolating myself. I felt like no one understands my pain or understands me anymore. I became even more self-concious, insecure and I became depressed. I was starting to be so good at hiding my feelings and I was definitely getting good at pretending to be someone that I'm not. I pretended to be happy, a girl with no problems, a girl with a perfect life. Every now and then I would express my true self, but it just goes back to Miss Happy Little Phebe. My heart was tearing apart each time and I cried a lot. I started going to other source of comfort instead of my friends. I felt like a drag to my friends and I felt like no one was listening. I felt like no one sees my pain, no one understands me, so I went to a different path of helping me solve my problems and running away from them. I felt so alone...

Then I met the most wonderful guy, who I thought understood me. I felt comfortable talking to him for hours and I felt a connection between us. We started going out, and everything felt perfect. He was kind and sweet. I loved him so much. However, things started to change between us. His parents were demanding more from him and I was demanding more of his time. He was working late hours and going to school during the day. I hardly see him. I had to drive a hour and a half to see him every weekend and I wait for him to get out of work around 11:30pm and 12am. it went on for almost 2 years and I couldn't take it anymore. It was too much for me to handle. I started to feel so alone even when I had him. He was starting to scare me at times and I was crying more than ever. Then few months after we broke up, I lost him forever...I was crushed, I was lost, I was lonely, I was so hurt, I was screamning and no one hears me. I thought I could never love another man because I loved him so much.

Soon after, I met another guy. He was a great guy. He was fun, cute, and funny. He was there to comfort me, took me to places and introduce me to his friends. Our friendship soon bloomed into a relationship. We talked on the phone everyday and he would send me cute little messages. It was not until I ended up in the hospital for a week a month later, he said "I love you". I thought, he was the guy. He took such good care of me and I really felt like he loved me so much. I believe everything he said and I trusted him with my heart. Things were going great between us, but then suddenly, we started fighting a lot and I started crying so much. I started going to the other source of comfort and my special comfort and became worse and worse. I started to fall ill physically, mentally and emotionally. I still hide it really well and pretend to be happy when I was crying non-stop in my heart. I didn't want to loose him because I was scared. I was scared I will loose him forever too just like I lost my first love. I was getting sicker each day, nothing helped and I wasn't showing any sign of getting better. I go see a doctor at least 2-3 times a month. It was after we broke up 10 months later, things got worse. We agreed to be friends, when my heart was breaking even more. Not until a month after we broke up, I ended up at the hospital again and this time really scared me to death. I kept pretending things were okay and tried to be happy. But I was getting more depressed each day and that's when my dad agreed to send me to Singapore to get better.

I am happier now and I'm getting better. I'm starting to love my life again and enjoying life once again. I am getting stronger each day and feeling so much better about myself. I've dated 4 guys and fell in love twice, but come to realized that none of them was the Love of my Life. The last 2 break ups was really hard on me. However, I know that what happened to me in my past relationships had helped me mature more as in understanding what love is and myself. When I do meet the perfect man for me, I will know in my heart he is the one because when I'm with him, I will be happy and I will feel good about myself. For now, I am content with my status as a single and I'm not searching for anyone right now. There will be times when I do miss being in a relationship, especially night times and when I see couples around me. I know God has someone special and perfect for me out there and all I have to do is wait patiently. I don't want to end up in a relationship where it doesn't bring me anywhere and where I end up getting hurt again. I don't want to fall for another man and say "I Love You", when he is not the one God has for me. I want to save my love and my heart for him. I don't want to end up loving so many man before the right one. I want to be in a relatsionship where everything is perfect and our love is pure and true. I want to be able to make the guy happy, feel so loved and special and vice versa.
One day God will bring us together.