David's Home remedies    

 Warning! Do not try to use these!   

Headache: Mix toe jam, diseased sparrow drool, the left eye of a crab, and  three snail hearts, and boil concoction in a wolf's stomach for 2 days. After cooking, put mixture in a soda and drink quickly. WARNING! If you use the wrong eye, or a different bird's drool, you could grow an extra head, thus making your headache twice as bad.

Toothache: Rub your toothbrush in poison ivy juice and fly guts. Brush tooth for 3 hrs. non-stop. If ache doesn't vanish, wash your mouth out with either poisonous plant aloe, or nitric acid. 

Common cold: Stay warm and drink your favorite drink, and listen to Weird Al. Afterwards, chew on some pickled parsley, and the cold will jump out of your ear and melt.

Warts: Rub a dandelion ( one dandelion per wart) and drink a can of root beer and 3 bottles of steak sauce ( your choice, plus you may put it on food if you wish). WARNING! substitute the root beer or steak sauce with anything else, your warts will become grenades!