My Writing

I�ve been writing for as long as I can recall. You�ll find some of my poetry here (mostly high school angst... some college angst...) as well as links to my old columns at the Daily Collegian at Penn State and my new articles at SOYOUWANNA.COM.

Articles for SOYOUWANNA.COM

Window gardening. ^{(October 20, 2000)} Martha Stewart, eat your heart out!

White water rafting. ^{(October 20, 2000)} Burt Reynolds, eat your heart out!

Opinion columns for The Daily Collegian at Penn State

University police mistake underwear for computers. ^{(October 20, 2000)} Read the column that launched my controversial career and ensured that I would always be on Penn State�s �Ten Most Wanted� list, presumably for laundering.

LGBSA alienating visibility nothing but an eyesore. ^{(October 20, 2000)} Well, I had to follow the underwear column with something, right? So why not alienate what few conservatives hadn�t taken offense to my first column by outing myself to the whole world while simultaneously denouncing Penn State�s official gay and lesbian on-campus organization?

Going topless: if boys can do it, why can�t girls? ^{(October 20, 2000)} And in case I may have still had a few supporters from the feminist camp...

Loyal opposition key to political viability. ^{(October 20, 2000)} And, having pushed everybody�s tolerance to the limits, why not ask the same question that Rodney King asked: why can�t we all just get along? This one was actually serious. Blame my editors for requesting it.

Dysfunctional dolls for the psychotherapeutic society. ^{(October 20, 2000)} Believe it or not, there were some angry letters for this one, from people obviously too stupid to recognize tongue-in-cheek when they see it. Or people envious of the fact that I�ve had tongues other than my own in my cheek. Something like that.

Old Testament rife with humor. ^{(October 20, 2000)} I have to give Penn State Professor Baruch Halpern credit here, since I never had enough space to credit him in the original column. I co-opted, if not out and out plagiarized, the content of several of his lectures in this column on contradictions and humor in the Old Testament. Baruch could have been a brilliant stand-up comic had he not chosen the academic path. Can you believe there were hate letters from people who claimed I was denouncing the Bible after this column? I have yet to find a negative, anti-Bible message in it; in fact, I�m fairly certain that this piece praises the Bible quite heartily for its overall message. Perhaps they got their panties in a wad over the idea of God having a sense of humor -- something he obviously forgot to instill in his most devout followers. Or perhaps they were playing it backwards.

Russian novels and close friends brighten Christmas. ^{(October 20, 2000)} Ah, my end of the semester well-wishing upon all mankind.

Hating the beautiful: Hollywood�s search for pure evil. ^{(October 20, 2000)}

Culture clash links Vanilla Ice, Bagels. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Fruit flies, fabulousness linked to genetic pre-disposition. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Psychic dispenses pearls of wisdom for new year. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Advice for the singled out on Valentine�s Day. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Healthy advice to buff up for Spring Break. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

My universal hair cair coverage plan, part one. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

My universal hair cair coverage plan, part two. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

A column warning that the end is near. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Love Doctor provides test to determine time to amputate. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

From aardvarks to Honduras, a lot comes before honesty. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

The Real America best seen by two-way highways. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Civil disobediance key to reigning in bicycle town. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Sniffing glue not solution to college money problems. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Gay men know who walks their side of the fence. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Guy�s Night means shop talk, booze, testosterone. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

An article about why people should vote. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Food brings together friends, family. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

My farewell column.

Aunt Sylvie

Everybody has an inner Aunt Sylvie Golden-Shapiro. Mine first appeared as a sort of metaphysical guide post dispensing occasional aphorisms in my own columns. Then, one week, I was asked to provide a guest column when a particular columnist resigned her biweekly for pursuit of the political, and Sylvie stepped up to bat with a column about politics on campus. From that moment on, reader response created a manifest destiny and the following summer she wound up with her column in the arts section in which she commented on women in music video, sort of a chicken soul for the boob tube, if you'll pardon the pun (it was Sylvie�s).

A Campus Queen could be the solution to student unrest. Or something like that. You think I have time to look this stuff up? What, maybe you want I should do your laundry too? ^{(October 21, 2000)}

One proud feminist delcares: I am woman, hear me flush. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Yes I am! Learning the rules of lesbian chic. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Obsession songs: With every breath you take, I�ll be stalking you. For some reason, this has not been posted on the website for the Daily Collegian, which means I shall have to provide it eventually. Oh, joy.

Co-Dependency and the pop song: Strong voices, weak women. For some reason, this has not been posted on the website for the Daily Collegian, which means I shall have to provide it eventually. Oh, joy.

The Road Trip: Have theme song and sensible shoes, will travel. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

On the road: Soul searching and skin slamming in the Motor City. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

The Road Trip: Discovering the hearts and minds of the heartland. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Dear Readers: Sylvie sends a postcard from the cutting edge. ^{(October 21, 2000)}

Poetry

"A Final Elegy." This is one I wrote in high school for my best friend at the time when �the rift� developed. Angsty enough for you? Young homos, take heart... we don't all grow up to be as waify as high school makes us feel! I've become quite the well-adjusted, albeit somewhat less prone to deep bouts of emotion, adult member of society! By the way, the character that this poem is based upon is, was, and always will be straight, as far as I know (I'm sure somebody out there is probably wondering if it was an actual romance or not... no, it wasn't; I loved my best friend from afar and even went so far as to constantly act as mediator to help reconcile him with his girlfriend whenever they would break up, just because I wanted him to be happy... ick, how pathetic was I?).

"Dry Winter." This was written for a friend of mine from high school. I always was so enchanted by her and the elegant world to which she belongs; quite unlike my own gritty life.

"Earthbound." Here's one that�s actually full of hope; it�s about maintaining a vigil against despair, about the synthesis of new Universes out of the decadence and decomposition of what was previously (and incorrectly) held as eternal or infallible.

"Idle Worship." Oh, more of that high school angst. Read whatever you want to into the symbolism; there's various levels of obviousness, and I�m not going to go into detail about the personal inspiration.

"Life Sentence." Yet another high school poem about wanting to die and being unable to do so. By the time I wrote this, of course, I was on the road to recovery and basically just trying to verbalize what I had felt in the past. Blaming God for making me something that society would not accept, and yet blaming Him for making me unable to actually kill myself because I loved this life too much. This isn�t here to inspire suicide; it�s here to deter it -- anyone who reads this should know that if the person who wrote these words can find reason to live and love, then so can anyone else (I know it seems stupid that I should have to include such a disclaimer, but if I didn�t, I'm sure some moron could accuse me of endorsing suicide or even encouraging an actual suicide, which I don�t; I find suicide cowardly and inexcusable).

"Miss J and the Great Aqua-Net Theft." A little levity in the form of biting sarcasm a la Alexander Pope�s "Rape of the Lock." Miss J was based on a particular airheaded bimbette from my high school, we all know the type: "beautiful but boring," as Ani Di Franco would say; scratch the surface and you�ve destroyed what little value this particular girl held. And there are so many like her! God bless America. For those of you who love iambic pentameter and eighties pop music trivia, this is the poem for you!

"Psalm 2: The Sanctity of Prejudice." My social commentary on bigotry, perhaps the most heavy-handed piece I�ve written, absolutely venomous in its portrayal of racism, fundamentalism, and intolerance, but is there really any generous way to treat the subject? I know that the piece is bound to be offensive to anyone who assumes the poet and the narrator to be the same; it will also be just as offense to the bigots it condemns. I�m sure the illustration here is also bound to be incendiary; there�s commentary on this photo on the �Idle Worship� page. The illustration wasn�t written expressly for one of my poems, however, I feel that it does fit this piece rather accurately if you think about how bigotry and prejudice cause you to judge and condemn someone essentially for their mere existence: a bigot may as well be crucifying infants, because it is for the actual act of existence that they are persecuting their scapegoats (in other words, this illustration is not here as an endorsement of crucifying babies... although I do endorse marinating babies in a light Hollandaise sauce... j/k).

"Psalm 4: A Fortress of Mirrors." About conformity and the lack of a lack of it.

"Raining." This is for a friend of mine who was sick. I didn�t know.

"San Francisco, March 1990." This one�s pretty erotic, and not even remotely morbid. So, as you can see, my newer stuff is not so gloomy (although even in my gloomy stuff, I can say there is the constant redeeming quality of self-deprecating humor and verbal irony).

"A Simple Love Poem in Three Parts." Am I truly a romantic at heart, or have I simply put this here to get dates? You be the judge...

"Talking Sheep." My lifelong search to seek out God in spite of organized religion�s attempt to obfuscate the True and Divine.

"Water and Moon." Oh, I guess I can be a romantic when the appropriate muse strikes me! (It�s just that the other eight muses are usually beating the crap out of me instead...) This is sort of that idealized physical romance that one has when one is young and virginal.