| To Be Desired Chapter 22 I put my hand on his chest and pushed him away firmly. I scooted backwards quickly. What the hell did he think he was doing? Something by the door caught my eye. I looked over and my jaw went slack. Shit. Paul was standing by the door looking quite shocked. I jumped up quickly to my feet as did John I saw from the corner of my eye. �Paul, I swear I didn�t-� I said quickly, pleading him not to think I would do this willingly. �What the fuck do you think you�re doing?!� Paul almost shouted, angrily at John. Before I really knew what was going on Paul had rushed at John and punched him square in the face. My hand flew to my mouth. Oh god. I jumped in between them quickly, kicking myself for not stopping him before anyone got hurt. I put my hands on Paul�s shoulders steadfastly. I looked into his eyes, I couldn�t believe he did that! He looked down and took a small step backwards. I was glad he didn�t try to get past me, I sure couldn�t have held him back. I looked back to John. �Are you Ok?� I asked. His nose was bleeding. He nodded. �I think so� He said holding his nose. �Go get a towel or something� I said. He nodded shortly and left quickly. Paul was glaring after him. I squeezed Paul�s shoulders and he looked back to me. �What do you think you were doing?� I asked scoldingly. He looked at me. �What does he think he was doing?� He argued. �I really don�t know, but, you didn�t hafto hit him� I said. �He kissed you� He said. �He can�t kiss you, you�re mine� He added. I didn�t like how that sounded but I shook it off. �You know, I didn�t do anything, right?� I asked slowly. He nodded. �I�m not mad at you, it�s John�s fault� He said. I was glad he didn�t think it was me, but, I need to know what�s going on here. Paul slid his arms around my waist and kissed me deeply. It was more intense and �look I�m better than John�, than sweet, but that�s OK. I slid my arms around his neck and played with the hair on the back of his neck. He pulled away and laid his cheek on mine. I looked over his shoulder at John, he sat down on the couch holding a handkerchief to his face. I kissed Paul�s ear and pulled away. �Paul, I�m going to talk to John� I said. �No� he said quickly. I narrowed an eye at him. �Don�t tell me what I can do, Paul� I said hotly. �I need to talk to him� I said taking a step back. �I don�t want to leave you alone with him.� He said. I looked at him. �If you don�t trust me-� I started argumentatively. �No� He said quickly. �I trust you, I don�t trust John� He said. I shook my head. �I�m sorry you feel that way.� I said. �But, you�ll hafto go deal with it� I added. �I�d like to talk to John, Paul� I told him again. He looked at me before he nodded silently. �Ok� He said quietly. I opened the door and Paul followed me inside. John looked at Paul expressionless. �um, John, can I talk to you?� I asked. He looked to Paul quickly and then back to me. �Sure� He said hesitating. He stood up and I took him outside and shut the balcony door. He leaned against the railing and looked embarrassed and contrary. I bit my lip and leaned against the railing next to him. �If this thing brakes I�m blaming you� I said, trying to brake the silence. He smiled. �Ok� He agreed. I looked at the floor and then back to him. �I�m sorry I just don�t really understand� I said. He looked at me. �Understand what?� He asked. �Why you kissed me� I said. �Because I like you� He said. �I might even love you, I�m not sure about that though.� he said. Ok this was going to be a bit hard. �I like you, John, I think you�re a really great friend, and a nice guy...� I said. �But, I�m in love with Paul.� I said softly. �I know� He said. �But, I had to try didn�t I?� He said smiling. I shrugged. �I admire your courage, I would say. I wouldn�t even tell someone if I liked them.� I said. �Why not?� He asked. �I dunno, I�m like that� I said. �Well, I�m sorry I kissed you� He said. �That�s OK� I said. �I�m sorry� I said. He nodded. �I was stupid, You have Paul, why would u want me?� He said jokingly though somewhat serious I could tell. �Come on� I said nudging him with my elbow. �You�re a great guy, besides you�re married, or have you forgotten?� I said. �No� He said. �Things aren�t going so good with Cyn anyway� He said. I looked at him. �What�s wrong?� I asked. He shrugged. �I dunno, I don�t love her anymore� He said. I raised my eyebrows. �Well, You did at some point right?� I asked. �I thought I did, But maybe I never did, I only married her because she was preggers.� He said. �Otherwise, I don�t think I would have married her� He said. �And I love Julian, But I�m a crappy father.� He said. �You aren�t� I said. �Yes, I am. And a crappy husband.� He added. �Come on� I said. �I�m never home, When I am I�m an asshole, I don�t know how to act around my own son.� He said. I felt bad for him. �How to act?� I asked. He nodded. �I don�t know what to do with him, How to play with him.� He explained. �Paul�s great with him� He said. �He�ll make a great dad� He said nodding. �A great husband too� He added nudging me with his elbow. I smiled and looked down at the ground. �Ya� I said softly. �He�s more like Julian�s father than I am.� He said ruefully. �No, *You�re* Julian�s dad� I said. �I�m turning into the crappy father my dad was.� He said. I flinched unnoticeably. �John! You are not! If you think you�re so awful then go and do something about it.� I said. He looked at me. �I don�t know what� He said. I shook my head. �Then why are you guys still together?� I asked. �Cos of Julian, mostly, And Cyn, She still loves me, She didn�t do anything wrong, I feel bad she�s stuck with me.� He said. I looked down I didn�t know what to say to him. �Well, I�m sorry, John.� I said sincerely. He smiled smally. �It�s OK, I�m used to it� He said. �Just try harder� I said. �I am, I want everything to work out� He said. �Well, then Good Luck� I said. �Can I meet Cyn and Julian when we get to England?� I asked. �Of course� He said. �You�ll get on great with Cyn� He said. �I will� I said. �I want to meet everyone else's wives...girlfriends, whatever they are.� I said. �Oh, you will, don�t worry� he said. The silence swallowed the conversation. �You and me are good right?� I asked. He nodded. �I can be your friend, your really good friend, but that�s it.� I said. He nodded again. �I know� He said. A silence proceeded. �Are you really happy with Paul?� He asked. I nodded. �Extremely� I said. �Then I�m happy for you, really. And Paul too, even though he killed my nose� He said. I smiled. �Are you OK?� I asked. �I�m fine� He smiled. His nose had stopped bleeding a bit ago. �I can�t believe Paul hit you� I said. �Oh, well, If I was him I would have hit me too� He said. I laughed. �Well that�s lovely� I said. He smiled. �Paul�s terribly mad at me though� He said. �I don�t blame him, but he is� He said. �I�ll talk to him� I said. John smiled at me. �Ok then� he said. �You know Paul acts different around you� John said. �Different?� I asked. He nodded. �Different then Jane at least� He said. I looked at him. �He was more...not him around her, like reserved maybe� he said. �He really loves you.� he said. I smiled. �Well, I really love him� I said. He smiled. �You�re good for him� He said. I looked at him like �what?�. �Paul can be an arrogant bastard sometimes, I know you wouldn�t allow that.� He laughed. �He knows it too� he said. I looked at him like was that a compliment or an insult. �thanks.....� I said slowly. �It�s a good thing� he smiled. �Ok� I said. He smiled. �You deserve Paul� He said. I smiled. �Thanks� I said. �I love you too John, You know you�re a really gear friend� I said. He smiled. �Your a great friend, too� He said roughly. I gave him a hug and he hugged me back. �Thanks Lucey� He said. I smiled. �Oh, anytime, John, anytime.� I said. He went to the door and opened it, I followed him inside. The warmth swallowed me and I hadn�t realized that it was extremely cold outside. Paul was starring at me. I know he was watching us the whole time we were outside. I stood in front of him. He looked up at me. I took his hand and pulled him up. He stood up �I wanna talk to you� I said quietly. I walked into our room. Paul followed me and shut the door behind him. I sat on the bed and looked up. He sat down next to me. �I�m freezing� I said rubbing my hands up and down my arms. �Maybe because you guys were outside so long� Paul suggested. �Of course you did look quite cozy out there� he added. �Oh god, Jealousy is not very becoming on you� I said. �Another man is after my girl.� He said. �And half of the population of women is after my man.� I argued. He hesitated. �But he�s my best mate� he said. �I don�t care if he�s your brother, Paul, Don�t be so spiteful.� I said. �I�m not spiteful� He said. �I can�t believe he kissed you� He said shaking his head. �He said he�s happy for you, and me� I said. He looked at me. �He asked me if I was happy with you and I said I was very happy and he said then that he was happy for me and you� I said. He nodded. �What else did he say?� He asked putting his arm around me and hugging me to him. �He told me all about Cyn and Julian� I said. �Oh?� Paul asked. �Yeah, It was kinda sad really� I said. �He says that he and Cyn aren�t in love really and that he�s a crappy father and husband.� I said. �I felt bad for him� I added. Paul nodded. �Yeah, I know, Once he asked me how I played with Julian... I felt bad, I didn�t know what to tell him.� He said. I shook my head. �That�s kinda sad� I said. �Yes, I feel bad for Cyn though.� Paul said. �Why?� I asked. �I dunno, cos she�s stuck with John, I mean, you know he doesn�t treat her well, he ignores her a lot, I just feel sorry for her.� Paul said. �I want to meet her� I said. �You will� He said. �I want to meet everyone.� I said. �You will, you can meet my family.� He said. �Oh geez� I said. �What?� he asked. �I don�t want to meet your family� I said. �Why not?� He asked offended like. �No, I don�t mean it like that.� I assured him. �They wont like me.� I said. He laughed. �Yes they will� he said. �No� I shook my head. �they wont� I said. �Aww come on� he said. �They�ll love you, and even if they don�t, it doesn�t matter cos I do� he said tightening his arm around me. �Aw I love you too Paulie� I said tilting my head to him. He kissed me sweetly and I kissed him back. I felt tired. I have no idea why. I was just really tired. I pulled away and laid my head on his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head. �I�m tired� I said. �You aren�t getting sick are you?� Paul asked. �No� I said. �I think it�s your schedule...I dunno how you guys live like this. I love to sleep� I said. �I do too, I just can�t� He said. �I�m going to get ready for bed.� I said. He nodded. I stood up and went to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my face and put my hair up. I turned off the light and came back in the room looking through my suitcase. I found my black sweat shorts and pink spaghetti strap shirt and changed quickly. I crawled into bed and sat up beside Paul. He pulled his shirt off and slid his pants off throwing them on the chair next to the nightstand. I rolled over so he could wrap his arm around me, but it felt odd laying this way. I squirmed. �Can I lay over there? I can�t sleep this way.� I said. �What?� He asked. I got up on my knees and scrambled over Paul and laid on the other side of him. Much better. He shook his head smiling. I rolled to face him. I played with the ends of his hair. �Are you alright, Luv?� Paul asked. I looked at him. �Yeah� I said surprised. �It�s just, your acting odd.� He said. �I�m acting odd?� I asked. He nodded. �Not as like you as you normally are� He said...he was starting to sound like me. �Oh, well, I dunno� I said. I sighed. �You know, when I was in 2002 I was perfectly happy, I had my friends and my family and my city. but, I just always had this feeling, like something was missing, like I didn�t belong, like I was out of place. And then I came here, and I know this is what was making me feel out of place, �cos this is right. And it�s great, �cos your here. in 1966. But I have the feeling like I�m still out of place, something isn�t right. There is still something missing and I�m so confused.� I said. He touched my face. �I�m sorry if that�s confusing...� I said. �No, I get it.� he said softly. �Before, you were missing me, �cos we were meant to be together, and now you miss your friends and family...and practically everything you�ve ever known.� He said. �It�s amazing to think you came all the way here just because of me, when you had to leave everything else behind. That I was enough to make you come.� He said. �I think your the only reason I�ve come, I don�t know of any other reason to be sent here.� I said. ��cos I�m more happy now than I�ve been, ever� I said. He kissed the corner of my mouth delicately. �I am too, Luv� He said. I smiled. �Well, I think it�s funny how you noticed I was acting odd� I said. He smiled �I know how you act.� He said. I smiled. �I don�t act� I said. �How you are.� He corrected. I nodded. �I�m sorry I�m acting odd, I�m confused.� I said �I understand.� He said. There was a moment of silence. �Your much easier to figure out than other girls.� Paul said. I burst out laughing. �Easier to figure out.� I said laughingly. He smiled. �you are, really� He said. �How do you figure that one out?� I asked. He smiled. �Cause you say how you feel� He said. I looked at him. �Other girls when you ask them what�s wrong they say �nuthing� and then they get mad at you cos they expect you to somehow know whats going on all the time.� He said. �I�m not �other girls�� I smiled. �Lucky for me� He said wrapping an arm around me. �I love you Sarah� He said. �I love you Paulie� I said. He kissed me deeply. I kissed him back just as. I pulled away, �I�m sleepish� I said. Paul kissed my eyelids. �K, then go to sleep.� He said. I rolled over, my back facing him. He wrapped his arm around my stomach and laid his face in my hair. I pulled the covers over us. He kissed me under my ear. �Sweet dreams, Luv� He said softly. �G�night, Paulie� I said back. I snuggled back into him and listened to his breathe as I fell asleep. I woke up the next morning. I felt instantly that I was alone and shivered, even thought the covers were tucked around me. I blinked sleepily and looked to the window. The sun streamed through the curtains. I rolled over and tugged the covers to my chin. I saw a piece of paper on Paul�s pillow. I picked it up and tried to blink the sleepiness out of my eyes so I could read it. Dear Sarah, Good morning, Love. I�m sorry, but we had to leave for the concert. I know you were tired so I let you sleep in. Hope you feel better now. I probably wont be home until around 7. I miss you. Remember I�m thinking of you right now and I love you! I must be going, but I�ll see you soon. Love always, Your Paulie I traced the heart drawn around my name and smiled. I dropped the note on the nightstand and snuggled down into the bed. I put my hand out on the bed next to me and recoiled. It was stone cold. A dull ache started in my chest wishing Paul was here. I tried to shake it off and laugh at myself. Missing him already, how lame. I turned and looked at the clock. 2:23. wow, I did sleep in. But I felt very rested and awake now. I peeled the covers back and got up. I opened the curtains wider so the room filled with light. I took a nice shower and blow dried my hair. I changed into black sweat pants and my white spaghetti strap shirt. I found Paul�s dress shirt that was still in my possession. I brought it to my face and breathed it in. It smelled of Paul. I took a deep breath and pulled it on, buttoning a couple buttons. I opened the door and walked into the common room. I was starving. I found the room service menu by the phone and picked it up, scanning the contents. I called down and ordered scrabbled eggs and toast. It was one of those days. I sat down on the couch and stared out the window at the tops of buildings. The deafening silence was ringing in my ears, I stood up abruptly and turned on the TV. I had no idea what anything was that was on. I picked a channel and sat down watching a commercial for shampoo. There was a knock on the door and I shouted for them to come in. A bellboy came in with a cart and left it by the table. I realized I didn�t have any money. �I�m sorry I don�t have any money...� I said slowly. �I will add it to your bill� he said. ah, snazzy. �Oh, OK, that works� I said he nodded and turned to leave. �And add a little something on there for yourself� I said. He bowed. �Thank you, miss� he said before walking out and closing the door. I burst out laughing. I sat down at the table and watched TV as I ate my...breakfast. It was a soap opera I think...if they called it that in those days. When I was finished I put my dishes on the cart and went and got my sketchpad. I finished a picture of a horse I was drawing from a magazine. I signed my name and threw the book onto the coffee table. I was missing Paul terribly. Or maybe just interaction with people. The silent stillness was getting to me. I walked about and picked up a bit of the suite. I dropped back onto the couch and sighed. The show was over and I watched the beginning of a next show. During commercial I looked out the window at the setting sun over the tops of the buildings almost clear out of sight. I lost track of time starring into space. I heard voices and rowdy footsteps before I knew it. My face broke into a smile thinking bout Paul and the door burst open. John came in pulling his tie down and yanking his jacket off throwing it on nearby chair. My smile dropped slowly when George shut the door behind him and Paul wasn�t anywhere. I smiled at John who collapsed onto the couch next to me. �Hey, where�s my sexy man?� I asked the three, collapsed on various furniture. John raised his hand. �I said �sexy�, John� I said smiling. He pointed to himself looking confused. I shook my head. �You should look into wearing those glasses more often, like when you look in the mirror� I said. He looked at me mock hurt. I smiled sweetly. �Well, If you mean Paul...� He started. I rolled my eyes. �I can�t tell you where he is.� he said. �Your joking� I said. He shook his head. �Nope� he said. �Well, when will he be here?� I asked. �Umm, 30 minutes.� He said. �Oh, K� I said slowly. I laid back against the couch. �How was the concert?� I asked. �It was the same as every concert.� He said. I nodded. �I�m going to take a shower.� He said. George and Ringo were gone too, I assumed to take a shower. I nodded. I was sitting alone again. I sighed and watched the rest of the show. The guys came back clean, with casual clothes on. They were talking about the concert and I sat in silence. I heard Paul and Neil�s voice from outside the door. I looked at the door and Paul and Neil walked in laughing over something. I watched Paul walk up to me. He smiled at me and pulled me up and sat down pulling me in his lap. �Hey, Luv� He said. �Hi� I said. He kissed me sweetly. �I missed you, Luv� He said softly. �I missed you too� I said. He smiled and pushed me up gently. He took my hand and lead me to the bedroom. He opened the door and closed it behind us. He sat on the bed and I sat facing him indian style. �I�m sorry I had to leave This morning, Luv� He said. I smiled. �That�s OK, I slept in...and then I had fun walking around in the vast emptiness of the suite� I said. He smiled. �I�m sorry, I thought you�d want to sleep.� He said. �I did, I was just kidding.� I said. He smiled. �Why were you home later...than everyone else?� I asked. His smile widened. �I�d like to take you out to dinner tonight.� He said. I smiled. �aw, that would be lovely.� I said. He reached in his jacket pocket and pulled out a largish square box. �And, the reason I was late, I had to stop and buy this.� He said. He handed me the box. I eyed him and then opened it slowly. I gasped softly. It was a gorgeous necklace. It had three sickeningly real-looking diamonds in a vertical row hanging on a silver chain. my heart fluttered and my stomach lurched. �Oh Paul� I sighed. �Do you like it?� He asked apprehensively. �Well, yeah, It�s beautiful.� I said. He smiled. I flinched and took one last look at it before snapping the box shut and shoving it back at Paul. �I can�t take that.� I said. He shoved it back. �Yes you can.� he said. �No, It�s too much, you shouldn�t have bought me anything.� I said pushing it back. �Yes well I did.� He said. He opened the box and took the necklace out. He came behind me and held the necklace around my neck. �Pull your hair up, Luv� he said. I closed my eyes and sighed. I pulled my hair up and shivered as I felt his fingers on my neck. �ok� He said. I dropped my hair. He stood in front of me and looked at my neck smiling. He unbuttoned his shirt (I was wearing it, refer to par. 12 page 7) and pulled the collar away from my neck. I touched it softly. �Paul� I whined. �You shouldn�t have bought this� I repeated. �I had to� He said. I looked at him. �I don�t think you had to.� I said. he smiled. �I had to.� He said. He pulled me to my feet and put his hands on my shoulders and walked me to the mirror. I looked at my reflection, the necklace glitteringly beautifully against my skin. It looked nice, of course it would, costing unthinkable amounts of money. �See� He said softly, staring at me in the mirror, �That�s why I had to buy it.�. I looked at Paul in the mirror. He smiled. �It looks perfect.� He said sexily. I smiled. I turned around and threw my arms around his neck. I kissed his ear. �Thank you, Paul� I said. �Your welcome� He said. �Even though I don�t deserve it.� I said. �Hey, you do.� He said. �No, I really don�t� I said. �It must have cost a fortune.� I said verging on a whine. �It doesn�t matter how much it cost.� He said. �it does-� I said. �Shut up and kiss me� He said. I smiled still feeling awful. I kissed him deeply. His kiss intensified and he pushed me a step back and I hit the wall. His hand slid down my hip. His other hand slid up my stomach slowly making me shiver and I leaned heavier against the wall. His hand slid in my bra and I moaned into his mouth. I tugged on his bangs. I pulled back breathing harder. �Paul� I breathed into his ear. He breathed back into mine and kissed my ear. He kissed the corner of my mouth and a knock on the door pulled Paul away from me. Paul cleared his throat. �Yeah� He called. �Your reservations are made, we hafto be there in an hour.� Neil called. Paul nodded. �Ya. Ok, Thanks Nell.� Paul called. �Sure thing� He called. Paul smiled at me. �Do you have anything to wear to a nice restaurant?� he asked. �But, then again who said you had to dress fancy for a fancy restaurant?� He quoted me. I smiled. �I have a dress, and if its not scrunched into a ball in the corner of my suitcase I might be able to wear it.� I said. He smiled. I opened my case and searched through the piles of clothes. I found it and pulled it out slowly. It miraculously was pretty un wrinkled. I pulled it out and held it up to me. Paul smiled. �This good?� I asked. �perfect� He said. I smiled. I went to plug in the curling iron in the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and changed into the dress. I smoothed it down my sides. I liked the dress. It was black and a bit short. It was tight on the top and went out a bit on the waist. It was spaghetti strap and criss crossed down the low back. I checked the curling iron and started to flip up my hair. I swept back pieces of my hair and flipped it a bit all over. I unplugged it and left the bathroom quickly. Paul wolf-whistled when he saw me. I smiled and searched my bag for hair spray. I sprayed my hair quickly and grabbed my makeup bag. I powdered my face and applied my eyeshadow, masscara, and eyeliner quickly. I applied some lip-gloss and searched the suitcase for my shoes. I pulled on my black Steve Madden high heels. I stood in front of the mirror pulling the dress down a bit. Paul came in turning off the bathroom light with black slacks and a white dress shirt. I turned around. He smiled. �God, you look gorgeous.� He said sincerely. I smiled widely. �Thanks� I said. �Your looking quite handsome yourself� I said. He smiled. �Thank you� He said tying his tie and straightening it. I smiled at him. He slid on his jacket and adjusted it. He combed his hair in the mirror and looked at the clock quickly. �OK, good timing there� He said. I grabbed my purse. �Ready?� He smiled. I nodded and nervously smoothed my dress. �What�s wrong?� Paul asked. �I�ve never been to a nice restaurant, like ever� I said. �You don�t like them?� He asked. �I mean sometimes posh places are too uptight but sometimes they are nice� He said. �I dunno, I�m nervous.� I said. �Don�t be� He said. �But, people will be looking at you� I said. �Oh come on, Luv� He said. �Do I look alright?� I asked smoothing my dress down for the thousandth time. �Dead sexy� He said. He held his arm out. �Shall we?� He asked. I took his arm and smiled. �We shall.� I said. He opened the door. Only John was in the common room slouched on the couch watching TV. �Nell�s waiting down by the car.� John said looking up. �You look Lovely, Luv� John said. �Thank you� I said. �You�re looking kinda cute too� John said winking coyly at Paul. Paul smiled tightly. I noticed the tensed interaction between them ever since John kissed me. I smiled at him reassuringly. �Bye, John� I said as we walked out the door. �k, Bye, Be home by 11� He called jokingly. I smiled as Paul shut the door behind us. I leaned against him in the elevator and we went out the back way to the limo. The chilled air hit me and I shivered. Paul slid his arm up around my shoulders. Neil was talking friendly to the chauffeur. Paul opened the door for me and bowed shortly. I smiled and slid in the seat. He sat next to me and shut the door. �Alright, Bye guys, Have fun� Neil said waving. We waved back and we started on our way. I leaned into Paul and he slid his arm around my shoulders. I looked at him silently and smiled. He kissed me gently and I kissed him back. �Have I told you how beautiful you look?� He asked running his hand down my silkish dress. �Yes, but you can say it as much as you like� I said. He smiled and kissed me again. I kissed him intensely and he pulled away and kissed the corner of my mouth. �We�re here, sir� The chauffer said. �Oh, OK� Paul said. I giggled. He looked at me. �You stole my lip-gloss � I said rubbing it off with my fingers. He smiled and wiped his mouth with his hand. �It�s gone� I smiled. The chauffer opened the door and Paul got out and held his hand out for me. I took it and hooked my arm in his. We walked up to the entrance and walked in. Wow, this place was nice. very snazzy. I walked with Paul to the front and they seated us immediately. Paul pulled out my chair and I sat down. Wow Paul was being a real gentleman, no guy ever acted like this to me before, it was like something from an old movie. A couple others in the restaurant had looked at us when we walked in but I guess they were too polite here to stare, thank God. I was nervous as it was. We ordered and my nervousness melted away when I forgot where we were and just talked to Paul. Soon we were finished and it was time to go. We were in the limo driving around. �Let�s go dancing� Paul said. I smiled. �Lets� I agreed. Paul leaned forward and said something to the chauffer. We were soon at a poshish looking club. We went inside. It was very nice. We had a little table and sat down. We ordered our drinks and Paul picked up from our conversation. I took a drink of my white wine and Paul stood up and asked me to dance. I smiled and accepted, standing up. We moved to the dance floor and danced away. A slow song came on and I moved closer and slid my arms around his neck and his hands slid around my waist. I laid my cheek to his and he whispered in my ear as we swayed to the music. Another slow song proceeded it. I kissed Paul sweetly and laid my head on his shoulder hugging him tighter to me. He tightened his arms around me and soon we were just standing still on the dance floor swaying slightly. I kissed his neck as the song ended. He kissed me on the lips and we walked back to our table. We sat and drank our drinks talking softly to each other. It was getting late so we left and drove back to the hotel. We went to our room silently. The common room deserted. We changed silently and crawled into the warm bed. I put the necklace delicately in the box and shut it gently. I snuggled up to Paul. �Did you have fun tonight, Luv?� Paul asked. I nodded. �Oh, yeah, a lot of fun, thanks for taking me� I said. �And for the necklace� I added. He hugged me to him. �Anytime� He said. �I love you, Sarah� He said. I turned to him. �I love you too, Paul� I said. He kissed me and I kissed him deeply back. I yawned. He kissed the corner of my mouth. �Goodnight, Luv� He said. �Night, Paulie� I said. Turning and snuggling into a comfortable position. Paul wrapped his arm around my stomach and kissed my ear. I fell asleep like I always do, listening to Paul�s steady breathing. I woke to Paul kissing me all over my face. I stirred and blinked. �Morning, Luv� He said. I smiled. �Good morning� I said. I touched his hair and kissed him. He kissed me back and his hand traveled down my body. There was a knock on the door, it was John saying we had to go soon. We got ready, drove to the airport, had an uneventful plane ride and landed somewhere unbeknownst to me. We arrived at an airport filled with screaming girls and drove straight to a concert hall. Before I knew it we left and were relaxing at the hotel after dinner. I was sitting on Paul�s lap leaning back on his chest holding his hand in my lap. We were watching TV with the other guys. I had been thinking a lot that day while the others were doing concerts and practicing. I really loved Paul, u know, I did. But I had no idea where this was all going. I truly loved Paul more than anyone I had ever known. But I think maybe I was holding back from loving him all the way because...I was afraid. I didn�t know if he loved me so much, I mean I knew he loved me...I don�t know what�s going to happen. What about Linda? Did he love me more than her? would I ever find out? I could get pulled away from Paul at any moment, I don�t even know how the hell I got here. So I don�t know what could take me back. I was still torn about where I belonged. My mind was going a million thoughts a minute. I was afraid, refrained, doubtful, and confused. I shivered in the cold and looked at Paul. �I�m going outside, I�ll be right back.� I said. He looked at me a bit odd and I stood up. I opened the glass door and stepped onto the balcony. The cool air enveloped me but I sat down on the floor and stared up at the sky. The stars were beautiful and entrancing. I felt Paul sit next to me. �What�s wrong, Luv?� He asked putting his arm around my shoulders. �I dunno� I said slowly. �Well, I do� I corrected. �Tell me� Paul said softly. I turned to him and sat cross-legged in front of him. �I love you Paul� I said. He smiled smally. �I love you too, Sarah� He said quietly. �In fact, I love you more than anyone I�ve ever known.� I said slowly. He was looking at me listening, but I found his gaze comforting and incriminating at the same time, I flinched. �It�s OK if you don�t feel the same way but I-� I said quickly. �I do� He interrupted reassuringly. I smiled distractedly. �But, I�m still afraid.� I said. �Of what?� He said. �Of loving you, of you loving me, of what�s going to happen, what this is leading up to, what it means, everything.� I said. He set his hand on my knee. �Luv, You have reasons to be afraid, or doubtful. I understand. But I love you, really I do. I feel different with you, it�s really there. And to be truthful, I�m lucky that you love me, Sarah. Once you�ve lived, and been with different people, You know. You know who�s the right person. I know it hasn�t been that long but I�m serious about you Sarah, and that�s where this is going.� He said. I had no idea what that meant and I had no intent to ask. I was afraid to tell myself that it meant what I thought it did. �I�m afraid to love you though, like I�m waiting for something awful to happen.� I said. �Don�t, Don�t do that, I love you Sarah, Just Let it Be. We were meant to be together OK? don�t fight it.� He said. �I�m not fighting it� I said. �Just don�t� He said. I nodded slowly. �I love you Paulie� I said. �I love you too, Sarah� He said. He leaned forward and kissed me sweetly. I laid my arms around his neck and kissed him back. I pulled away and smiled at Paul. I looked to the sky and watched the stars twinkle. A shooting star lit the sky and I closed my eyes making a wish. Paul�s arm tightened around my waist. �Let�s go to bed, Luv� He said. I nodded and followed Paul through the doors and into the room. �Night, Guys� I said as we walked to the bedroom. �Night� chorused back. Paul shut the door behind him and I went through my routine, brushing my teeth, washing my face, changing. Paul laid down in bed and I slid in beside him. He kissed the corner of my mouth. I smiled and snuggled into him. Paul�s hand rubbed up and down my stomach slowly. His hand rubbed down below my waist and I tensed a bit, waiting to see what he was thinking of doing...like I didn�t already know. His hand slid inside my underwear and my whole body tensed. His hand rubbed harder on me and he slid his finger about me. I held his wrist and pulled his hand away. He groaned, �Don�t be such a tease� He said. I�m sure he couldn�t see the indignant look on my face as I pulled the covers up to my chin as I rolled my back to him. �I didn�t ask you to sleep here, you can leave, go sleep with John.� I said. I could just see the look on his face as the silence went on. �...well, I�d rather stay here, but I guess if you really want me to leave...I will� He said slowly. �Well if your going to be such a meanie fish.� I said, � ...I�m not ready for that.� I added quietly. � �Not ready� ...Do you mean...? ...Your a virgin?� He asked almost surprised. �yeah...� I said flinching with embarrassment under his gaze. I stared at the moonlight on the carpet. �oh, I didn�t know... I�m sorry, Luv� He said. �That�s OK� I said softly. �I�m sorry. I didn�t know� He repeated. He hugged me to him protectively, holding me like a fragile china doll. He kissed my cheek. �I�m sorry, I don�t want to push you, I didn�t know� He said for the umpteenth time. �It�s alright, Paul, I know you didn�t know, it�s OK.� I said assuring. �I don�t want to force you to do anything, I�ll wait until your ready.� He said reassuringly. �I�m sorry� I said. I think if I was him I�d be upset at me. �No, don�t be sorry, I understand, don�t worry about it. I love you, Sarah. I�d wait forever for you, no matter how much I want you.� He said. I kissed him silently and snuggled into him. �I love you too, Paul� I said quietly. He kissed me on the top of my head and held me to him. �G�night, Luv� He said. �Night� I said. I had too much on my mind tonight to even hear Paul�s breathing. PLEASE SIGN MY DREAMBOOK!!!! click here to sign Home Chapter 23 � Copyright 2002 by Sarah Lucey. International Copyrights Served. All Rights Reserved. This work may not be reproduced in part or in whole or transmitted in any form by any means without the permission of Sarah Lucey. |
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