| To Be Desired Chapter 18 I hesitated as I thought about what he said. � It�s funny� I said finally. �What?� He said. �How a kiss can make everything fall apart.� I said looking far away. �Naw, only if you let it.� He said. �I let it� I added. He shrugged. �well, there it is then.� He said. I looked at him. �I knew all along though� I said. He shook his head. �Remember that he�s sorry� He said. I just nodded and proceeded to put on my earphones. I listened to A Hard Day�s Night twice before we landed at, actually I didn�t know where we were. I packed my CD player away and stood up. I followed John down the Aisle. Paul was behind me. We walked out the door and down the stairs. The screams hit me as I walked down the steps. The Beatles did their waving routine and we got into our car. My ears were still ringing. It was silent the whole way to the hotel. Not a bad silent, kind of a tired silent. We all made it into the very nice hotel and up the elevator to a very nice suite on the top floor. Our cases were delivered by bell boys and I picked a room and set up a couple things in it. I walked back out to the room of Beatles watching TV. I sat down next to George and John. I pulled my legs up onto the couch and set my chin on my knees. �Luv, can we talk now?� Paul asked leaning back to see me. I bit my lip and shook my head still staring at the TV, not really seeing it. �I�d rather not� I said softly. �Come on Luv your not being fair� He said. I wasn�t was I? How awful, how hypocritical of me, I hate it when people don�t give me a chance to talk. I sighed slowly. �Who said I had to be fair?� I said. He looked at me. I bit my lips together and thought a bit. �Please?� He asked. I nodded slowly and stood up. He jumped up after me. I walked to the balcony and leaned against the railing staring into space. He followed me and shut the glass door. I could feel the others staring at us through the glass. I looked down off the balcony over the city. He took a step nearer. �Thanks� He said softly. I nodded. He took a deep breath. �Luv, I�m really sorry� He said looking apologetically at me. I looked into his eyes and my breathe caught in my throat. My stomach dropped to my feet. My heart ached in my chest. �Paul,� I started not knowing what to say. I turned my head away. �I wasn�t meself last night, Luv, really� He said almost pleading. �Well how am I supposed know when you�re yourself or not?� I asked regaining my anger. He looking down quickly. �Cos, I was being a bloody idiot and I promise I will never do this ever again� He said. I shook my head. �Your promises don�t mean what they used to.� I said. He looked at me. �What, do you want me to get on my knees and beg?� He asked. He dropped to his knees and clasped his hands together. �Please forgive me my love!� He said pleadingly. I bit my lip trying not to smile. �Get up, you look like a fool� He pouted his lips. �I am a fool, I�m a fool in love� He said, singing the last part. Being mad is when funny things don�t make you laugh. I looked at his lips and thought about how many girls he�s kissed with those lips. I shook my head slightly, that wasn�t supposed to matter. �Paul� I said In a serious voice. He jumped up from his kneeling position. I replayed the scene from last night and sighed. �Paul, you might be able to do that to your other girls but not me� I said feeling another wave of anger. �But, Luv-� He started. �I don�t want excuses, Paul� I said. �I don�t know that you wont do something like that again.� I said. �You don�t have the right to do that to me� I added. He nodded regretfully. �I�m really sorry� He repeated. I looked at him �I broke my mother�s crystal once and I said I was sorry, She told me being sorry doesn�t make the crystal whole.� I said. He stared at me. I stood up and walked towards the door. I pulled it open and walked into the room. Paul followed me. �I want you back, Luv� He said. I turned around. �What you want doesn�t matter anymore� I said angrily. He stood still I moved my posture. I felt something on my wrist and hit the ground. I looked down. The bracelet had fallen off, I hadn�t even touched it. I could see the clasp, it wasn�t broken at all. How odd. I stared at it for a minute. Should I pick it back up? I kicked it to Paul�s feet and turned around. I walked to my room and shut the door quietly. I bit my lip to keep from crying. I plugged in my CD player quickly and turned it up loud, before I fell onto my bed and burst out crying. I hugged my pillow to me as the sobs wracked my body and made my heart ache. *** Paul looked at the bracelet Sarah had kicked at his feet, while she walked away from him to her door, and shut it carefully. He stared at the bracelet for a minute wondering how the hell he got himself into such a huge mess, before he stooped to pick it up and dropped it carefully in his jacket pocket. He could feel everyone�s eyes on him as he straightened up and walked towards his room and shut the door behind him. He fell onto his bed and pulled the bracelet out and examined it in his fingers. I�ve really fucked up this time. He sighed and flipped the I.D. to see Sarah�s name. He reflected it in the sun streaming through the window wishing that it wasn�t in his hand and Sarah was wearing it instead. I�m getting her back no matter what I have to do. He took the bracelet and dropped it back into his pocket. no matter what. The door opened and John walked in, shutting the door behind him. Paul�s eyes followed him as he walked around Paul�s bed and sat on his own bed. He stared at Paul. Paul studied John before returning his gaze to the ceiling. �Are you alright?� John asked. Paul sighed and nodded. �Yeah, I�m OK� He said slowly. John looked at him skeptically. �I�m going to get her back� Paul said. John look at him. �How do you figure on doing that, then?� John asked. Paul looked at him for a second before shrugging.*** I cried until my throat hurt and I couldn�t breathe. I buried my face in my pillow and sighed internally. There was a knock on my door and I feared who was behind it. I cleared my throat. �Who is it?� I called, rubbing my eyes. �It�s John, Luv� I heard over the music. I turned it off and sat up. �Come in� I said. The door opened and John walked in and shut the door behind him. He sat down on the edge of my bed. �Are you alright?� He asked. I shook my head. �No� I answered. He put his arm around me. �Guess what? Tonight, after the press conference, we are going clubbing, you can meet a guy and kiss him right in front of Paul� He said with an evil smile. I laughed. �Oh, yay� I said. John was a really nice guy I thought. He was meanie fishish before, I dunno why. �You don�t need him, anyroad� He added. I nodded slowly and hugged him. �thanks, John� I said. �You didn�t like me before did you?� I asked. He looked at me a bit confused. �You weren�t very nice to me before� I said. He looked down. �yeah� He trailed off. �I�m sorry. I kinda thought you were into Paul for the wrong reasons, you know� He said slowly. I looked at him. �But, I know you�re not, I was just being stupid, You just hafto watch out now. When you�re a Beatle things aren�t as easy as they used to be.� He said quickly. I nodded slowly, I understood what he meant, it just kinda hurt to think he thought of me that way. �It�s OK� I said softly. He looked at me skeptically. I waved it away. �I have more important things to worry about, now� I said. �Don�t worry over Paul� John said. I smiled. �No, I meant what I was going to wear tonight, I gotta look sexy when I kiss this guy� I joked. �You always do� He said winking. I laughed. He smiled wickedly. �OK well, we�ve gotta go soon� He started getting up. �OK� I said. �Good Luck, Have fun� I said as he started walking towards the door. He gave me a thumbs up and smiled before opening my door and stepping out. �Bye, Luv� He said. �Bye� I waved as he shut the door behind him. I sighed involuntarily and fell back onto my bed. How�d I get into this? Paul did it, he pulled me into this mess. I felt awful. My stomach was in knots and my heart hurt. I pushed myself up to the top of the bed and slid under the covers to go to bed. Everything is better after I sleep. I took off my pants and threw them on the chair by my bed. I pulled my covers to my chin and turned over, snuggling into my pillow. My mind was running a mile a minute and it was hard falling asleep. I took a deep breath and rolled over again. I cleared my mind and closed my eyes before falling into a restless sleep. I turned over and woke up. I rubbed my eyes and sat up. I felt a bit better, I didn�t sleep that long but it helped. I got up and got dressed. I fixed my hair better and left into the common room. There was absolutely no one in this suite. I sat down on the couch. I pulled my feet onto the seat. The silence was deafening. It pressed upon my ears until they were ringing with silence. I was drowning in it. I turned on the TV and sat back down. I had no clue what was on, I didn�t care. I felt so empty so alone. I really had no one in the world. I had never been alone in my life, when you have a big family you are never alone. But now I had no family to turn to, no friends, no anyone. Do you know what it feels like to have absolutely no one in the world? I was the only person who really knows me. John�s a nice friend but we aren�t close, Paul is farther now than ever, the other two Beatles I don�t really know. No one. I felt SOO alone, my stomach hurt so bad I doubled over. I burst out crying and pulled my knees to my chest as I cried into them. You don�t know how bad it feels to be the only person in world of millions. I heard the door open and the guys walk in but I didn�t care. �Are you alright, Luv?� Paul asked his voice weighted with concern. I was crying so bad I couldn�t say anything. John walked up to me and set a hand on my shoulder. Paul was looking at me sadly. �Luv, If you�re going to get so upset then I wont bother you anymore. I�ll leave you alone. OK?� He said softly. I hugged my knees tighter. Did I really want that? I couldn�t talk anyway. I cried harder. I guess Paul left sometime around now, but I couldn�t tell. John sat down next to me and slid his arm around my back. �Luv, calm down, He�s definitely not worth you getting so upset.� He said reassuringly. I shook my head. I cried until I ran out of tears. John rocked me slightly until I calmed down. It was silent again, but more of a calming silence. �Are you Ok?� John finally spoke. �I�m just peachy� I said sarcastically into my knees. I pulled my head up and rubbed my eyes. �It�s OK, He said he�d leave you alone now� John said. �Maybe I don�t want him to leave me alone� I said. �Besides that not the whole reason.� I added. �What else?� He asked. �I�m alone� I said. �I mean as alone as you could ever be, I have no family and no friends� I said. He looked at me. �So I�m not a friend?� He asked. �No, you are, it�s just everything disappeared so quickly, No one knows me.� I said. �I understand� He said. �No you don�t� I responded. �You don�t know, no one does� I said. He nodded. �I guess not exactly� He said. �It�s such an empty feeling� I said. �You don�t know what it feels like not to exist� I said. He touched my arm. �Look you exist� He said. �Not technically� I pointed out. �Well, you�re real� He said. I shook my head. �Maybe Im not� I said. �Maybe this is all a dream� I added, He shook his head. �I�m here� He said. �Maybe you�re in my dream, everyone is, because this can�t be real anyway, I�m not real� I said. He shook his head. �No, you are here and you�re real� He said. I looked at him. �Maybe� I said. �This is all so confusing� I said. �Well, it shall confuse you no more� John started. �Because we are going out now so go get ready� He said winking at me. I smiled and got up. �alright� I said. I went in my room and took a quick shower, blow dried my hair and brushed my teeth. I searched my case for what to wear until I found an outfit. I put on my black spaghetti strap shirt, my short jean skirt with my favorite tan belt. It had little stars punched out of it in different sizes. I found my tanish corduroy jacket and slipped it on. I pulled on my strappy black shoes and applied some makeup. I checked myself in the mirror, The skirt was kinda short. I did a test in front of the mirror and bent over to see if it was OK. A half inch shorter and It would be too short. Good. I straightened out my clothes and grabbed my purse before walking back into the common room. Everyone was sitting waiting. My steps slowed when I saw everyone but I kept walking towards them. They all stood up when they saw me. �You look fabulous� Paul said. I nodded. �Absolutely ravishing� John said winking. I laughed. �Thanks� I said. Everyone had already started for the door. I draged myself after them. �Where are we going?� I asked catching up to John. �I dunno, some club around here.� He said. �Thank you, how insightful� I said joking. He smiled. �No Problem� He said. We had an uneventful drive through the alleyways to the back of the club. We all got out and walked inside. The air was thick with smoke and it smelt of alcohol. I coughed slightly walking in and squinted through the smoke looking around. The music was loud. We got to a table and sat down around it. I ordered a scotch and coke as did mostly everyone else. They all started Smoking and drinking and talking about stuff I had no idea of. My mind drifted off. John looked at me expectantly. �What?� I asked snapping out of it. John sighed and rolled his eyes. �Nevermind� He said. I nodded staring back at my drink. I took a drink and set it back down. This is quite boring. I stood up and straightened my skirt. �I�ll be right back� I said. I walked towards the bathrooms and walked through the door. I sighed and stared at myself in the mirror. Why was I here? What was I doing? Why was everything so wrong? They weren�t even talking to me, what�s the use in going back? I sighed and ran my hand through my hair before walking back out into the club. I was walking back my eyes set at the table when I walked right into some guy. I stumbled back a bit. He grabbed my arm before I fell. I stood up and took a deep breath. �Are you OK?� The guy asked over the music. I nodded. �Sorry� I said looking up at him. Wow he was cute. I smiled. He smiled back and looked me up and down. He had an awesome smile. �I�m Nathan� He said. �I�m Sarah� I said back. �Hey, Would you like to dance?� He asked suddenly. I smiled wider and nodded. �Sure� I said. �Great� He said. He took my hand and Pulled me to the dance floor. �I dunno how to dance really� I shouted over the music. He smiled. �that�s OK, Follow me� He said. He started dancing to the music. I copied his moves through a couple songs. �See, You�re a great dancer� He said. I smiled. �Thanks� I replied. A slow song started. He pulled me to him and slid his arms around my waist. I slid my arms around his shoulders. I looked at him. He had gorgeous eyes, they were deep brown and he had long sexy eye lashes. They weren�t as adorable as Paul�s but they were pretty. His lips were medium and normal but his smile was the most adorable thing. He was a bit taller than Paul which was kind of tall but I could still reach him. I mentally kicked myself for comparing him to Paul. I�m sure Nate would never do what Paul did to me to anybody. I laid my head on his chest and swayed to the music. I hadn�t noticed before but we had somehow maneuvered our way right in front of the Beatle table. I didn�t look at them and tried to dance away from them. I pulled my head back and looked at him. He was so adorable. He brought his face down and gently kissed me. I was surprised. I kissed him back, it wasn�t the same, Paul was so much better. I pulled away and laid my head back down . I felt a tap on my shoulder and I turned my head around. �May I?� John asked implying if he could dance. Nate looked at me in surprise. I smiled, I had forgotten it was the John Lennon. I looked to Nate. He nodded. �Sure� He smiled. I nodded to him. �Thanks for the dance� I said. �No problem, Find me when you�re done� He said. I nodded as John stepped in front of me and slid his arms around my waist. I slid my hands over his shoulders. He smiled at me. �You did it� He said. �what?� I asked confused. �You kissed a guy and made Paul Jealous� He explained. I did? �Paul�s jealous?� I asked. John nodded. �Yeah� He said winking. I never really wanted to make him jealous, I wanted to tell him he was a better kisser and have him show me again. �He wants to dance with you, you know� John said. I looked at him. �How do you know?� I asked. �Because he told me so� He said. �Oh� I said. �Then why doesn�t he come ask me?� I asked. He looked at me. �You want him to? Aren�t you still mad at him?� He asked. I shrugged. I don�t really stay mad at people for too long. � I�m not steaming at the ears but I still think he�s wrong and everything, He�s a nice guy, besides the obvious.� I said. John nodded and smiled. �What?� I asked. �You still love him, admit it.� He said slyly. I smiled. �I never said I didn�t love him anymore, I do still, I�m just...disappointed I guess� I said. He nodded. �What he did was kinda mean� He said. I shook my head. �What about you? You�re doing more than kissing with girls and you�re married� I criticized. He flinched. �I knew that would come up sooner or later� He said. �Yes, But she�s not in the room with me, she�s not even in the country with me.� He said. I shrugged. I guess that was more logical. �You guys should just stop being mad and sorry and just forget about it and be together, Cause I know that�s what Paul wants and I know its what you want� He said. I tilted my head to the side slightly. That made sense. �I would but you know, It�s not what�s in the past that bothers me it�s the future. How do I know he wont do this again or perhaps something worse, Because I don�t like being treated that way� I said. John smiled. �See you hafto-� He started before He was interupted by a tap on his shoulder. I looked up. It was Paul. �Mat I cut in?� Paul asked. John nodded smiling and stepped back. He gave Paul a deep look and turned after giving me a wink. I smiled at John. He was great. Paul stepped before me and slid his hands to my hips. I slid my arms to his shoulders as a new slow song started. This DJ needs to be shot. Paul slid his arms around my waist and pulled me to him. I tensed when my body touched him and pulled back. He pulled me back. �You danced closer with John� He protested. I did. I slid my arms farther over his shoulders and swayed to the music slowly, trying to ignore his smell. But it was good and I missed it and I couldn�t. I was hypnotized by it. He hugged me closer to him and swayed with his cheek on my head. I leaned against him. I no longer heard the music, because it didn�t matter. I was captivated. Because I still loved him. We got to the point where we weren�t really moving anymore, before the dance ended and I snapped out of it. I pulled away slowly and he let his hands slid back to my hips. He stared at me unsure. He leaned in slowly to kiss me, I turned my face and it landed on my cheek. He pulled away and I returned his kiss. �Thanks for the dance� He said softly, disappointed. I nodded. �Anytime� I said smiling sadly. He smiled ruefully back. I stood there alone as I watched him walk away. I felt like crying. Nate walked up to me and touched my elbow. �Want to dance?� He asked. I looked at him and smiled. �Sure� I said. He pulled me to him. We swayed to the music. I realized I liked dancing with Paul better and Nate wasn�t as great as I had originally thought and I missed him so much my stomach hurt. �What�s wrong?� Nathan asked. I looked at him. �Nothing� I said. I smiled sadly. �But, I think my party is leaving now� I said. I knew they weren�t, probably soon though. �Oh� He said with disappointment. �Sorry� I said. He smiled �That�s OK� He said. �Thanks for dancing with me, it was fun� I said. He smiled. �My pleasure� He said. He took my hand and kissed it. I smiled and started walking away. �Goodbye� I said. He waved and turned to go back to the bar. I maneuvered my way back to the table and resumed my original seat. �Have fun?� John asked. I shrugged. �Sure� I said. I looked around the table at the guys with drinks and girls, Paul wasn�t there. I looked at John, he was smiling. �He�s dancing with some bird, over there� He turned. I looked over his shoulder. He was. Really close actually. Provocative. I looked at John and shrugged. He could dance with whomever he wanted. But it still hurt because he was supposed to still love me and even though I danced with Nate, he wasn�t supposed to dance with someone else. Cause that�s how it works. But it didn�t, I guess he didn�t get the memo. I pretended I didn�t care and stole John�s drink, since mine was watered down and warm. I took a gulp and gave it back. �Sure you can have some� He said. I smiled �thank you John dear� I said sarcastically sweet. He smiled and nodded. Paul walked up to the table with his dance partner. He was hugging her loosely to his hip. He looked a bit drunk, she looked... slutty. I wrinkled my nose in distaste. If he was going to get back at me he might as well do it with good taste. I felt everyone�s eyes on me. I knew I wasnt supposed to care, because I had done the same thing with Nate, But he wasn�t supposed to do it too. But I cared anyway. I felt the tears prick my eyes and I smiled smally, forcing them away. John looked at me skeptically. I grabbed his drink and downed the rest of it. His eyes jumped to his watch and he started to stand. �We should probably get going, it�s getting late� John said. Everyone got up and said goodbye to their dance partners from the night. I stood and grabbed my purse, rubbing the corners of my eyes. Everyone started for the door. John touched my elbow. I looked up at him. He looked me sympathetically. I smiled and even giggled. Why should I let Paul ruin my day anyway? I hooked my arm in his and pulled him towards the door. We were the last to the car and I stepped in first. I sat next to Paul. John followed me in and sat at the end shutting the door. I Sat back and pretended Paul wasn�t sitting so close I could smell him. The car drove towards the hotel. I pulled the straps on my sandals and pulled my shoes off. My feet hurt so bad from dancing so much. I looked across the limo. The other side was in conversation. I was too afraid to look at Paul. I turned to John not knowing what to say. He was staring out the window. I shook my head unnoticeably and sat back against the seat. I Stared at my legs waiting for the car to stop so I could go in my room. We finally got to the hotel and filed out. My feet froze instantly when I stepped onto the ground barefoot. I squeaked and walked faster jumping over the threshold, warming my feet on the carpet. We made our way to the elevators and up to the suite. I said �goodnight� to everyone and closed myself in my room. I changed into my black sweat shorts, a red tank top, and warm socks. I slid into the bed and snuggled against the pillows. The sheets were cold and chilled me. I shivered and wished Paul were here to warm me up. I mentally slapped myself and laid motionless, tired. I fell asleep after a bit of drifting in and out of drowsiness waves. ~*~ Paul was sitting on a chair with a guitar in his lap. He was strumming a song I couldn�t hear. He was staring at a paper at his feet and looking back to the fret constantly. He was deep in thought and the look on his face was adorable. He started singing the song, I couldn�t hear it. He blurred away grainily until he disappeared.~*~ I woke suddenly and wished I could have pulled him from my dream and hugged him for real. My heart ached. My stomach hurt. Alone was not the best feeling. I stood up, abandoning the warmth of my bed. I searched through my suitcase before pulling Paul�s dress shirt from my pile of clothes. I fell back into my bed and pulled the shirt to my face. I could smell him strongly on it. I wished I was clinging to him instead of his shirt. I missed him so much, despite what he�d done to me. I should probably just leave, I was just a nuisance. I could go get a job, rent an apartment, start a new life. They didn�t need me here. I started crying desperately into Paul�s shirt. I felt someone watching me and woke startled from my restless sleep. I opened my eyes. John was sitting on the end of my bed. I looked at him. �What are you doing in here?� I asked. �I�m supposed to wake you up� He said. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. �What�s that?� John asked smiling, looking at my lap. I looked down at where the covers had fallen off me. Paul�s shirt lay over my lap. I grabbed the cuff and played with it nervously. �Paul�s shirt� I said. John shook his head. �His shirt huh?� He asked. I nodded slowly before giving in. �I miss him so much� I said dropping my head into my hands. �It�s so weird to miss someone when they�re standing right in front of you� I explained. He grabbed my wrist and pulled my hands from my face. He lifted my chin with his finger. �Why are you doing this?� He asked. �What?� I asked. �Doing this to yourself, he�s right outside that door, Luv, go jump him.� He said. I smiled and shook my head a fraction of a bit. �I dunno, I mean I already forgive him for what he did before but he�s Paul McCartney, how do I know he wont do it again?� I said. John smiled. �That�s easy� He started. �You hafto trust him, I know damn well, he�s told you he was sorry and it wouldn�t happen again, repeatedly. You hafto trust him� He said. �And you can�t be sure of everything all the time, you hafto take risks, but believe me, this isn�t as big of a risk as you think� John said. I sat in thought. �I�m going to take a shower, I�ll go out when I�m done� I said. He nodded and left silently, so I could think. I took a long shower thinking it over. John was right. I hadn�t thought about it like I didn�t trust him, I do. I just don�t want to get hurt and that�s a big risk to me. You can�t risk anything more important. And I was so confused I couldn�t even think. I stayed in the shower until my hands were pruney, before I got out. I brushed my teeth and hair and changed back into my pajamas. I opened the door and steam diffused into the cool air of my room. I walked to the mirror rubbing my head vigorously with the towel. I looked at myself in the mirror before something caught my eye. In the mirror I could see my bed behind me. On the covers was a folded letter and a single, beautiful, long stemmed rose. Chapter 19 Home This is copyrighted by Sarah Lucey and may not be reproduced in anyway without permission., Permission may be obtained. |
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