To Be Desired Chapter 19 I stared at it, through the mirror, for what seemed like forever. Afraid to open it, yet desperate to read it. Paul�s handwriting scrolled �Sarah�, on the front of the folded paper, with a heart through it. The towel I had clung to, dropped from my hands, forgotten in a heap on the floor. I turned around slowly and walked to my bed, and sat in front of the letter cross legged. I picked up the rose carefully and brought it to my face. It smelled so good. I ran my thumb over one of the scarlet petals. It felt like silk. It was beautiful. I laid it carefully beside me and picked up the letter. I opened the first flap and then the other and took a deep breath before reading the tri-folded letter. Dearest Sarah, I�m sorry, I know I�ve said that too many times to count, but it�s true. I don�t know how else to say it. I never meant to hurt you, ever. I want you back so bad. I love you. I love you. I love you. I know you�re mad at me, and you should be, I was just being stupid. I promise it will never happen again, ever. I love you. You don�t know what you have until it�s gone. And maybe I just didn�t realize. I missed you every second and now I miss you so much more. I wished you were with me all the time. Because thinking we�ll never be together makes my heart ache. So I try not to think, but that�s even harder. Please forgive me, I�ll do anything. I�m sitting here writing this, pouring my heart out, not even knowing if what I�m writing is making sense, and fearing what you�re going to say. If you say you don�t care about me, I think I�d die. Because I know you loved me before, I have to know if you love me now. If what I did made you not love me,...I don�t even want to think about it. John told me that you doubt me now. I don�t blame you, I�d probably doubt myself. I don�t know what to do to make you trust me. If you�d give me a chance to prove it, I�d show you. I loved you from the first time I ever saw you. I saw you and I thought you were gorgeous and the first time I talked to you, I knew that you were the smartest girl I had ever met. I love the look in your eyes every time I see you. Like the happy sarcastic look. I love your optimism no matter how many things are going wrong, and how you always put people in there place, even me. I love how much of a smart ass you are. I love how you will stand up for what you believe in and never back down when you know you�re right. I love how you can argue people into the ground, how you can win every time no matter what you�re arguing. I love how you call me Paulie, because no one else does. I love how you kiss me like no one else, you make me feel like I matter. I love how you hug me, Because hugs are the best and your�s are even better. I love how you don�t put up with my shit just cause I�m a Beatle(everyone else does, maybe I got too used to it). I love your eyes, they�re the most beautiful eyes I�ve ever seen. I love your hair. I Love how you love my hair, and how you play with it. I love how ticklish you are. I love how you don�t care what other people think. I love how you don�t care when you don�t have to and how you care a lot when you need to. I love how you�re always happy. I love how you think about things. I love how you love me, and most of all I love you. I love you so much. I want you to love me back. Forgive me. Forgive me, because I�m sorry, I really am. And I never meant to do anything wrong. Because "people are morons" and I did something wrong. And you�re right. I need you. Please come back. My heart still belongs to you. Love Always and Forever, Paulie I couldn�t breathe. I chocked on the air and broke down crying. I took a deep breath and picked up the rose beside me and smelt it. It smelled wonderful. It was beautiful. I pulled it to me along with the letter and stood up. I ran my hand through my damp hair and opened my door. John, George, and Ringo were sitting on the couch with there backs to me watching the TV on their right. Paul was sitting alone on the couch facing me. He was biting his thumbnail and staring at the general area of the TV. I could tell he wasn�t watching it. He was staring. I walked closer. He looked so good. I choked. I walked quietly towards him. He looked up at me. I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my hand and stepped in front of him. He looked at me, apprehensive. I dropped into his lap and threw my arms around him tightly. Crying into his shoulder. His arms tightened around me. �It�s alright, Luv, don�t cry� He said softly. I tightened my arms around his neck. I was probably choking him. The rose stem was digging into my wrist. I knew the end was poking Paul�s neck but I didn�t want to move. I cried tears of relief and love and hurt into his shirt. His hand ran up and down my back. �shhh� He said soothingly. I felt the rose and letter pulled from my grasp. I turned my head. John set them on the table and disappeared into his room, the others were already gone. �I�m sorry� I said between sobs. He hugged me tighter. �No, no, you�ve nothing to be sorry about.� He said. I shook my head internally. �I�m sorry� He said. �So sorry� He added in a whisper. �It�s Ok� I choked out. �I love you� I said. He ran his hand across my back. �I love you too� He said. I finally stopped crying. I pulled my head up to actually look at Paul�s face. He wiped the tears off my face with his thumb. I rubbed my eyes and took a deep breathe. I barely saw him before he kissed me feverishly. I slid my arms back around his neck and kissed him back. I missed him so much. I pulled back finally to breathe. I was so glad I was here. He loved me. I hugged him and laid my cheek against his, breathing in his ear. I ran my hand up through his hair. I pulled back and tugged on a piece of his bangs. He smiled at me and put his hand under my chin and kissed me again. Gently. I kissed him back. He pulled away and stroked my dampish hair. I set my wrists on his shoulders. �I�m sorry, Luv� He said softly. I looked at him. �If you say that one more time, I�m going to hafto slap you� I said jokingly. He smiled. �Ok Ok� He said. �But I am� He added. I shook my head. �I know, It�s Ok.� I said reassuringly. �I�m sorry too� I said. �I was being meanie fishish to you� I added. He shook his head. �No you weren�t. It�s my fault. All my fault, don�t be sorry� He said. I looked at him. �I missed you, Paulie� I said. He smiled. �I missed you too� He said. �A lot� He added. I smiled. �Did you mean all those things u said in the letter?� I asked. He nodded. �Every single word� He said. �Aww, Then Thanks, it�s really nice� I said. He smiled. �It�s all true� He said. I smiled. �You really love all those things about me?� I asked. He nodded, �even more� He said. �I was running out of space, I had to stop� he said. I smiled. �Thanks� I said. �Anytime� He said. I laughed. He reached in his pocket and pulled out my bracelet. He took it�s clasp and put it on my wrist. He turned it around so the ID was on top. I smiled. He�s mine mine mine again. �I Love you Sarah, don�t forget it� He said. I smiled. �Like I would� I said jokingly. �I love you too.� I said. I loved saying that and especially hearing it. I smiled at Paul. He smiled back and slid his hands to my hips. He trailed his fingers back up my sides, I squirmed. He slid them back down. I squirmed away and started giggling. He started tickling me even more. I laughed and squirmed away until I fell onto the couch next to him. He kept tickling me until I fell onto the floor and pushed myself away from the couch trying to catch my breath. �Stop it� I said mock scoldingly. He pouted. Oh god, too cute. I laughed. �I mean it� I said. �actually I don�t� I amended standing up. �Aren�t you ticklish?� I asked. I tickled his sides. He squirmed away and grabbed my wrists and held them together. I struggled to free them. �Leggo� I whined. He smiled and pulled me onto his lap. He started kissing me and let go of my hands. I slid them around his neck and opened my mouth to him. He slid his arms around my waist. I hugged him tighter. A door opened and John came out of his room. �Get a room� He said loudly. I laughed and pulled away. I looked at him. He smiled and winked falling onto the couch. He looked toward the TV. �proceed� He said waving his hand. I shook my head and turned towards the TV. I took Paul�s hand and held it in my lap. I had no clue what we were watching. It was a comedy showish, it was really funny. The commercials were hilarious though. Very primitive. Paul�s hand slid from my knee up my leg. He slid his finger under the hem of my shorts before he slid his arm around my waist, laying his head on my shoulder. I slid my hand over his and leaned farther into him. The other door opened and George and Ringo joined us. �I assume you made up?� Ringo asked smiling, seeing us. (I was sitting on Paul�s lap facing the TV, his arm around me laying across my waist and his chin rested on my shoulder. I had my hand over his arm and was leaning back comfortably.) I smiled back and nodded. �Congratulations� He said collapsing on the couch. �Thanks� I said softly looking back at the TV. John reached over and pulled my letter off the table grinning evilly. �Ha, Now I can finally read it.� He said. Paul started as if to jump up and grab it from him but he relaxed and tightened his arm around me, hugging me tighter to him. �Paul, wouldn�t let me read it before� He explained to my strange look at him. I nodded smally. He read it and �ooh�ed and laughed at parts. I rolled my eyes. �Awwwwww� He whined finishing it. �That was soooo sweet� He said dramatically. �I think I�m going to cry� he said in a �going to cry� voice. Paul blushed a bit. I laughed as did everyone else. �Lemme read� George said. �Oh, I�ll read it to you� John said. �Dearest Sarah, I�m sorry, I know I have said this-� He started. �Hey, stop it� Paul whined blushing even more. I put my hand to his cheek. He was burning up. I giggled. �You�re hot� I said taking my hand off. �Thanks� He said smiling loverly. I laughed and shook my head. John smiled mischievously and folded it back up. �Fine� He threw it to George. �Hey, Don�t hurt it, I want that.� I said scoldingly. George opened it nicely. �I�ll take care of it� He said winking. I leaned back. These people were crazy, I loved them. He finished the letter. �Beautiful� He said wiping away a fake tear and setting on the table. �I know� I said. �What are we doing todayish?� I asked Paul. �Concerts, afternoon and evening� He said checking his watch. �Actually you should probably get dressed� He said. �dressed? I�m wearing clothes� I said mock argumentatively. I peeled Paul�s arm from me and scooted off him. He held my arm and pulled me closer to kiss me. I kissed him back gently and broke away. �I�ll be right back� I said to him, smiling. I stole my letter and rose and walked towards my room. I walked in and closed the door behind me. I set my rose carefully on my dresser along with the letter and started through my suitcase. I picked out my dusty looking jeans with the leather tie instead of buttons or zippers. I decided on my black low-cut shirt. I looked in the mirror. I could see my Paul necklace laying against my skin. I touched it. Did Paul want me to wear this? I wondered. It was kind of, idolistic Like worshiping. I pondered between taking it off or not, playing with it between my fingers. I decided I should. I was his girlfriend now, not his groupie. I unlatched it carefully and set it next to my rose on the dresser. I applied some makeup, avoiding the lip gloss. It would just be all over Paul in a few minutes anyway. I checked myself in the mirror once more before going back to the common room. George and John and Ringo were still sitting around watching TV. Paul got up from his place at the table, writing something, when he saw me come in. I walked over to him and hugged him. �You look great� He said softly. �Thanks� I said. He kissed me loverly. I kissed him back and laid my chin on his shoulder. �I missed you� He said into my ear. �I was only gone ten minutes� I said to him. �Ten minutes too many� He said hugging me tighter. I kissed his cheek, keeping my chin on his shoulder still. I slid my hands through his hair. �When are we leaving?� I asked. He looked at his watch over my shoulder. �Like a half an hour� He said. I nodded and laid my head on his chest, hugging him closer. �Will you guys quit being so lovey dovey?� John said. �It�s sickening�. I knew he was joking. �Shut up, John� I said quickly. He laughed. I rolled my eyes and turned my face into Paul�s neck. The smell of his aftershave was almost overwhelming. It smelled more familiar than anything ever had. Like it had been with me my whole life, but the familiarity of it didn�t dilute it. It smelled sweet and spicy at the same time. Like Old Spice and Lavender. And I could smell cigarettes faintly mixed in. But it was mostly just Paul. It was just him, just how he smelled without it. It was intoxicating. I loved the smell of things but I had never cared so much. It never mattered really. But this did, I could almost feel his smell. Like, if it were to vanish the world would fall off its axis. The world had never depended on a smell so much. My world. I remembered when I didn�t have him and if he vanished my world would fall off it�s axis. I loved him and I needed him here. I hugged him tighter. �I love you, Paul� I said softly, almost whispering. �I love you too, Sarah� He said in the same tone. He pulled back a tiny bit and kissed me gently. John gagged on the other side of the room. I looked at him disapprovingly. He smiled. �What�s up with you?� I asked. �You�re the one who wanted us back together in the first place� I said. He shrugged. �It was inevitable.� He said. I nodded. �yeah� I agreed. Paul hugged me tighter to him. The door opened and Neil came in. �Sorry fellas, we gotta go now� He announced. Everyone got up lifelessly and trudged out the door. Me and Paul trailed behind in the hallway. We all squeezed into the elevator. Paul leaned against the wall. I leaned back against him. The elevator stopped at the first floor and we all filed out and headed for our ever trusty back entrance with our ever trusty limo waiting. We all stepped in. Like a routine. This never ended. It was pretty silent on the way there and we got into our dressing room at the venue. everyone fell onto furniture placed sporadically in the room. Paul and I were snuggleish on the couch. I was sitting probably as close as I could get to him, on his right. Leaning against his chest. He had his arm around me and was playing with the ends of my hair, laying on the front of my shirt. I was almost falling asleep. I felt relaxed and tired from the emotional roller coaster of the past days. I sighed softly and closed my eyes, drifting to sleep. I woke up quickly when my head was gently set on the couch. I opened my eyes slowly and blinked. �Sorry, Luv, I didn�t mean to wake you� I heard Paul whisper. I shook my head. stretching my arms over my head. �No, it�s ok� I said. My body felt cold without Paul next to me, keeping me warm. �Sleep well?� He asked. I nodded. �until you left� I said. He smiled. �Come on, Paul� I heard John across the room. �Sorry, Luv, I gotta go do the concert now� He said hurriedly. He pushed my hair away from my face. �You stay here and rest, I�ll be back soon� He said. He kissed me quickly. �I love you� He said softly. I smiled sleepily. �I love you too� I said. �Paul� John said impatiently. �coming� He said. He grabbed his guitar quickly. �Bye Paulie, Bye guys, have fun� I said loudly. They all waved and Paul blew me a kiss as he shut the door quickly following the others. I stood up slowly and stretched. I found a drink cart and pulled off a Dr. Pepper. I fell back onto the couch looking around the now vast space of dressing room. I missed Paul. How pathetic. It had only been a minute. If that. And I missed him. Sad. I sighed and turned on the TV. Nothing was on of course. I had no idea what would be on anyway. I just left it on a channel and watched whatever was on, not really watching it. I laid down on the couch and snuggled deeper into it, thinking about Paul. He was adorable. And so sweet. I loved him. I couldn�t believe this at all. This couldn�t be happening if you thought about it. Could I really be in 1966? It seemed to unreal to even think it. But here I was. And in love with Paul McCartney. I shook my head. This was either a huge miracle or a huge mistake. But I didn�t care. I loved him and he loved me and I was going to make the best of it. When do that, you never look back and say �Man, I wish I had sulked and pondered about it more�. I gulped the rest of my soda. I sat watching the show a bit before the door opened and the guys came in all tired and sweaty. �Hey, Luv� Paul said. �Hey� I said. Paul pulled his jacket off and unbuttoned the first button, yanking his tie down. �God, it is so hot� He said. The guys had towels and wiped their faces and necks off. Paul grabbed a coke and fell down on the couch next to me. He opened it and drank half of it in one gulp. He sighed and laid back against the couch. His face was reddish and I could almost feel heat radiating from him. �Does it really get that hot out there?� I asked. He nodded. �It�s worse when it�s small like this� He said. I pushed his damp bangs up from his face and blew on his hair line. He closed his eyes. �We need a fan in here� He said. �Tell me about it� John said trying to fan himself with a program. I Leaned against Paul. �Were you terribly bored?� Paul asked clasping my hand with his. �No not at all� I said. I fingered his cuff. I unbuttoned it and started rolling it up to his elbow. I took his other arm. �What are you doing?� He asked. �rolling up your sleeves� I said like, �Duh�. �So your arms aren�t hot� I said. He nodded and smiled before looking at John with an �Oooooooookaaaaaaaay� kinda look. �Well fine� I said. I slid my hand down his arms unrolling them. I shook my head. �Always hafto go raining on my parade huh, Paul?� I said standing up and walking to the drink cart. �I was just kidding, Luv� He said. I took a Dr. Pepper. �funny, So was I� I said smiling. �I�m always kidding...except when I�m not� I said. He smiled at me. �Never know with you� He said. I smiled. �My brother used to say that to me all the time� I said. �Mikey?� Paul asked. I looked at him quickly and nodded. �How�d you know him?� I asked walking back to the couch and sitting next to Paul. �Cause you never shut up about him.� He said. I smiled. �oh� I said smiling. �yeah� I said. �He�s the best brother, he�s prolly the coolest person I�ve ever known� I said. He nodded smally and pulled me to him. �tell me about him.� He said. I smiled thinking of him. �Well he was the most generous person I had ever met. He used to buy me stuff all the time, and take me places.� I started. �He knew all my crazy obsessions, When I was younger. Our family would have parties and he�d be the one to supply Dr. Pepper for me. He knew how much I loved the color red, no one else in my family prolly did. No one cared how much I was obsessed with the Beatles except for him. He bought me CD�s and listened to them, told me about stuff with them. He was really patient especially with me being so annoying, don�t know how he put up with me really. He was hilarious. Whenever you were with him you had to laugh. He beats a joke into the ground and makes it funny again. He�s just naturally funny. He�s really nice too. When my family fought he would try to calm everyone down and call them after to make sure it was alright and make peace kinda. He used to hug me when I cried and tell me it was alright and then he�d make me laugh.� I rambled remembering all my best times with him. The tears were burning the back of my eyes but I didn�t want to cry. I forced them away. Paul hugged me tight to him. �And there I go talking too much� I added. �no. He sounds like a great brother� He said softly kissing my cheek. �I wish I had one� He said jokingly. �Your brother annoying?� I asked trying not to cry. �Yes� He said. �But, he�s Ok sometimes� He said. I laughed. �how nice� I said. He shrugged. �Paulie, what time is it?� I asked leaning back shifting. �Um, almost four� He said checking his watch. I nodded. �Paul, we have a party tonight don�t we?� John asked from across the room. I looked at him he smiled innocently. Paul nodded. �yeah� He said slowly. My stomach clenched in anxious warning. I nodded. �Do you have them like after every concert?� I asked. �No, sometimes a few in a row sometimes spread out it all depends� John answered. I nodded not wanting to know what it �depends� on. I held Paul�s hand in my lap. I was hoping this party would turn out a bit better than the last one did. The image of Paul and that girl replayed in my mind. I flinched and shook my head internally to take the image away. I held his hand up to my lips, kissing the back of his hand. Brian came in suddenly. �Come on guys last concert of the day, let�s get going� He said swiftly. John, Ringo, and George stood up and collected their instruments. �Sorry, Luv, I gotta go.� He said reluctantly, standing up. �Ok� I said. He grabbed his bass and followed the other guys to the door. �I love you Sarah. Bye, Luv� He said. �I love you Paulie bye, bye guys, have fun� I said as they left and shut the door behind him. I turned on the Tv and flipped through the channels actually watching it. I watched a black and white show like a Andy Griffith kinda show. It was good for old TV. The guys came back soon all hot and sweaty. �Hey, Luv� Paul said taking my hand and pulling me up. �Hey� I said. He put his bass away quickly and left it with the others cases. Paul hugged me to his side. The door opened and we were told by some security guard person the car was waiting. Paul grabbed my hand and we walked down a corridor, through metal double doors to the alley with out limo. We filed in and settled back as it started towards our hotel. I held Paul�s hand in my lap and they all chatted about some change in the song order or something. Very stimulating convo. The limo stopped at the back entrance of the hotel. Paul got out and stood by the door. I got out and took his hand he pulled me to him and kissed me. I kissed him back. We followed the others to where they were waiting for an elevator. It opened when we got there. We all squeezed in again. �Are we getting dinner soon?� John asked Brian. �I�m starving.� He added. �Yeah, we�ll go out to dinner� He said. The elevator finally made it to our suite and we filed out into our room. �Are you hungry, Luv?� Paul asked. �You haven�t eaten all day� He added. I shook my head. �No not really� I said. �well, that�s too bad, cos I�m going to make you eat.� He said. �You are?� I asked jokingly. �yup� he said. �It�s pretty tough to get me to do anything.� I said warningly. �Naw, I can do it� He said. �Maybe� I said smiling at him. I sat down on one of the couches. �Ha, I get first shower� John said to Paul shutting the door to their room. Paul rolled his eyes. �You can take a shower in my room.� I said. �OK, thanks, Luv� He said. �I�ll be right back then.� He said leaving to my room. Ringo was sitting across from me. �I just hafto wait.� He said. �I�m sorry� I said. �That�s OK� He smiled. I turned on the TV. I sat against the arm rest while he flipped through the channels. A bit boring. I stood up. �I�ll be back� I said walking to my room. I shut the door behind me and fell onto my bed. I could hear the water running in the bathroom. I stood back up and opened the bathroom door. The steam was very thick and hot. �Paulie� I said. �Yes?� He said. �should I change for dinner or whatever?� I asked. �Naw, you look fabulous already� he said. I rolled my eyes. Yeah right. �Thanks� I said. I wiped the steam off the mirror and looked at myself. I turned on the water and started brushing my teeth. I was staring at myself in the mirror and I heard the shower turn off. Paul stepped out of the shower to take a towel from the rack. I choked on my toothbrush and looked intently at the drain while I brushed my teeth extremely well. I spit out my toothpaste and looked in the mirror. Paul had a towel around his waist and was rubbing his hair with another. Well that was stupid. Nice Sarah. I rinsed my mouth out repeatedly. Paul slid his arms around my waist. I turned around and slid my arms around his neck. He kissed me. I ran my hand along the top of his towel and my other hand through his damp hair. He smiled. �I hafto go get ready now, I�m prolly late already� He said. I smiled. �Naw, I think you look great just how you are� I said. He smiled. �Ta, but I don�t think Brian will agree� He said. I raised my eyebrows jokingly. �Actually, he might� I said. He laughed. �Yes well then I�ll be very cold� He said. I smiled. �Well, fine� I said. �I guess you would.� I added. He nodded. �Are you sure this is OK?� I asked pulling up my pants and smoothing my hands down the thighs. He nodded. �I mean it�s not some fancy restaurant you fancy people go?� I asked. �It doesn�t matter, you look good enough for any restaurant� He said. I smiled �Who said you had to wear fancy clothes to a fancy restaurant anyway?� I asked. �Certainly not me� I added. He smiled. �Exactly� He said. �I�ll be right back� He said, leaving to get dressed. I turned back to the mirror and redid my makeup and brushed out my hair. I grabbed my purse and left, turning off lights on the way. John and Ringo and George were laying around in the common room. I sat on the end of the couch. �Will you tell your boyfriend to hurry his ass up? I�m starving over here� John whined. I rolled my eyes. �How boutst you go tell him?� I said. �cos he�ll yell at me, he won�t at you� He said. I rolled my eyes, again. I got up and opened his door. �Hey, Paulie� I called He came out of the bathroom turning off the light. �Yeah?� He said. I walked into the room. �Everyone�s waiting for you� I said. �OK� He said pulling his jacket on. He flipped the light out and waited for me at the door. We walked into the common room. �Finally� John said standing. �Let�s go� He added. Paul took my hand and we walked back to those famous elevators and back to our famous limo. We rode along the streets. �Where are we going?� I asked. �This Italian restaurant it�s about three blocks from the hotel.� Brian said. I nodded. We stopped in front of a nice enough restaurant. We got out and Paul held the door for me, though it didn�t need to be held, That�s OK it was nice anyway. I smiled at him and we followed the rest in. We sat down around a circular table. I took my menu and folded my napkin in my lap as the guy took drink orders. �And for you, Miss?� He asked. I looked up. �Dr. Pepper� Paul answered for me. I smiled and nodded. The guy nodded and left quickly. I opened my menu thing. �You still making me eat?� I asked Paul. He nodded looking at his menu. �Yup� He said. I nodding looking through my menu. �OK� I said closing the menu and setting it in front of me. I knew what I wanted. The waiter came back quickly and took our orders around the table. I got the manicotti formagio, I got that every time I went to an Italian restaurant. The guy brought our drinks, we had an amusing conversation about their concert tours. They had some odd things happen to them, and they did some crazy things. I was laughing through the whole meal. John was hilarious. Really. The others were very funny too. I had eaten half of my meal. Paul gave me a look. I smiled sweetly. He looked at me. I threw an arm around his neck. �Hi, Paulie� I said sweetly. He smiled smally. I looked at John and nodded slowly. He nodded back. Paul looked out the window and back at me. �Wanna walk back to the hotel?� He asked. �Sure� I said. Paul stood up. �Hey Brian, me and Sarah�ll walk back� he said. Brian looked at him. �Paul..� He stated. �K, bye� Paul took my hand and started walking away. I waved. �Bye guys, thanks for dinner Brian, see y�all later� I said as Paul dragged me away. Chapter 20 Home � Copyright 2002 by Sarah Lucey. International Copyrights Served. All Rights Reserved. This work may not be reproduced in part or in whole or transmitted in any form by any means without the permission of Sarah Lucey. |
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