Chapter17

To Be Desired
Chapter 17

I stood there in shock. Paul saw me out of the corner of his eye and jumped up abruptly. Ringo was just walking by, I snapped out of it suddenly, I plucked the scotch and coke from his hands and threw it in Paul�s face. People turned from across the room. I turned around quickly and took off running through the crowd of people. Paul was running after me shouting my name. I ran towards the door and almost slammed into John. Paul ran towards me but John caught his arm and pulled him back. I ran to the door and pulled the door open. Mal was outside keeping the party in order. �What�s wrong?� Mal shouted as I ran to the elevator. I pushed down and it opened immediately, thank god. I pushed 1 and leaned against the back of the elevator, before hanging my head as I burst out crying.

The door dinged open and I wiped my eyes and walked out through the lobby and outside. The cool air hit me as the tears rolled down my face. There were a couple fans standing outside. It was pretty late. I walked down the steps. �Are you alright?� One of the girls asked. I wiped my eyes and nodded, taking a deep breath. �I�m OK� I said. �Sarah?� She asked. I looked at her, I almost asked how she knew my name. �Yeah� I said. �what�s wrong?� She asked. �I just got a call that my grandmother died� I said hesitating a bit. �I was going to go for a walk� I added. �Oh, I�m sorry� She said, gasping. �Thanks� I said. �My Grandmother died last year.� She said putting her hand on my shoulder. �I�m sorry� I said. She nodded. �Thanks� she said softly. �Are you sure your OK?� She asked. I nodded. �yeah, I�m fine� I said. �OK, well there is this nice park two blocks down and down that street, you could go there.� She said pointing. The place where Paul took me last night. �OK, Thanks� I said. This girl was really nice. She searched in her bag and pulled out some tissues. �Here� She said. �Thanks� I said wiping my eyes and blowing my nose. She nodded. �You�ll be OK� She said sympathetically. I nodded. �OK, well perhaps you could tell Paul I said hi?� She asked. I chocked when she said his name. I started crying harder and nodded. �Ok, hope you find that park OK.� She said cheerily. I nodded. She turned to leave. �By the way, I�m Missy� She said turning around. �Nice to meet you� I said nodding. She smiled. �Bye� I said. �Bye� She repeated waving. I took off down the street and finally made it to the park in a blur.

I sat down in the grass and cried into my hands. What a bastard. He told me he loved me. I cried until my throat hurt and my eyes were red. I wiped my eyes and laid down in the grass looking at the stars. I had just been here last night, looking at the same stars, and everything was alright. Now everything was so wrong.

I pulled my arms up over my eyes and laid there for awhile. I must have fallen asleep for a bit. I stood up and took a deep breathe before proceeding to trudge back to the hotel. I stumbled back practically numb. I had gotten to the hotel�s street when I remembered Missy. I saw her sitting on the planter edge reading something. I walked up behind her. �Hey� I said. She turned around abruptly. �Oh, Hi� she replied, a bit surprised. �Did you find the park OK?� She asked. I nodded. �Yeah, thanks� I said. She nodded. �no problem� she said. I wiped my eyes again, though I had run out of tears awhile ago. �I�d better get back� I said looking up at the balcony of our room. All the lights were off. �OK� Missy said. I smiled smally and nodded. �Perhaps I�ll see you again sometime� I said. This was probably the only nice fan I�d meet for awhile. She smiled sadly. �I doubt it� She said. I shrugged. �You never know� I said. She smiled. �Bye� I said waving. She waved back.

I walked through the vacant lobby and to the awaiting elevator. I leaned against the back as it ascended to our floor. The doors opened and I just stood there for awhile. The elevator started to close again and I stopped the doors and walked out into the corridor. I opened the door quietly, hoping no one would be in there. The lights were off and it was completely dark. I shut the door behind me and walked slowly to the balcony door. I opened the sliding door and sat down, pulling my knees up to my chest and resting my chin on them. I sat there for awhile in the cold night. I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder. I pulled my head up quickly. Praying it wasn�t Paul.

I looked up cautiously. It was John. I let out a sigh of relief. �It�s you� I said. He nodded and sat down next to me. �Hey� He said. �Hi� I said softly looking out over the balcony again. �Are you OK?� He asked putting his arm loosely around my shoulders. I took a deep breath. �No.� I said, trying not to start crying again. He hugged me closer to him. �I�m sorry� He said softly. I shrugged. �Thanks� I whispered before the tears started rolling down my face. �Aww, don�t cry, Luv� John said seeing I was crying. That just made me cry harder. before I was sobbing in my knees. He rubbed my back. �Shhh, Luv� He repeated as I wept uncontrollably. I quieted down eventually. John tightened his arm around me. �That prick� He muttered under his breath. I took a shaky breath and yawned slightly. �I�m tired� I said rubbing my eyes. �I suppose I should go to bed now� I added softly. John got up and pulled me up beside him. I teetered a bit and he guided me into the room. I walked towards my door. �Wait, Luv� John said. I turned to him. �I wouldn�t go in there If I was you� He said. I looked at him strangely. �Paul�s in there� He said. �In my room? what the hell�s he doing there?� I asked, angry. �He wanted to talk to you when you came home� He said. �He was going to wait out here, I told him to go to bed though.� John explained. I sighed. �I�m not going in there� I said. �That meanie fish, he stole my room.� I said. �Meanie fish?� John asked. I nodded. �Meanie fish� I repeated. �What a Freak� I said shaking my head. �I guess I�ll sleep on the couch� I said looking at the big couch to my right. John�s eyes followed mine. �Want me to kick him out?� John asked looking back to me. I sighed. �No, it�s OK� I said. �OK� John said. �I�ll get you a blanket.� He added walking towards his room. I walked over to the couch and sat down. John came back with a couple blankets and a pillow. I took them �Thanks� I said. �No Problem� He said. �K, Goodnight� He said. �Night� I said softly. He went back to his room and shut the door.

I got up and made a little bed on the couch. I took off my jeans and my over shirt and laid them on the arm rest before crawling between the sheets. I laid there for what seemed like forever. I couldn�t get Paul out of my head. I kept playing the image of him kissing that slut over and over and over again. I couldn�t believe him, He told me he loved me. But worst of all I believed him, I even loved him back. I was such a fool...such a fool. Paul McCartney, what was I thinking? a millionaire rockstar playboy. I finally drifted off to sleep.

I awoke early the next morning and stayed laying silently in the huddle of blankets on the couch. I snuggled into my pillow and hugged my covers to me. I heard a door creak open and closed my eyes pretending to be asleep. I heard footsteps coming towards me and I pulled the cover up to my chin discreetly. Someone sat down on the coffee table right in front of the couch. It was Paul, I could feel him. I felt him lean closer and I could feel his warm breath on my face, I shivered slightly. I smelt his smell as I felt his lips touch my cheek so lightly, when he pulled back I didn�t know if he really kissed me or not. I tried to control my facial expression. He sat back down on the table and was silent for a long time. I finally had to open my eyes out of curiosity (I know I know, It killed the cat, but I was dying). Paul was sitting on the edge of the table wearing an undershirt and boxers. He had his elbows on his knees and was cradling his head in his hands. I couldn�t see his face. I stared at him for awhile, wondering what the hell he was doing here. I couldn�t look at him anymore and closed my eyes again. I heard another door creak open. �What you doing?� John asked Paul. �Shhh� Paul said. John�s footsteps walked towards us. Paul ran a hand through his hair. �Nothing� Paul sighed. John set a hand on his shoulder. �It�s a bit early don�t you think?� John whispered. Paul shook his head. �Naw it�s too late� He said looking at me.

John sighed. �I think you should go back to sleep� He said. Paul looked at him defiantly and shook his hand off. He stood up and walked back into my room and shut the door. John sighed again and sat down on the coffee table. �He�s gone� He said. I opened my eyes, surprised. He smiled. I shook my head. �Did he know I was awake?� I asked. John shook his head. �No� He said softly. I sighed and sat up. �oh god� I exhaled. I rubbed my eyes. I looked around the room it was pretty early. Its was semi-dark in here. I touched my cheek. �He kissed me� I said. �He did?� John asked. I nodded and smeared my hand across my cheek. I sighed and fell back against the couch. What was I going to do? I turned my head and looked at John.

�So, How are you on this fine, fine, day?� I asked sarcastically. �I�m fine fine fine� He replied sarcastically. I laughed. � that�s good� I said. He nodded. �I�m going to go back to bed.� John said. �I just thought he was bothering you, I was coming to save you� He said smiling. �Thanks� I said laughingly. �I played the old �I�m only sleeping� trick� I said. He smiled. �Ok, then� I said. �Goodnight� I said. He stood up. �Nite� He said walking towards his door and shutting it behind him. I laid in the covers forever, thinking I�d never get to sleep. But I really was tired and I soon fell asleep anyway.

I woke up to the sound of the Beatles chatting around the noises of eating breakfast. I stayed there listening. They said nothing of any value to me. I slid the covers off silently. I really didn�t want to get up but, I knew I would have to sometime, and I had to go to the bathroom. I took a deep breath and stood up, untangling myself from the mass that was my covers. I realized I hadn�t any pants on and pulled them from the armrest and slid them on. �Well, look who�s up� John said looking out of the corner of his eye at Paul. I ran my hand through my hair and smiled, not looking at Paul. I pulled my over shirt from the couch and started towards my room. Paul stood up and pushed out his chair. I knew he was going to follow me, so we could �talk�. �Not now, Paul� I said firmly pushing my door open. I walked through and shut the door behind me, locking it. I leaned against the door and let out my breath I�d been holding. I stood up and took a deep breath. I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and fixed my hair a bit. I changed and checked myself in the mirror. I sighed. It really didn�t matter anymore, nothing did.

I put in my Alanis Morissette CD and turned it up. I was actually really hungry. I opened the door. �You guys don�t mind if I play music do you?� I asked to them, still at the table. �No, It�s fine� John said. I set it in the doorway and turned it up a bit. I ran my hand through my hair and walked over to the table. I stared at the only empty seat, next to Paul. I�m sure he planned this well. Well, too bad. I walked up between John and George and stole a piece of toast and sat on the back of the couch singing along to the CD quietly between bites. John caught my eye and stared at me. I smiled smally to him. I snuck a look at Paul. He was looking at me with a look on his face. I diverted my eyes quickly to my last bite of toast. I shoved it in my mouth and swept the crumbs off my hands. I walked up behind John again and stole his orange juice and drank a bit of it and gave it back. �Of, course you can have some, Lucey� He said sarcastically. �Thanks� I said smiling. �Who�s record is this?� John asked. �Alanis Morissette� I said. �You wouldn�t know her.� I added sarcastically. �I know, I just mean she�s really good� He said. �Yeah, she is� I agreed. I could feel Paul�s eyes boring into me but I refused to look at him. I felt very alone for being in a room full of people. �Do you have anymore of her records?� Paul asked. I bit my lip. �No, this�s it� I said a bit stiffly. He nodded, probably trying to think of other questions to ask me so I�d talk to him.

�What other records do you have?� Paul asked. What a shocker. I took a deep breath and looked at John. �All kinds� I replied. �You have all of ours right?� Paul asked. �Yes� I said shortly. �Wha-� Paul started. �John, Have you written any songs lately?� I said cutting Paul off. John looked at me. �Naw, not really� He said. �But, I am working a bit on one.� He said. �Want to hear it?� He asked pointedly. I nodded. �Sure� I said quickly. He stood up to get it. Paul stood up abruptly and walked to his room quickly, shutting the door behind him. I sat down in the empty chair. �Never mind, I don�t wanna hear it� I said waving my hand. John shook his head and sat back down. I held my head in my hand with my elbow on the table. I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. �You�re going to hafto talk to him eventually.� John said. �Yeah, well, I like to procrastinate� I said. �And I don�t want to talk to him.� I added. �What happened last night?� George asked. �I didn�t even see anything, all I saw was Paul running after you covered in coke.� He added. I smiled a bit. �I did that� I said. �Yeah, she wasted my drink� Ringo said. I smiled. �Sorry, Ringo.� I said. �That�s OK� He said, smiling. �He kissed some other bird� John said to George. He nodded. �Oh, I see� He said. I looked at him. �I see�? what the freak does that mean? �right� I said. I looked at John. �Do you think it was wrong?� I asked. He looked at me and shrugged. �No?� I asked. �Well, It�s not like he has a secret wife or anything� He said. I shook my head. �He only just kissed her� He added. I looked at him. �So you think he was right?� I asked. �Not right, just not something to get so upset about� He said. I shook my head. �Then he can go and have all his little girls at parties without me� I said. John looked at me. �You don�t mean that do you?� He asked. I shrugged. �He wants all them, he has to give up me.� I said. John looked at me. And then nodded slowly. His eyes shot to Paul�s door. �He�s listening isn�t he?� I said softly to John. He nodded. I shook my head. �Meanie Fishes don�t deserve to get everything they want anyway.� I said loudly. I stood up and walked into my room. I closed my door behind me and laid on my bed.

I was almost asleep when someone knocked on the door. �come in� I said un enthusiastically. I regretted it seconds later when the door opened and Paul walked in. �Hey� he said softly. I didn�t say anything back. He shifted his feet. �We are leaving soon, like 10 minutes� He said. I nodded. A long silence followed. �Luv, I-� Paul started. �Paul, can we talk about this later?� I asked angrily, getting up. �Please, Luv� He started. �Paul please� I begged. He sighed. �Alright then� He said reluctantly turning and walking out the door. He left and shut the door behind him. I sighed deeply and fell back onto the bed. What was I going to do?

I got up again and fixed my hair and makeup. I took my silver disc man and some CDs and put them in my purse. I made sure everything was packed and nothing was left behind. I set my sunglasses on my head and grabbed my cases. I walked out into the empty common room and set my cases down. I looked around, where is everyone? I sighed and fell onto the couch. I closed my eyes and covered my eyes with my hands. The door opened and George and Ringo came out of their room. �Hey� Ringo said. �Hi� I said. John and Paul came out of their room and set their cases by the pile. I avoided Paul�s look as they all sat on the furniture to wait. I pulled my legs onto the couch and hugged my leg to me.

The room shrank into the silence. I sighed and stared into space. The door opened abruptly. �Ok, everyone ready?� Brian asked. I looked at up at them. Everyone got up and started for the door. We were walking down the hall. Paul walked up next to me. �You know you�re going to hafto pretend you�re not mad at me when we go outside.� He said. I looked at John, who was walking on the other side of me. He nodded. �They�ll think something�s up� John said walking into the elevator. I followed him. �No, wouldn�t want them to know the truth now� I said a bit bitterly. Paul sighed. �Sarah,� he started. I shook my head. �I�ll put on a great act� I said cutting him off. He sighed again and leaned against the back of the elevator.

The doors opened and we walked into the lobby I could hear the fans outside. We walked to the back entrance and got put in our fancy car. I slid more towards John when Paul got in next to me. I crossed my legs and turned towards John. �So, Where are we going?� I asked him. �I have no clue� He responded. I nodded. �How insightful, thank you� I said sarcastically. �No problem� He answered. The airport was practically right down the street and I was lost in thought the rest of the way, ignoring their amusing(sarcastic) conversation. The car stopped in front of the plane steps, somewhat. I could hear the screams all around the airport. We filed out as the screams hit us, unmuffled by the car. Paul took my hand. I cringed inwardly. They all smiled and waved at the fans as we walked towards the train steps. I smiled fakely, too aware of me and Paul�s contact. It�s like when you�re perfectly comfortable then someone says �don�t move your leg� all of a sudden you have to move it. Paul started stroking the back of my hand with his finger, I flinched and thought he would stop. He didn�t. I dug my fingernail into the back of his hand. He elbowed me unnoticeably as we started up the stairs. When we reached the top they all stopped to wave again. I was getting impatient, I poked Paul in the back and he turned and walked the remainder of the way into the plane as the others followed. �Don�t do that� He said as we were all safely in the plane.

I narrowed my eyes pulling my hand from him and wiping it down the thigh of my pants. I turned on my heel and walked down the aisle I sat down by a window. John sat next to me. Thank God. Paul sat behind John. �Hello� I said waving and smiling. �hey� He said. I remembered my CD player and pulled it from my purse. �What�s that?� John asked. �A portable CD player� I said. I pushed �open� and the top flipped up. I put in �A Hard Day�s Night� and closed it. I picked up the earphones and set them on John�s head. He adjusted them over his ears. I pushed play. He nodded his head to the beat. �Very cool.� He said taking them off and giving them back to me. I nodded. �I know� I said. I was going to put them on but I decided to wait until the plane took off. I set them back in my bag.

�Are you still mad?� John asked lowly. I looked at him. �At whom?� I asked. He looked at me like �no duh�. I laughed. �Oh him� I said. I leaned close. �Yes� I whispered and then sat back. He nodded. �I see� He said. �I�m glad you see� I said. �I think he�s really sorry� He said. I nodded. �It�s always nice to know what you think� I said. He shook his head. �Come on.� He said. �I know� I said. �I�m sure he is sorry� I said. �Isn�t that good enough?� He asked. I shook my head. �No� I said. He looked at me. �What does he hafto do?� He asked. I looked at him. �Are you his PR or something?� I asked. �No� He said. I nodded. �You�re acting quite like one� I said. He smiled. �so� He said. �I just want to know� He said. �So you can go tell him and he can go do it and make everything all better?� I asked. He nodded. �Sure� He said. �Oh OK� I said and rolled my eyes. �Are you going to be mad at him forever?� He asked. I shrugged. �Perhaps, I mean you never know.� I said. The plane started down the runway. �You won�t you know� He said. �And why is that??� I asked after we got in the air. �Cos, I�ve seen you with him, I�m not blind.� He said looking at me.

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