TOP 10 THINGS TONY FOUND
IN CARLY'S WASTEBASKET
(10) An Accu-Strip home pregnancy test, showing a "blue" positive result.
(9) The empty box for an Accu-Strip home pregnancy test.
(8) A receipt from Dockside Pharmacy showing the purchase of an Accu-Strip home pregnancy test.
(7) A shopping list, in Carly's handwriting, listing nail polish remover.....cotton balls.....emery boards.....Accu-Strip home pregnancy test.
(6) Expired manufacturer's coupons for 55� off any Accu-Strip home pregnancy test.
(5) A Dockside Pharmacy store circular, showing a special promotion for an Accu-Strip home pregnancy test that comes with free Wrigley's Spearmint Gum.
(4) Clipped-out CONSUMER REPORTS reviews of the leading home pregnancy tests, showing Accu-Strip as among the better values in generic brands.
(3) One slightly-used magic marker in the same shade of blue as the Accu-Strip home pregnancy test postive result indicator.
(2) 17 sheets of suspiciously-clean, crumpled-up notepaper.
(1) Old, outdated pictures of AJ Quartermaine.
TOP 10 SONNY/BRENDA CONVERSATIONS
WE CAN NOW LOOK FORWARD TO
(10) Heartwarming stories told on a picnic blanket about his childhood camp.
(9) Comparing notes in a stuffy hotel room on their ideal dreamhouse.
(8) Scrutinizing Ned and Alexis' tormented romance.
(7) Deciding which TV channel to watch.
(6) Arguments about messy toothpaste tube caps left on the bathroom counter.
(5) Who will pick up the dry cleaning after "work".
(4) Reminiscing over how much simpler life was back in the cave.
(3) Whether Trooper V has romantic designs on Jax, and if he will fall for the cop simply because of her resemblance to......um.....hmmmmm, what was Mac's friend's name again? Megan? Molly?
(2) How they managed to battle their personal demons over the past months, fight their true feelings and desires, and eventually rediscover eachother and the intense love they share, and how they amazingly did it all on their own while Robin and her indispensible wisdom and guidance were out of town.
(1) "Hey, Brend, was that Karen who just walked by?"....."Ooooh, was Jagger with her?"
TOP 10 REASONS WHY WE SHOULD
ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY IN NO WAY
ACCEPT OR TOLERATE BILLY WARLOCK IN
THE ROLE OF A.J. QUARTERMAINE
(10) His hair color.....it's not brown. If AJ stood for anything in his life, it was his nice brown hair.
(9) His hair style.....where is that classic AJ Quartermaine McDonald's Arch flip?
(8) His height.....AJ was 5'11" if he was an inch! This AJ makes Tony Jones even look threatening!
(7) His voice.....I'll be damned if this new guy doesn't sound just likely that Brady kid on DAYS OF OUR LIVES......Bo, I think his name was.
(6) Billy Warlock, from what I understand, is NOT Steve Burton's third cousin, twice-removed (the previous AJ actually was, FYI)......where's the logic in casting some complete and utter stranger as Jason's brother?
(5) Billy Warlock has never kicked Ralph Macchio's ass on the big screen.
(4) This guy can't even hold onto Marcy Walker or Erika Eleniak, we expect him to get his hooks into Carly?
(3) Heavens to jimminy, he isn't even wearing AJ's clothes!!! Purists know that AJ never wore black t-shirts under his button-downs. DUH!
(2) Warlock is sporting the type of facial hair that is exclusive to Off-The-Wagon AJ......what is this, some cruel, twisted plot to confuse us on the character's progress in rehab?!?!
(1) Billy's last name doesn't rhyme with "SHMANAN".
TOP 10 THINGS ON STEFAN'S LAPTOP
(10) A computer virus capable of crippling mainframes globally.
(9) A second computer virus capable of making every post on the PCO Message Board a TAN about "Graduation Gift Suggestions"
(8) Recipes for butterscotch pudding.
(7) The videogame "TIMORIA II: THE DEATH OF EKUL" (the cryptic cleverness of the title always gives him a snicker...)
(6) A "Family Circus" screen saver.
(5) An old, unused script stolen off of GH writer Richard Culliton's computer, detailing Miranda's long-lost connection to the Cassidines.
(4) An unfinished submission to Penthouse Forum that begins, "It was a dark and foggy night on the island, and Mrs. Lansbury was wearing that deceptively demure nightgown of hers..."
(3) Phony GIF images of a naked Pamela Anderson Lee retouched into Katherine's wheelchair.
(2) Microsoft Bloodsucking 5.0.
(1) After some smooth, sweet-talking....Bobbie.
REBECCA CHASE'S TOP 10 SEXUAL
FANTASIES ABOUT PIERCE
(10) SHE: The innocent yet curious cheerleader......HE: The hunky captain of the football team.
(9) SHE: The shackled, helpless Princess Leia......HE: The demanding, slimy Jabba the Hut.
(8) SHE: SHE: Meek librarian Lucy Coe......HE: Psychopath serial murderer Kevin O'Connor.
(7) SHE: The fickle, flakey fragrance model......HE: The mobster with the heart of gold.
(6) SHE: Dawn Winthrop #3......HE: Dr. Dorman #3.
(5) SHE: The mousy nurse nobody ever noticed......HE: The studly world-class neurosurgeon.
(4) SHE: The acrobatic-yet-insecure physical therapist......HE: The puffy, middle-aged neurosurgeon.
(3) The overly-thorough U.S. Customs agent......HE: The wily, brooding drug smuggler.
(2) SHE: The seductive Dorian Lord......HE: The dastardly David Vickers.
(1) SHE: The wanton gravedigger......HE: The frisky corpse.
TOP 10 WAYS LAURA PASSES
THE TIME IN SWITZERLAND
(10) Driving Leslie to and from the clinic.
(9) Tending to Lulu's ear infections.
(8) Sitting by the telephone.
(7) Walking in circles around the telephone.
(6) Pacing back and forth by the telephone.
(5) Dusting the telephone.
(4) Trying not to giggle at the accents when calling the local phone sex lines.
(3) Sleeping by the phone.
(2) Dialing the operator every hour to make sure telephone is working properly.
(1) Seeking out great bargains in town on cheese and folding pocket knives.
TOP 10 CASUALTIES
LEFT IN THE WAKE OF TOM HARDY'S
TOUR OF TERROR
(10) SONNY, his partner in crime and deception under the command of Luke...leaving the show imminently.
(9) FELICIA, his insatiable and adventurous lover...storylineless and vacationing from the show for the summer.
(8) SIMONE, the wife he vigilantly fought Justus for...vanished.
(7) TOMMY JR., the son he struggled to re-establish a bond with after his return...vanished.
(6) KEVIN, the colleague he so heatedly battled for the department head position...brief turn as psycho stalker, then shipped off to new show.
(5) JUSTUS, his one-time rival for Simone's and Tommy Jr's affections...ditched Simone at the altar, then taken off-contract.
(4) LESLIE, the helpless victim of Cassidine ruthlessness that he helped rescue and nurse back to health...now stuck in Switzerland watching Laura gab on the phone night and day.
(3) STEVE, the father he so desperately sought approval and validation from for years...dead.
(2) GENERAL HOSPITAL, his father's pride and joy, an institution reverd nationwide...bankrupt, saved by the dastardly Cassidine vampire clan.
(1) AUDREY, his delicate, beloved mother and defender...shipped off to new show, subject to surgery via Black & Decker.
TOP 12 (and counting) LOOSE ENDS
(12) Haven't seen Robert Scorpio's dog Friday in a while....
(11) I guess Felicia's computer stalking problems were so serious and significant to the Cassidine storyline, she gets to take the summer off...?
(10) Tom Hardy's horrible post-Africa panic attacks were caused by....?
(9) That older guy who boxed at Marco's Gym was Jagger's father...um, wasn't he...?
(8) After the fire that killed Dawn, Decker was in the hospital, then he went....?
(7) Blackie confessed to a murder he didn't commit so that he could be jailed up for how long...?
(6) What was the outcome of Stefan's background search on the mysterious Miranda, anyway? He seemed pretty determined at the time...
(5) Speaking of Miranda, the point of those flirty scenes between her and Pierce Dorman was...?
(4) Do you think Bobbie still collects rent from Simone?
(3) How is construction on the $30,000,000 Stone Cates Memorial Wing going?
(2) The significance of Lucy's psychic premonitions about a "frozen Kevin" was...?
(1) I take it that Miguel's concert tour has been going well...?
TOP 10 REASONS TO WATCH "PORT CHARLES"
(10) Upcoming storyline where Audrey goes to work as a stripper at Sonny's new club.
(9) With Karen on the show, there is always the outside chance of someday seeing Jagger walk around in his Calvin Klein briefs.
(8) No Faberge eggs.
(7) It's just a matter of time before Lynn Herring accidentally calls husband/co-star Wayne Northrop by his real life pet name, "Mister Happy Pants", on the air.
(6) Your VCR is still programmed to tape ABC at 12:30, back from when you faithfully watched "The City" every day.
(5) Sooner or later, you are bound to find out Kevin's connection to the Cassidines....right?
(4) You are one of countless Julie Pinson groupies, who plays the ambitious yet troubled Dr. Eve Lambert.
(3) Even energetic, spunky whirlwind Robin cannot possibly be on both shows at once.
(2) You are struggling through a very, very bad case of "ER" withdrawal.
(1) Don't quote me, but word has it that Nolan North could be the next Ashley Hamilton.(10) "Hey, Tony, the catering crew is having a problem with the ice machine, and you were the first person they thought to ask..."
(9) "What exactly did Jonathan mean when he said he has a pierced Dorman?"
(8) "You're asking ME? I don't know her name...just call her 'Dara' like everyone else is."
(7) "Sarah, we found your trophy--it had fallen into Jackie's cleavage!"
(6) "Okay, Mary Beth, I think you've had quite enough jelly beans for now..."
(5) "Tyler, Vanessa...[knock-knock-knock]...you should come out now, this One-On-One room is actually intended for INTERVIEWS..."
(4) "My, Stephen, how odd to see you in a dark suit."
(3) "Okay, everyone, it's getting far too crowded in here, can someone call security to clear the room...or ask Brad to start singing."
(2) "We need a martini, and a whiskey sour...Oh, and don't skimp on the booze, Horan."
(1) "This is the last time I'm telling you, Kimberly, NO CLIMBING ON MY EMMY!"
TOP 10 OBSERVATIONS FROM
WATCHING THE OLD "GH" EPISODES
(10) Plot-driven shows are just as compelling as character-driven shows.
(9) Forget action-adventure stories; what today's GH is desperately missing is Richard Simmons!
(8) Good money says Anne Logan is still, to this day, a virgin.
(7) Eye liner should be used in moderation.
(6) Regardless of what his resume says, Luke Spencer CANNOT type 55 wpm.
(5) Young Jackie Zeman, meet young Susan Sarandon; Young Susan Sarandon, meet young Jackie Zeman.
(4) Over the past 17 years, the floor plan for Kelly's Diner has changed eight times, yet the price for a tuna melt platter has held steady at $2.95.
(3) Lucy Coe, I knew Heather Webber. Heather Webber was a good friend of mine. Lucy Coe, you are NO Heather Webber.
(2) Sure enough, main characters walked around aimlessly, without direction or guidance, during those difficult pre-Robin years.
(1) The Cassidines sure choose uuuuuuuuuugly places to hide their secrets to world dominiation.
TOP 10 OTHER REASONS
TOM HARDY DECIDED TO LEAVE TOWN
(10) Just recently found the passport he had lost in Audrey's hair.
(9) All part of a bet between him, Stefan and Nikolas that whomever trimmed their sideburns first had to go.
(8) As he was quoted by one reporter, "As if this show will be on the air much longer after Miranda leaves?!?! Ha! I'll have the last laugh on THEM!"
(7) Figures that exposing himself to the stress and trauma of Africa again might make him go insane, then he can come back and get as many high-paying consultation jobs as psycho-shrink Kevin Collins.
(6) Heard they were creating a new character named "Nancy Drew", and wanted to avoid the inevitable teasing around the set.
(5) Tony Geary, always confusing Tom with "Jack" from Days Of Our Lives, kept warning him, "Listen, pal, there is only room for one hero/rapist in this town!"
(4) The Port Charles Department of Buildings finally caught up with him for all the "sex-capade" modifications he made to the brownstone roof, and slapped him with a hefty fine.
(3) Fed up with continually being upstaged by the kid who plays Tommy Jr. in every single scene they've shared lately.
(2) The Spencer family was finally tipped off that Tom had been attached to their storyline, and promptly called security.
(1) Plain and simple: Simone was smothering him.
TOP 10 "GH" SCENES TO WATCH FOR
ON "A DAYTIME TO REMEMBER"
(reposted from earlier)
(10) MONDAY, MAY 5: Police arrive at Diana Taylor's apartment to find her dead body, a message written in the victim's blood, "Anne did it, not Mrs. Grant...that's right, it was Anne. Don't even think of suspecting Mrs. Grant."
(9) TUESDAY, MAY 6: Conducting her own sting operation, Holly busts a crooked dance teacher, revealing that not only did he rip off his affluent lady clients, but that he also once played Greg on "The Brady Bunch".
(8) WEDNESDAY, MAY 7: Towards the fatal end of the Ice Princess storyline, Alexandra Quartermaine has a flashback to giving birth to a baby girl, turning to her Cassidine lover and saying, "Awwwww, and doesn't our little Miranda have the prettiest hair!"
(7) THURSDAY, MAY 8: After selflessly taking the blame for Lou's accidental death, Blackie Parrish is investigated by the FBI and found to have played a small role, as a 2-year old, in the JFK assasination, and has been hidden away in a max security prison ever since.
(6) FRIDAY, MAY 9: To the tune of Herb Alpert's "Rise", Luke and Laura give into their passions, and spend heated moments on the campus disco floor inventing the Macarena.
(5) MONDAY, MAY 12: Helena Cassidine, played by Elizabeth Taylor, crashes Luke & Laura's wedding to place a curse on them. She then sits down at the buffet table and gorges herself on spicy chicken wings and cheese balls.
(4) TUESDAY, MAY 13: Upon returning from Jimmy Lee & Celia's wedding, Robert enters his house to discover Robin, the 7-year old daughter he never knew he had. The pint-sized one then proceeds to give Robert hours and hours of wise advice on why he should have realized long ago that Anna's scar was a fake, and how he can resolve his marriage with Holly.
(3) WEDNESDAY, MAY 14: While doing an investigative report for the Port Charles Herald, reporter Jackie Templeton works undercover in a topless club, and while doing a naughty striptease on stage, realizes that maybe there is a really bad movie to be made about this.
(2) THURSDAY, MAY 15: Crushed to see that a crappy car, a Chevrolet no less, has been named after his home planet, Casey gathers up his crystal and returns to Lumina.
(1) FRIDAY, MAY 16: After unlocking the Aztec crypt with Felicia's ring, Frisco & Felicia rush inside to discover the treasure room is empty, and find a note in the middle of the floor saying, "Frisco...Looks like you're late, kid...signed, Uncle Indiana."
TOP 10 PIECES OF ADVICE GIVEN TO
MIRANDA OVER THE PAST FEW DAYS
(10) SONNY: "It's been two weeks since Brenda moved out, and the soft Aussie still hasn't called you. Give UP."
(9) MAC: "Listen, I know what it's like to love someone and have to let go...maybe you should just give up."
(8) JAX: "Listen, I don't like your tone of voice, Miranda! I think you should leave now...and just bloody give up!"
(7) BRENDA: "You're sad, you're pathetic, and like a dope you re-sealed that letter to Sonny with your Berry Cherry nail polish, NOT clear. Give up already."
(6) ROBIN: "If you listen to anyone in this town, by all means listen to me--I have wisdom that mortal men cannot comprehend. Miranda, you should just give up."
(5) DORMAN: "Listen, doll, it's obvious your only good scenes are with ME. So give up before you lose something in that cleft chin of his!"
(4) KATHERINE: "It's not anything close to the stylized, romanticized adultery I've been basking in, so what's the point? Give up, honey."
(3) STEFAN: "The final pieces of our plan are finally falling into place, long-lost cousin Isabella...the family now needs your total concentration on our goals of world domination. So, we beg your compliance in stopping this pursuit of Jasper Jax, as you are coming across as feeble and pathetic and the whole town is laughing at you. Focus, cousin, focus...give up on this man."
(2) THE GH HAIRSTYLISTS: "We don't know what you're talking about, luv! It's GORGEOUS! Don't change a thing!"
(1) DARA: "What? I have a line today?! This is so unexpected...I'm still at home in my bathrobe! I'll be at the studio in a half hour! Um, in the meantime, just tell her to give up!"
CARLY & A.J.'s TOP 10 TOPICS
FOR POST-COITAL PILLOW TALK
(10) Possible Places Where Jason Stores The 274 Votive Candles He Saves For Those Passionate Nights With Robin.
(9) Various Weight-Training and Cardiovascular Routines That Could Make Tony's Body Buff and Cut.
(8) Why AJ Kept Shouting "Yes, Nikki! Yes, Nikki!" During Climax.
(7) How Today's Inflationary Russian Economy Bears Striking Similarities to the USSR's Post-Industrial Socialist Supply-based Economy.
(6) How Torrid, Meaningless Sex Can Be Implemented In Alcoholics Anonymous' 12-Step Recover Program.
(5) How AJ Has Had More On-Screen Sex with Carly in the past 8 Minutes Than He Has Had with Keesha in the Past 8 Months.
(4) Whether Her "VR Troopers" Character Could Kick His "Karate Kid III" Character's Ass.
(3) Which Of Them Is More Pathetic: The One Who Can't Drive At All, or The One Who Can't Drive Without Ramming Into Trees.
(2) How Fickle Fate Is, How Their Two Seperate Lives Have Merged So Spontaneously, And How They Might Never Have Met if AJ Hadn't Gone Through SORAS.
(1) 101 Different Ways To Clean Up The Skid Marks Carly Leaves On The Floor After Awakening.
TOP 10 LESSONS TO BE LEARNED
FROM EMILY'S ROOFTOP EPISODE
(10) Heroin is harmless when you have two handsome millionaire bachelors ready to rescue you.
(9) A new pair of Candies� on roof shingles make for lousy traction.
(8) Jumping threats are taken just a bit less seriously when your bedroom window is located directly above the mansion swimming pool.
(7) PCP stands for Phenyl-Cycli-Piperidine, NOT Port Charles Pixie-dust.
(6) Beware of Matts bearing gifts.
(5) If, in fact, Emily could fly, any distance she covered would not be eligible for transfer to the Quartermaine's American Airlines Frequent Flyer account.
(4) A few months of bad eye make-up and generous amounts of Loves Baby Soft go a long way towards masquerading the signs of drug use.
(3) Even moreso from atop the roof, the sky really IS big.
(2) An overdose of drugs can make one feel self-important, omnipotent and super-human...kinda like being Robin Scorpio.
(1) Abusing hard drugs will almost always nearly somewhat harm you in a way. Kind of.
TOP 10 THOUGHTS GOING
THROUGH MIRANDA'S HEAD WHILE
READING BRENDA'S LETTER
(10) "Brenda, you cheating little slut..."
(9) "Looks like I just found the dynamite I need to break up Brenda and Jax."
(8) "That's odd, I shut off the water five minutes ago, but the sink is still steaming..."
(7) "Wait a minute...If you take the first word from each line of this letter, it spells out DEAR ON NEVER CAVE LOVE HOWEVER THE I BECAUSE OVER TROUBLE WHEN...Hmmm, must be a cry for help, I better call Mac."
(6) "Murphy Brown's secretary...now THERE is a role I could tackle...I better call my agent later."
(5) "Gee, now this is strange...I was watching the show on Thursday when we saw Brenda address this envelope, yet today the handwriting is entirely different..."
(4) "Okay...now just a little clear nail polish to reglue the envelope...I just knew all those years of watching MacGyver would pay off."
(3) "You know, when that hunky Dr. Dorman first flirted with me, I thought for sure it was my sexy sweater set that lured him in...But today, I have on something very different...so it must be my personality that entices him so."
(2) "How am I supposed to concentrate on this scene with the hairstylists laughing so loud backstage?"
(1) "No wonder Jax is frustrated...Brenda's mouth is so dry she can't even properly seal an envelope...poor guy."
TOP 10 WAYS THAT STEFAN & KATHERINE
ARE DIFFERENT FROM PATCH & KAYLA
(10) One of Kat's most dastardly deeds was blackmailing Ned into marriage; Kayla's most wicked moment was opening a carton of milk from the wrong side.
(9) Patch's brother-in-law, Bo, was his best friend; Stefan's brother-in-law, Luke, is...not.
(8) Kayla spent many a day in frilly, delicate dresses; Kat saves hers exclusively for daydreams and fantasy sequences.
(7) Stefan's mother is hell-bent on world domination; Patch's mother was hell-bent on finding a good recipes for a nice and hearty stew.
(6) Kayla spent lots of time in the hospital as a nurse; Kat merely spent enough time in the hospital to be mistaken one.
(5) Patch had a presumed-dead wife; Stefan has a brain-dead wife.
(4) Kat has been tragically rendered paralyzed for a few weeks; Kayla was merely deaf for a few weeks.
(3) "Patch" has only one vowel; "Stefaaaaaaaaaaaan" has 13.
(2) Kayla had hair as blonde as honey; Kat usually has butterscotch pudding in hers.
(1) Patch was a Johnson; Stefan only thinks with his.
TOP 10 TOP 10 LISTS I'LL TRY TO
ONCE AND FOR ALL COMPLETE WHILE
ON JURY DUTY STARTING 4/7
(10) Top 10 Different Outfits Worn By Carly
(9) Top 10 Topics For Discussion Between Ned and AJ
(8) Lila's Top 10 Hairstyles
(7) Top 10 Restaurants in Port Charles
(6) Top 10 Sources of Income for Miranda
(5) Felicia's Top 10 Favorite Non-Stalker Storylines
(4) Top 10 Weather Forecasts for Spoon Island
(3) Top 10 Reasons Why The Character of Lucy Went from Exciting to Absurd
(2) Top 10 Reasons Why a Part-time Teenage Actress Merits an Emmy Nomination
(1) Brenda's Top 10 Favorite Chairs & Sofas for Sitting On
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE
WATCHING JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH
"GENERAL HOSPITAL"
(10) When your sister announces she is pregnant, you respond "That's terrific! That's great! So...who is the father...really?"
(9) Your life has no Saturdays, Sundays, or church.
(8) You always set an extra place at dinner...just in case a long-lost child shows up.
(7) You like to start intense conversations on Friday, and finish them on Monday.
(6) When you son is in a horrible car accident, the first thought you have is not about his welfare, but whether he'll lose his memory and forget about seeing you kiss the refrigerator repair man last Friday.
(5) You're often heard complaining in restaurants, "$7.95 for a burger?! They're just $3.25 at Kelly's, and have been for years!"
(4) Clipped-out pictures of Stephen Nichols are Scotch-taped randomly throughout your family tree.
(3) An increasing sense of confusion/bewilderment each time you start to put on a bra.
(2) When pregnant, you go out of your way to carry large pocketbooks and stand behind potted plants.
(1) You can spend hours on end in a hospital without once commenting on the funky smell.
NOTE: Um, the following list mysteriously appeared on my doorstep one morning--I assume no responsibility for it, I am merely, uh, supporting free speech by posting it.TOP 10 NICKNAMES
FOR ROBIN'S NEW HAIRDO
(10) Robin's Nest
(9) The Farrah Fawcett Minor
(8) Mop Scorpio
(7) My First FlowBee, by Hasbro
(6) The Yale-Isn't-Known-For-Its-Hair Salons Style
(5) The Rachel...Ames
(4) The Not So Super Bowl Cut
(3) The Miran'do
(2) The Bungee Bridge Bob
(1) The Dorothy Helmet
TOP 10 REASONS WHY MIRANDA
SIMPLY CANNOT LEAVE "GH"
(10) Alan Quartermaine was just about to name her as the hospital's new Head of Psychiatry.
(9) The wardrobe department just gone done buying up four dozen merino wool sweater sets at a GAP outlet.
(8) Who's gonna read Jaxxy Boy's nauseating poems overand over for us?
(7) It will simply perpetuate the Curse of the Outback Apartment...Domoniqure died, Lucy is headed for "GH2", now this...Mac will never be able to rent that place again!
(6) Leslie Horan's sunny personality always put the show's hair stylists in good spirits--they were often seen giggling like schoolkids whenever she got up from the chair.
(5) It's not fair for her to draw us into her complex web of emotional intensity and then just up and leave!
(4) With her gone, the next most fertile target for our ridicule is currently confined to a wheelchair, and frankly even we are not that mean.
(3) Sarah "Carly" Brown isn't gonna be happy at all about regaining sole ownership of the Worst Dressed Character title.
(2) Our minds were all rested and fully prepared to boggle at the absurd preposition that she is Alexis' daughter.
(1) She was about the only person Kat could rely on to properly fetch butterscotch pudding!
TOP 10 WAYS THE FABERGE EGG
FITS INTO THE CASSIDINE PLAN
(10) Combine egg contents with diced peppers, cheese and scallions for a tasty omelette.
(9) Hidden inside is a formula to defrost a cryogenically-frozen John Lennon, who will come out of his hibernation singing "I am the Eggman!!"
(8) Holds a computer virus that will contaminate all of the world's web browsers, bookmarking them with any and all Robin Scorpio Fan Club sites.
(7) Mix contents into a meatloaf recipe for a hearty dinner loaded with protein, iron, potassium...and, um, a few mind-control drugs.
(6) (Insert Your Own Vampire Joke Here)
(5) Contains a biological virus that gives all it infects a vicious bout of "Helmet Hair"...any guesses as to who its first victim was?
(4) It's merely the prize for the winner of the grand Port Charles Easter Egg Hunt, to be held on the lawn of the mayor's mansion later this month. Kids of all ages welcome!!!
(3) It's a music box--wind it up, and it plays the love song for every woman that Luke romanced after Laura vanished from the foggy docks (first song is "Baby Come To Me").
(2) It contains the mysterious secret to that bizarre scene that came out of left field with Felicia, her sling, and Mac, getting pulled over by a cop.
(1) Attach an atomizer nozzle, and it dispenses the great smell of BRUT, by Faberge. And then you die.
MISS MANNERS' TOP 10 TIPS
FOR LIFE IN A COLLAPSED CAVE
(10) Be considerate of others--be careful not to rub styrofoam boulders together, the squeaking sound can be deemed unpleasant.
(9) Narrow crawlspaces are no different than doorways--LADIES FIRST.
(8) When tunnel dirt pours down on you, spitting it out in the open is considered gauche. Rather, remove it from your mouth discreetly into a folded napkin, and discard properly.
(7) Men, when nature calls, be sure not to leave the rock up when you're done.
(6) A corpse in clear view is in poor taste--a few fabric swatches and safety pins can transform it into an effective futon!
(5) Please allow at least three weeks notice for a proper rescue party.
(4) A man who does not help a woman on with her safety harness is not a true gentleman.
(3) Thank you notes to rescuers are a MUST, except in the case of brain-damaged heroes, in which case you can pretend you sent one, because frankly they'll never know for sure.
(2) After a steamy session of sexual intercourse, refrain from the traditional smoking of cigarettes--they use up valuable oxygen.
(1) When shouting to potential rescuers, remember, it's "HELP, PLEASE!"
TOP 10 WAYS GENERAL HOSPITAL
COULD BENEFIT FROM CLONING
(10) Crime in Port Charles drops 79% as Team Taggert cracks down on angry thugs!
(9) Agoraphobic-and-braless Carly #2 could accompany agoraphobic-and-braless Carly #1 on those scary grocery shopping expeditions.
(8) Just think, one Miranda to tackle each daunting range of emotion!
(7) Ned Ashton, Eddie Maine, two seperate people!
(6) Having two Lucases available would put to bed the threat of a long, boring custody trial.
(5) Brenda1 with Sonny, Brenda2 with Jax, Brenda3 with Matt M--everyone is happy!!
(4) "Ryan Chamberlain and Kevin Collins, meet your long lost triplet brother, Otto."
(3) A squadron of Rubys = no more hiring of storylineless new kids in town to wait tables at Kelly's.
(2) One Robin assigned to each storyline to pass along her years and years of pithy wisdom and sound advice.
(1) Luke could tell Stefan what he can do with himself...and Stefan could actually DO IT!
TOP 10 WAYS VANESSA MARCIL
HAS BROKEN MY HEART
(10) Wearing Dress #1 (the 2-piece number) to the SOD Awards, without the courtesy of a private modeling session for me.
(9) Changing OUT of Dress #1 before I had a chance to get the VCR running.
(8) Sitting with Tyler Baker.
(7) Blatantly omitting me from her acceptance speech.
(6) Thanking Tyler, of all people, in her speech, despite his obviously receding hairline. (I have very nice hair, BTW).
(5) Dating Nathan Fillon in NYC for all those months without so much as a phone call asking me to go rollerblading with her in Central Park.
(4) Most simply said, the pigtails in THE ROCK.
(3) Turning down PLAYBOY's generous offers.
(2) Not dissuading Leslie Horan from her dramatic aspirations when they went to high school together.
(1) Three words: MRS. COREY FELDMAN.
TOP 10 ROAD SIGNS SEEN
WHEN DRIVING THROUGH PORT CHARLES
(10) Welcome to Port Charles! Population 108,246...give or take a few returned-from-dead folks
(9) Guess Miranda's Occupation, Win A Steak Dinner With The Mayor!
(8) 17 Days Until Robin's Next Vacation (a "digital" sign, updated like those lottery jackpot ones)
(7) Caution - Bridges Known To Freeze Over In August
(6) Holiday Inn 1/4 mile......Sheraton Hotel 1/2 mile......Brownstone next left
(5) Speed Limit Strictly Enforced! Don't Make Our Angry Cops Take You DOWN!
(4) Left Lane for Brenda/Sonny fans, Right Lane for Brenda/Jax fans
(3) Home of the Braless Physical Therapist!
(2) Honk If Stefan Is Your Father
(1) The City of 1,001 Stories...and 1,001 Days To Tell Them.
STEFAN & LAURA'S BIG SECRET:
THE TOP 10 THEORIES
(10) Lulu was the recipient of vampire bone marrow, and now is destined to become one of the kindred.
(9) Despite appearances, Leslie actually isn't all that crazy about the soup they've been feeding her.
(8) The infamous Ice Princess weather machine was no more than some chicken wire, aluminum foil and an Atari 800 keyboard wired up to a Beta VCR.
(7) Alexis is actually Laura's sister Amy, Amy is actually Helena, and Helena is actually Stavros. Or something along those lines.
(6) The objective of The Cassidine Plan� is merely to redecorate each and every set on GH, starting with Kevin's lighthouse and Sonny's new office.
(5) Stefan has a secret closet full of pink Izod polo shirts, plaid golf pants and Birkenstocks.
(4) A good conditioner can prevent goatees from chafing tender inner thigh skin.
(3) Nikolas is actually in his mid 20's, just lies about his age to get reduced-price movie tickets.
(2) Yes, it is true--Lucky wears lipstick.
(1) The "Greek Island" in their flashbacks is actually a rest stop along the Pacific Coast Highway, just outside Santa Monica (no facilities).
LESLIE "MIRANDA" HORAN'S
TOP 10 FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
(10) Wickedly duplicitous.
(9) Intense concentration.
(8) Self-assured bemusement.
(7) Silently scheming.
(6) Keen realization.
(5) Unabashedly wanton.
(4) Emotionally befuddled.
(3) Vapid (sigh, yes, she still has the occasional moment).
(2) Bitterly vengeful.
(1) Complex pontification.
TOP 10 WAYS THAT BOBBIE HAS
GIVEN WINDEMERE A WOMAN'S TOUCH
(10) Tied a pretty pink bow onto Spot's head, just in case a visitor accidentally triggers open the stairs.
(9) Insists to guests that the bats they hear above are actually monarch butterflies.
(8) Previously dreary boat launch replaced with Disney-themed log flume ride.
(7) Handmade throw rugs to cover odd patches of dried blood.
(6) Religiously reading new book, MARTHA STEWART'S GUIDE TO THE COMFY CASTLE.
(5) Crocheted Guillotine Cozies.
(4) When company is over, Lucas is forbidden from doing that trick where he puts a lightbulb in mouth and it turns on.
(3) Stefan now allowed only one album of funeral dirge music in the living room's 12-CD player.
(2) Fresh-picked wildflowers woven into corner spiderwebs.
(1) Goodbye old rusty doorbell; Hello large, attractive knockers!
TOP 10 PORT CHARLES
VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS
(10) "Felicia......On this Valentine's Day, wherever you're walking, I will not be far, because I'm still stalking......love, Kevin"
(9) "Tony......You make my heart do somersaults, our steamy tumbles drive me wild, but I hope you don't flip, when you learn I'm Bobbie's child......love, Carly"
(8) "Laura......After all of these years darlin', I don't know what can be said, but one thing comes to mind, Did you gain weight while you were dead?......love, Luke"
(7) [Sorry, the Valentine from Justus to Dara that was here has been put aside in order to make room for everyone else's cards]
(6) "Emily.......You know I think you're real cool, and I like hangin' with you a lot, so let's make it a date, you bring booze--I'll bring pot......take it easy, Matt"
(5) "Miranda......The wet pulsating waves, making mad love on the sand, you would be my beachfront Valentine, if you weren't so bloody bland......love, Jax"
(4) "Sonny......Your power is sexy, the way you rule over the town, so this is my eternal vow, I'm gonna take you DOWN......Taggert"
(3) "Robin......Your wish is my command, I'll do anything you please, I wanna make your dream come true, so let's drive on out to Chuck E. Cheez......love, Jason"
(2) "Monica......As older women go, you were one of the best, not bad I have to say, for a desperate hag with one breast......see ya in court, freak...Pierce"
(1) "Stefan......These things that I'm feeling, is it love I dont know, perhaps Cupid has shot me, (but at least he used a bow)......love, Katherine"
TOP 10 RECENT HEADLINES
THE PORT CHARLES HERALD
(10) NEW SEWAGE TREATMENT PLAN ENDORSED BY MAYOR
(9) DOWNTOWN PARK TO RECEIVE NEW STATUE
(8) HOSPITAL DEDICATION MARRED BY APPEARANCE OF UNDEAD HONOREE
(7) HIGHWAY REPAIRS AHEAD OF SCHEDULE
(6) NEIGHBORHOOD ASSOCIATION REJECTS BID FOR EAST SIDE SHOPPING CENTER
(5) NOTORIOUS CLAN OF VAMPIRES STEPS IN TO SAVE BANKRUPT HOSPITAL
(4) BRAVE FIREMAN RESCUES BABY IN RESTAURANT FIRE
(3) CITIZENS FEAR VAMPIRE CLAN WILL FREEZE TOWN AGAIN
(2) LOCAL UNEMPLOYMENT DIPS 2% IN 1996
(1) BRENDA JAX, THE PERFUME GIRL, GETS RUN IN STOCKING
TOP 10 IMPROVEMENTS RESULTING
FROM HOSPITAL RENOVATION
(10) Nurses' station features a hideaway make-up trowel for Amy.
(9) PA announcements now done by Barry White (e.g. "Nurse Brady, your love is needed by me, and that is 'stat', baby.").
(8) Emergency goatee trimmer for Stefan located at end of every corridor.
(7) Signage in pediatric ward announcing that Audrey's hair is, in fact, not cotton candy, and so small children shouldn't pull at it.
(6) The Extended-Stay Private Luxury Room line, by Ralph Lauren (sponsored by Katherine Bell).
(5) Cafeteria is now a food court featuring Kelly's Diner, Dunkin Donuts and Starbuck's.
(4) Water fountains now dispense hot and cold running blood (a "rather strange request", according to one board member, but one Stefan heavily campaigned for).
(3) Soundproof domes that lower from lounge ceilings whenever a long stretch of Robin Scorpio dialogue is detected.
(2) Status board for doctors now lists "In", "Out", "At Lunch" and "Busy Stalking".
(1) Sterile latex glove dispensers for the doctors; Disposable bra dispensers for Carly.
TOP 10 THINGS THAT SCARE SONNY
MORE THAN CONFINED SPACES
(10) The way that Detective Taggert has recently been declaring, "I'm gonna take you downtown...Cupcake."
(9) Being forced to watch Tony Geary in Penitentiary III.
(8) Repeated viewings of Stefan and Kat's Twist Of Fate shooting flashback.
(7) Brenda's black leather vest & satin shirt combo.
(6) That Cecily will figure out where he has moved to.
(5) Ever coming to terms with the deep-seeded reasons behind his frequent desire to run his hands thru Jax's hair.
(4) That his rough-n-tough enemies will discover that Jason, his main henchman, owns 276 votive candles. And uses them.
(3) Mike's Nestle Quik-based version of a Bahama Mama.
(2) That weird look Robin gets in her eye just prior to delivering an endless, depressing speech.
(1) Four words: Miranda Jameson is "Hamlet"
TOP 10 WAYS THE SPENCER FAMILY
KEPT BUSY WHILE IN HIDING
(10) Gas mask drills for when Dad lights up one of his cigars.
(9) Wracking their brains over how Tom, of all people, got mixed up in their storyline.
(8) Frankly getting really, really fed up with Lulu's damn ear infections.
(7) Perusing the dog-eared "L" section of the Name Your Baby book, just in case Laura gets pregnant again.
(6) Discovering an additional three Ice Princess statues hidden away in Leslie's hair.
(5) Scratching their heads over how they ended up in what appears to be Archie Bunker's old house.
(4) Hour-long family debates about whether Laura ever really intended to pursue that degree in social work.
(3) Lucky and Lulu running around the house playing "Cowboys and Cassidines."
(2) Laura wasting hours flipping around the TV looking for old Star Trek: The Next Generation reruns.
(1) Lots and lots of experimenting with their mail-order FlowBee� hair trimming system.
TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD DURING
COURT RECESS AT MONICA'S TRIAL
(10) "Well, what I read in the paper is that she dumped him when he stopped looking like Matt Fielding's lover from MELROSE PLACE"
(9) "Wow, get a load of the hooker here for an arraignment...oops, I'm sorry, that's Monica's daughter!"
(8) "Not only is this trial televised, but one of the cameras is mounted in Lila's hair"
(7) "Geez, enough with this harassment shmarassment! So who do YOU think Brenda should choose?!"
(6) "So, which Quartermaine son is the drunk, the one from KARATE KID III or the one from OUT OF THIS WORLD?"
(5) "This case isn't being prosecuted by that D.A. who sings in the elevators, is it?"
(4) "If his condom fits, you must acquit!"
(3) "Attention everyone! All of us who have slept with Monica during her marriage to Alan are gathering over by the stairs for a picture"
(2) "Isn't Monica's lawyer that lady who hangs around with the creepy guy in the black clothes?"
(1) "Reginald, stop worrying--this is definitely not one of those instances where the butler did it"
TOP 10 REASONS WHY KAT HASN'T
FIGURED OUT WHO STEFAN IS
(10) Hairstylist can't keep up with her room changes, and as a result her shaggy bangs are now blocking her vision.
(9) Between her negativity, and his wardrobe, she merely assumed he was the mortician stopping by to size her up.
(8) A bit too loopy from all the wonderful Demarol.
(7) I mean, c'mon, this is after all the same lady who didn't realize Ned had two wives!
(6) Seething over Bobbie's remarriage, Tony's scalpel slipped during surgery and accidentally gave Kat a labotomy.
(5) Damnit, she's just a simple cook's daughter and as such shouldn't be expected to pick up on such things!
(4) I mean, c'mon, this is after all the same lady who believed Damien didn't have the hots for Lucy!
(3) Just assumes he is a very attentive orderly with a rebellious fashion sense.
(2) Actually deduced weeks ago that he was Stefan, but then heard rumors on PCO that Miranda is also a Cassidine, and can't believe such an enigmatic, 3-dimensional man is related to such an utterly vapid mannequin, and hence she changed her mind.
(1) Frankly, she has been preoccupied with trying to figure out the whole purpose of last year's Madame Maia storyline.
LESLIE "MIRANDA" HORAN'S
TOP 10 FACIAL EXPRESSIONS
(10) Smug.
(9) Indifferent.
(8) Indifferent.
(7) Indifferent.
(6) Smug.
(5) Indifferent.
(4) Mildly constipated.
(3) Indifferent smugness.
(2) Vapid.
(1) Stonefaced.
TOP 10 OTHER REASONS
THAT ROBIN HAS BEEN CRYING
(10) Her old room is now littered with the two dozen white t-shirts and four pairs of faded jeans Miranda left behind.
(9) Ever since Emily started going through her "phase", no makeup left for Robin to buy at Windham's cosmetics counter.
(8) Just now ealized that she is a worse curse to people's lives than anything King Tutankhamen's treasure ever hoped to be.
(7) Having horrid, disturbing nightmares about a curling iron finding its way to her hair.
(6) Was informed by Yale that winter recess ended over two weeks ago, and she has missed three tests and one presentation.
(5) Upset by graffiti on Stone's bridge that reads: "THE STARS BEHIND YOU ARE FAKE! THEY'RE JUST LIGHT BULBS!!"
(4) Taggert just told her that she is still a suspect in the unsolved, mysterious disappearances of Olin and Decker.
(3) Ever since Anna and Robert "visited" her, she has been getting pesky, unwanted visits from the ghosts of Kevin O'Connor, Wendy Masters and Joe Scully.
(2) Found a blonde hair of Carly's on one of the 274 lovely votive candles Jason set up for their date.
(1) Has looked all over, and just can't seem to find the red sandals for her Baywatch Barbie!
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT STEFAN IS A VAMPIRE
(10) He has Anne Rice on his cel phone's speed dial.
(9) Someone fitting his description seen lurking in the WBS Vampire Chat Room under the handle "Horny Island Boy".
(8) When housekeeper Mrs. Lansbury asks if he'd like a steak, he thinks she says "stake", then clutches his chest and dashes for the nearest door.
(7) For Christmas, bought Lucas a "Tickle-Me-Renfield" doll.
(6) Gets a strange gleam in his eye when he asks Katherine if she'd like to go out for a "bite" when she gets better.
(5) Likes Brad Pitt; hates Tom Cruise.
(4) Bobbie wearing far too many turtlenecks lately (in a desperate attempt to hide weird, massive hickeys.
(3) Pine splinters in his satin pajamas.
(2) Is majorly pissed that the clerk in the hospital's blood supply room won't let him "run up a tab".
(1) Avoids mirrors even more than Miranda apparently does.