...you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother
will never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for.
...you realize you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year
...you have more toys than your kids
...your toilet seat is leather.
...you take up macrami, just to learn some new knots
...you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to
...someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and
you snort and start to stamp your foot
...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns ... and you don't eat sweets
...someone says they have a leatherman, you almost say "me too!" before
you realize they are talking about the tool gadget on their belt.
...you watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the
screen, "Gimme a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!"
...you go to the local county fair and salivate when the horse jumps are
setup.
...you have a list by the phone for the baby-sitter.... Hospital,
Family, and three 24 hour locksmiths
...you are on a first name basis with all the local EMT's
...you have the closest 24 hour locksmith as #1 on your speed dial list
...you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and
work with leather!
...you speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer
...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs, body cavity search,
humiliation scene and time in the cage.
...Avon tells you stop writing, they are not going to make eau d'leather
after shave
...vanilla means anything BUT a flavoring for ice cream!
(I dont get this one????)
...leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor
discount.
...you can't pass a candle factory without drooling (or wetting your
seat)
...your kids ask you about conditioning leather ....and it takes you a
minute to realize they are talking about their baseball gloves.
..."chain letter" has a whole different meaning to you.
...you haunt the dollar stores for "pervertibles"
...you've got a toy chest bigger than the one in your 6 year old son's
room.
...the local Leather hobby shop offers you a business account.
...your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes" for Halloween.
...your body piercings set off the metal detectors at the court house.
...you need two separate packing and moving crews.... one to pack and
move the furniture and belongings, and the other to pack
and move the "furniture" and "belongings".
...you choose your new house based on it's location: convenient to the
leather store, easily directed to by your friends and the
local ambulance drivers, and just a mile from the emergency room.
...you become a locksmith to avoid having to make embarrassing calls at
2 A.M.
...the local Home Depot has set you up with a business account... and
you are not a contractor or an electrician.
...you move to another city, and the hardware store in your old hometown
goes out of business because you don't buy there anymore.
...escape artists come to you for advice.
...you say Vanilla like it's a bad word.
(theres that damn vanilla reference again)
...you can't pass by an iron fence without drooling
...you know the location of every tack shop in the tri-state area.
...your idea of getting a jump in the morning is to hook up the other
end of your nipple clamp to the car battery
...you nearly cause an accident pulling into the lot where the sign
advertises FREE TODAY HOT WAX before you realize it's a
car wash.
...you cannot get through the opening lines of "Green Eggs and Ham" (I
Am Sam, Sam I Am) without giggling hysterically.
...your attitude is "electricity, not just a utility, but a way of
life".
...you've served more people than McDonald's.
...more people have seen your body on-line than have visited www.cnn.com
...you spend more time on your knees than a Catholic priest.
...you consider filing a lawsuit for false advertising when the pizza
place has a sign for HOT GREEK STYLE SUBS but they
wouldn't bend over to please you.
...you chose your last car based on the location of the garment hooks.
...the hospital lists you as a triage center, since you're better
equipped than the ER.
...you sit on Santa's lap to tell him the toys you want for X-mas, and
get a free trip to the North Pole.
..you buy clothespins in the supersize family economy bags, and you
don't have a family or a clothesline.
...there's enough rope in your bedroom to scale Mt. Everest.
...you find yourself wandering through the wax museum's medireview
torture chamber making comments like "gimme a break, my
Dom's grandmother could get out of that!"
...getting tattooed and pierced is merely foreplay.
...you bought a souvenir replica of the Washington Memorial because you
were too cheap to go to the adult store and get a real you tatoot
plug.
...you think Hannibal Lecter is a snazzy dresser.
...someone tries to talk you out of your blind date by saying he's sick
and sadistic and you perk, god i hope so!
...you think VA stands for Vanilla Anonymous.