"I want a second opinion!" the man demands.
So the doctor brings in a cat. The cat walks around the hamster, sniffs him and shakes its head. "Well the cat says your hamster is dead," says the doctor.
"Well I want a third opinion." So the doctor brings in a Labrador Retriever. The lab walks around the hamster, sniffs him and shakes its head. "The lab says your hamster is dead."
"OK, fine. What do I owe you?"
"$650" the doctor said.
"What?!? What for?"
"Well, you owe me $50, but the other $600 is for the cat scan and the lab test."
You know you're getting addicted to your computer when...
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to pee and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. Your family always knows where you are.
9. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
10. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
A man was driving down the road behind a farmer's truck. Suddenly, a little pig fell out of the back of the truck. The man thought the farmer would want his pig back, so he pulled his car over and tried to catch the pig. After a long chase, the man caught the pig and and put him in the back of his car. But by now the farmer's truck was way ahead of him, so he had to drive really fast to catch up. The man was pulled over by a cop, who said "Sir, you were going 90 M.P.H. in a 55 M.P.H. zone."
The man told the cop the story about the pig and the cop said, "Well, you aren't giong to catch the farmer now, but I won't give you a ticket if you take the pig to the zoo."
The man said O.K. and left.
The next day, the same man came down the same highway and was pulled over by the same cop. The cop wasn't too happy. He walked up to the car and he saw the little pig in the back seat wearing a bathing suit on. The cop aked what was going on, and the man said, "Well, since we had so much fun at the zoo, today we're going to the beach!"
An old Jewish man is walking on the beach with his only grandson, when a giant wave crashes onshore, sweeping the boy out to sea. The man looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, this is my only grandson, how can you take him away from me like this? My son will not understand. My daughter-in-law will die from grief."
Another wave comes by, and deposits the boy at the old man's feet.
The grandfather looks to the heavens again and says, "He had a hat!"
One day, three guys went flying in a small airplane. For a joke, they dropped an apple out the window.
When they landed, they saw a man laughing heartily. They asked him, "What's the matter?" The man replied, "An apple came out of nowhere and hit me on the head!!"
The next day, they went flying again. This time they dropped a banana out the window. When they landed, they saw another man laughing like crazy! They asked him why he was laughing. He replied "A banana came out of nowhere and hit me on the head!"
The following day, they decided to drop a hand grenade out the window! After they landed, they were amazed to see a man laughing uncontrollably! They asked him "What's the matter?" The man replied, "I farted and that 7-Eleven blew up!'
A man in post op comes to after a serious amputation of his leg. The doctor comes to him and says, "I have some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?"
The man says, "Give me the bad news first."
The doctor says, "I am terribly sorry. We amputated the wrong leg!"
The man says, "OH MY GOSH!!! What could be good news after that?"
The doctor says, "The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes!"
Two Irishmen were in a lifeboat after their craft sank in a storm. After hours of floating aimlessly, one spotted an old lamp in the boat. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie appeared. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"
