How to Win at Golf

Once I did hear golf described as: A beautiful, scenic walk, spoiled by a little white ball. With a little help and hard however, you can learn to hit the ball very hard for spoiling your lovely walk.

HOW TO WIN AT GOLF:

  1. Training

    1. Mental Preparation

      1. Watch PGA on TV religiously
      2. Get that Playstation game "Hot Shot Golf"
      3. Rent "Personal Victory" subliminal tapes

    2. Equipment

      1. Make sure your putter has a pro autograph on it
      2. Pick up a bargain bag of tess-n-balls at Costco

    3. Diet

      1. Avoid baseball or football food
        1. No hotdogs
        2. No Pretzels
        3. No peanuts and Crackerjacks
      2. Drink Diet-Coke only, no Pepsi

  2. Pre-Game

    1. Dress

      1. Put on new shorts, even if it is freezing
      2. Buy a new hat if you lost last time

    2. Location and Scheduling

      1. Select a course where your spouse wont find you
      2. To save on fees, play where your buddy works

    3. Opponent

      1. Look for: Out-of-shape, inexperienced players
      2. Shun: Suntan, stethescope, strident walk, Florida accent
      3. Buy opponent as mant pre-game sodas as possible

  3. On the Course

    1. Tee first, then develop severe hayfever
    2. Drive cart ovet opponent's ball to degrade aerodynamics
    3. Say "fore" just before ball makes contact with opponent
    4. Always replace divots when putting
    5. Water cooler holes are a good time to replace any errors in ball placement
    6. Never record strokes taken when opponent is visiting the "facilities"
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