Helpless cries, forgotten in the flowing wind. A black in the darkness, apparent but still... not observable, not to catch. Yearning stays unreachable.
And everything sinks down deeper and deeper.
I have the feeling my world consists of shards, whose sharp tips always look into my direction. Lurking. Hoping. Destroying.
Every time I think that Iíve reached my low point, some will less shadow shows me of how much Iím wrong. Of how much I chase after my desperation.
Because it can always get worse.
Dear God. I never wanted him to see me like that. I never wanted him to recognize how deep I had actually fallen. How deep I am already beneath him. How far we edged away from each other. As long as I donít say it out aloud, it isnít true. Like a child that sits on the ground and has the opinion to be actually invisible if he thinks he is. How naive. But I think that I was always like that, naive.
I saw his look, when he pulled my arm closer to him to take a good look at my elbow. I knew he would look at me the way he did. With that glimpse of disappointment and pity in his eyes. Thatís the reason I tried to struggle, I tried to fight him. I donít want his pity. I donít know what I want at all anymore. Once I wanted respect. Maybe now I only want my next needle, bringing me my next wave of normality. My world has become crazy, seemingly unreachable, estranged.
A part of me hopes, that Trunks will keep this whole shit to himself. Iím not really keen on going to a therapist, who will try to make me understand, that my only release, my only way out, my only escape from reality is dangerous. And that I should keep my hands off of the game, that could cost my life, if I wonít stop it soon.
But I donít care. I donít know why. Itís as if my instinct of self- preservation is diminishing day by day, as if I donít have the will for anything else in my life but my way back to normality. I want to be free, like everybody else.
I need freedom. Kami, help me, I have to get out.
I want to shrugg everything off as a nightmare. Neither Trunks nor this room are real. Everything is just one more phantom of my world of delusion.
Deeper, deeper, deeper.
A mirror in the light.
Feelings of emptiness.
I try to brace my form to get up. I have to get out. Itís as if his eyes are on me all the time, staring at me with that look of disappointment. And it hurts. It hurts, that I do not only disappoint myself, but also the person, that is most important to me.
Hopefully he doesnít say a word to my mum. Sheíd probably shout at me for the rest of my life. And my next. If she cares. Maybe she wonít say anything at all, because she doesnít have to buy so much to eat anymore. Ok, I admit, that the last sentence was cheap. I do know that sheís worried. She just doesnít understand that her yelling drives me further away from her. With every conflict I spend more time outside doing whatever what.
I donít like being at home. The only thing we do is arguing. Well, not really arguing for she does all the talking, but I guess you get the point.
Mostly I only stay home for one to two hours in which I try to sleep in my bed and extrude my motherís voice.
Yeah, thatís Son Goten. Thatís me. Thatís what I have become. Iím not worthy enough for you or your friendship anymore. You shouldnít have to worry about me, Trunks. Iím sorry. I really am. Iím just causing you trouble and pain all the time.
"Please donít hate me..." This are the only words, that Iím able to bring out. And I mean them. I know, that I wonít be able to stop anymore. Thereto IĎm too much involved. Furthermore I donít expect pity. I donít want pity. Especially not from him. I just donít want him to hate me for being too weak to pull me out of this situation, in which Iíve gotten myself, on my own again. Damn it, I never wanted for him to know. I didnít avoid any contact as much as possible for nothing. I didnít rarely come to school for nothing. I shouldnít go to school at all. If I only hadnít gotten there. But I couldnít . As if a part of me pushed me to go back. To him. How stupid, I know. I wonít go to school anymore.
Silent rustling of clothes is audible and before I can look up I sense the breath of a touch on my cheek. I can fight my first reaction to twitch back just barely. Apparently I finally learned how to control myself, how to let my body not reveal my actual feelings, how to extrude my soul. Thatís the only way left for me, if I want to savor freedom further on.
TrunksĎ fingers form a gentle path from my cheek down to my arm, until he finally stops at my elbow.
"Why?" he whispers. I canít detain my body from flinching, when his sweet breath strikes my skin lightly.
Why...why... I donít know myself. Escape. Release. Normality. I want to be the same as everybody else. I want to be like everybody else, as much as possible again.
When I donít answer his question he lays his hand on my shoulder and pulls my body close to him. With the other one he tries to wipe off the tears, that find their way to the ground constantly. I donít know why IĎm crying. I donít know how Iím still able to feel enough to cry. But I canít stop. Kami, I canít stop. I want to, but it doesnít work. As if everything just breaks down on me.
He presses me closer to him, as if he is afraid I would run if he didnít. Not an unrealistic thought at all, maybe he knows me to well. Like maybe he knows nothing anymore. But fact is, that I would run by the first chance Iíd get, simply because Iím too chicken to surrender to him in this state of instability. But I canít. Every limb in my body seems to protest with the slightest of movements. Tiredness reaches for my senses, while Trunks weighs me into sleep softly.
Before it finally claims me, I wonder briefly why TrunksĎ shoulders are shaking.
Part Ten |