On drugs. Goten. My best friend since my childhood. Since Iím able to think. When someone had told me about this situation only half a year ago, I would have laughed at him. And then I would have beat him up. Nobody spreads lies about my friends. Especially not about him. What about now? Now Iíve seen it all with my own eyes, like some hateful nightmare, that doesnít want to disappear, no matter how hard you try.
How could I have missed it? How in the pitch black hell could I Ė who sees myself as his best friend Ė tell me, how couldnít I notice of what was happening to him?
Doubt and disappointment directed at my own person seek their way into my world of feelings immediately, destroying every little thing that might be a bar to them.
And for a moment I simply feel nothing, a delightful blankness.
Like the calm before the storm and it follows instantly, breaks through, breaks down on me, breaks apart upon me.
Feelings and thoughts in such intensity, that they threaten to suffocate me and burst my skull into agony.
It had been me. I sent him away every time he came and tried to entrust me of his feelings until even the last spark of this gift, the gift to be able to trust somebody, until the last spark ran dry in the middle of nowhere. And I didnít notice. Didnít avert it. Left him alone with his pain.
When I look back, I have to admit, that I enjoyed our very first touch as much as he had. It was like... like a fire, like a shock, that electrifies and leaves you yearning for more. Maybe that idea scared me too much at that time. That I wanted something, which from I knew that it was wrong. Heís my best friend, for Kamiís sake.
And thatís the reason I pushed him away for the first time, the reason why I took the first girl running across my path and showed her to him almost like my own slut. She didnít protest, maybe she didnít even notice, that all of this wasnít about her, but rather to show my best friend, that I wasnít able to feel more than friendship towards him. Yes. Yes, I saw the look in his beautiful eyes, when he raised his head and recognized what the situation was about. Disappointment combined with pain and bitterness. That was the second time I pushed him away from me.
The third time was the moment I slapped him. Without any reason.
Actually I should rather be surprised, that he didnít break down sooner. Maybe I asumed automatically, that he was strong enough to overcome every single problem the world came up with. It was Goten, my friend, always there when I needed him most. How could I never see, that he wasnít equal to the situation anymore, before? How could I impose him with my problems, when he couldnít even cope with his own? And the worst is, that he never complained about anything. Not once. He would just smile and say that everything would get alright again and I believed him. He was always right.
What kind of friend am I. He gave me everything, his body, his soul, his heart. And I crushed them time and time again.
"Please donít hate me..." His voice is barely a hoarse croak. I finally lift my head up to look into his eyes. No, not his eyes anymore. Theyíre lacking of the certain gleam in them, that attracted me for what seems eternity. As if he couldnít find the significance of life anymore. No. Not the significance of life. The significance to live. The urge, the instinct to exist.
I get the sudden impulse to just hug him, to show him, that he shouldnít give up. For himself. For us. For me.
When I pull him a little bit closer, I sense for the first time the feeling, that he must have felt the whole time. Proximity is pain. The closer you are to somebody, the more youíll trust them. The more youíll open up and reveal your weaknesses.
That was exactly what Goten had done, and I refused him.
Now he lays here, in my arms, not more than a trembling body.
My hand touches his cheek lightly and moves down his throat until it ends its way on his elbow.
I donít really expect him to answer a question, whose answer is so obvious. Of course I still hope he does, contrary to expectations. I want to be certain.
But he stays still.
Desperation flows through my veins like blood, when I recognize the tears in his eyes. My whole being screams for me to crash him to me and vamp his broken world back up. I see the fear in his eyes, curtly before he closes his lids once again. I can sense his silent protest, his inward turmoil more than I can actually feel it. As if heíd like to stand up and go away, never to come back again. Just to disappear out of my life. But I canít let him. I canít let him go away again. Not when I know, that I wonít be able to see him again after that, not when I know what heíd already laid upon himself with his own hands And what he still could do.
How deep is he involved?
I donít really know how long I hold him in my arms, how long I crush him to me as if he was everything I still have left. I donít even know when I started crying, I just hope that Goten was already asleep by then. At the moment he needs somebody, who can support him, not a person, who imposes him with additive weakness.
Goten murmurs silently in his sleep, when I sit up and take his weakened body with me. A tremor passes through him and for a moment I feel his virtual strength again, when he snatches at my clothes. His fingers, however, release the fabric after a few seconds again.
After I wrapped him safely into the blanket, I take my place on the chair once again and watch his restless sleep.
When I open my eyes, I recognize, that I must have also fallen asleep. A hasty look to Goten assures me, that heís still captured in the land of his dreams.
I breathe out deeply, relieved that heís still here at my side.
A quiet knock on the door makes me jump slightly. I run my fingers through my hair briefly, an unavailing attempt to keep at least the appearance of care, while I move towards the door to open it slowly.
My heart stops beating for some seconds.
"Who else should it be? May I come in?"
I nod - more because Iím too dumbfounded at the moment, than anything else - and move aside. She passes me and walks towards my bedroom.
My eyes widen, when I finally become conscious of the situation and I reach for her wrist to prevent her from waking up the sleeping figure on my bed.
"Not there. In the kitchen."
She looks at me for a moment with a strange impression in her eyes, then nods seemingly reluctant and follows me into the kitchen Ė not, however, before she throws one further suspicious glare at the bedroom door.
I sit down on one of the chairs, while Iím waiting for her to do the same. Which she does. Though she doesnít sit down on a chair, not directly at least, but rather on my lap.
My upper body leans back almost instinctively as far as possible. A small noise Ė I think from my bedroom Ė startles me briefly, but my thoughts rivet attention on my former girlfriend immediately, when she positiones her legs on each side of the chair. With one hand she lifts my chin lighty up to look into my eyes.
"W- What do you want, Asca?"
Instead of an answer she smiles and touches my lips with hers. No. No. Thatís wrong. Sheís not-
My thoughts are interrupted by the silent closing of a door.
"You seem to be in another world... Trunks." I look back to her. Her face is so near, I can feel her breath on my skin. Her hands begin a dangerous direction downwards.
I gasp and reach for her hands hastily.
"What the hell?!"
She frowns and looks actually hurt for a moment. Then the stands up rashly, a furious glance in her eyes.
"You have another one?ď She moves her head and her eyes remain on my bedroom door then she looks at me again. "Is she in there? Is that it?!"
She turns around and moves swiftly to the implied room.
Before I can stop her, she bangs the door open and looks around. Then she turns back to me, perplexed.
"Why didnít you want me to-"
I push her aside lightly and take a look for myself, a bitter apprehension forming, eating into my soul like acid.
The room is empty.
"SHIT!!" What now? Where could he have gone? His ki is so weak, that I canít notice it anymore. Dammit!
My knees canít hold my weight any longer and I fall down to the ground helplessly.
"Trunks...?" Ascaís voice sounds unsure.
I hear her steps becoming quieter. Then the noise of a door, opening and closing.
I stay still for one more moment on the ground, then sit up slowly and smash the first thing that stands in my way. Whatever it was lies now in thousand pieces on the floor.
I breathe in deeply and cover my face with trembling hands.
Part Eleven |