Classes come and go. Iím seriously surprised that I even find my different classrooms. I canít concentrate. Just stare of into space, thinking.
More than one of my teachers exhorted me because I didnít listen to their instructions.
I then always tilted my head and muttered my agologies, not even knowing for what I was actually saying sorry.
My mind was splitting into two halfs.
One of it wanted to receive freedom and redemption again. One more moment of bliss.
The other wanted what I could never have.
The first option was out of the question. I knew of the consequences. I was somewhere far down on the ladder, I didnít want to fall any deeper. I didnít want to drown.
But the second one was more dolorous by far. And only my first option could help me to get over it. Damn the infinite circle. I just donít know what to do.
No. No I wonít go to that alley again. Itís too dangerous. Iím not exactly stable at this times. Not stable enough.
"Goten!" A hissed word brings me back to reality. I tilt back and look at my neighbor for this class. I raise my eyebrows, silently asking whatís wrong. She nods her head to our chemistry teacher.
I rivet my attention on the person in front.
"Thatís the third time Iím asking you a question, Goten. And I bet you arenít able to answer this one either."
I smile sheepishly and move further into my chair.
"No. If you donít pay attention, then please leave my class. Youíll just disturb the other pupils with your attitude. Itís obvious that you havenít been listening to a single word I said during this whole period."
I swallow hard and nod. After I packed up my things I stand up and leave class without another word.
Outside the building I lean my head against a tree harshly and sigh. I slide down slowly and lay a trembling hand on my forehead. I breath in deeply, quivering slightly.
Seems like everything goes wrong currently. Can I forget everything... when the world blurrs? Can I close my eyes to rest in peace?
No, no. Donít let your thoughts even go there, Goten!
Youíre strong. Youíre brave. Youíre proud.
You donít need anyone.
Why canít he see it?! Why canít he see me falling apart!
Friendship is a big joke.
The better you lie, the better the friendship will be.
I shake my head at those unwanted and untruthful thoughts and pull my body up from the ground again.
I have some hours left before I can go home, else my mum will become suspicious and keep on scolding and questioning me for hours about bunking off.
I let my feet wander, not even bothering where they might get me to. The sky is a fascinating shade of blue and reminds me of TrunksĎ eyes. Warm and gentle. And unreachable.
Why did I have to fall in love with him. There are scores of people out there who would gladly accept my offer, then why Ė out of all people Ė him? Why my best friend, why somebody who would never embrace what I presented.
"I knew ya would come back." A female voice says softly. I twitch as I look around and recognize the place. As I recognize the voice. I must have come here unconsciousely.
The young woman wears the same outfit as before, her hair is uncombed and tied up in a ponytail roughly. Her face is surprising beautiful, although cold, iron traits are noticeable.
"Ya donít look well. Bad day?"
"Yeah," I mumble. "Yeah. Something like that." I sit down beside her.
"How did you know I would come back?"
"Ya face, ya eyes." She says simply.
"What about them?"
"They speak of pain Ďn loss." She smiles gently again and turns her head into my direction.
"YaĎ re a lot like me. I saw myself in ya eyes. Thatís why."
"Whatís your name?"
No, no donít ask that Goten! Donít get personal! Donít get any deeper!
"Nice name." She smiles for a moment, then gets serious again.
"Ya know. Ya need to bring certain things with ya, next time."
"Well, a syringe with needle, a spoon, a lighter, a cigarette filter, a belt or tube, citric acid. The ordinary." She says it as if she has done it thousands of times before.
Then maybe she has.
"I donít think Iíll come again. This is the last time..." I explain.
She just raises her eyebrows. No reply. Maybe that should alert me, but it doesnít.
"Ya wanna forget huh?"
I blink at her abrupt change of the subject.
She takes my hand and pulls my sleeve back again.
My mind screames and protests: Fight it. Fight her!
But my body disobeys.
And so I just sit there still and let her do whatever she wants to.
It is the last time after all. Why not enjoy it as long as it lasts?
Release washes over me. And with it comes be feeling of safety and love.
--- Where did we go astray... can you tell me? ---
Part Five |