Itís been three days. He hasnít even spoken a single word to me since that incident.
My chest hurts, but I know itís a pain I will have to live with. Sometimes I wonder if hearts can bleed tears when they break. It sure feels that way.
But I knew the risk. I should have never taken it, yeah, I see it now as well. Sometimes, however, you have to do something stupid to learn from it. Learn it the hard way, it will be easier to remember. Then maybe, hopefully youíll never make the same mistake again.
Iím tired of waiting for an appearance on his part. Heís just too proud. At least I sincerely hope, thatís the only reason.
It seems it will be me again who has to jump over his own shadow and make the first move. I know I canít have him the way I actually want, but I want to save our friendship. We have a bond I would never like to break because of my selfish actions. Even if it means to deny everything that happened between us. Forget that he responded for a second.
I sigh and walk through the school corridor to his locker, intending to wait for him there. It will only get more difficult with every passing day so I might as well get over with it today. Who cares about pride when friendship is involved. What a bitter thought. He seems to care about it a lot, though, if he gives it priority.
Some giggling tears me out of my own world. I shake my head and concentrate on the scene before my eyes.
It seems I donít even have to wait for him anymore.
It seems I donít even want to wait for him anymore.
Welcome to reality, Goten.
I stop dead in my tracks, only able to stare.
How... I mean....
He has his arm around the very person, who giggled before.
When he spots me, he raises his hand and winks.
Iím going to be sick. Iím going to be sick.
He squeezes the girlís Ė girlís Ė shoulder and kisses her lightly, murmuring quiet words into her ears. She giggles again and he steps away, towards me.
I back down.
No. No. You canít just play with my feelings. Do you think Iím stupid? Do you think I donít know exactly, that this was nothing but a show to make it clear, that youíre out of my reach. Damn bastard! Iíve known already, you damn bastard!
... Donít you understand how much it hurts?
"Iím sorry, Goten. I shouldnít have reacted the way I did. I was surprised, I guess..."
"Donít be." My voice is venom, but Iím actually proud that I refrain from speaking out loudly what I really think.
You have every reason to be sorry.
But not for your actions three days ago, they can be forgiven. It should be today that you are sorry for.
"So... friends again?"
I only nod and smile weakly. I donít trust my voice enough to speak. The honest expression in his eyes tells me, that he isnít even aware of what heís doing to me.
Weíre drifting apart. I want to laugh at the fact, that he doesnít even notice it. But I stay silent, say my goodbyes and go, excusing myself with the lame plea to have to go to the restroom.
Actually not really a lie. I can feel the...
Hold on! Hold on!
An everlasting mantra in my head to motivate me to keep going just some more seconds.
I hurry to the next toilett as fast as I can, banging the door open and rushing inside.
Bitter gile is forcing its way up my throat and I choke heavily. My chest heaves unsteadily while my stomach seems to turn about 180 degrees.
After some minutes my breathing normalizes again, my throat is sore and burning. I suppress a sob and bury my head in my hands.
I must have sat there for hours, my chin on my knees, rocking back- and forwards with no tears left to cry, with no sound left to make, because when I finally stand up to leave school the halls are empty and abandoned.
I sigh and set out for home, not really wanting to go there yet. My way leads me through a small alley and I stop when I see a small figure sitting on the floor.
No, Iím not afraid, I know that no human being could do me any harm. But there is something about this situation, that seems so... lost and hopeless. And that is exactly what makes me pause and stare.
The fragile form down there is a girl, maybe a little younger than me, however, one year at the most. Her clothes are torn and dirty, it seems as if she hadnít changed them for a long time.
I must have made a small sound, for she raises her head and looks at the intruder. At me. To my surprise, she then smiles warmly and pats the spot beside her, inviting me without words.
Her eyes are dark, deep. As if she keeps a secret within them. Silent wisdom of defeat in her eyes.
I donít know why I accept her offer. Maybe because I can see myself in her. Maybe because I pity her. Itís not really that important after all.
"Ya look quite buggered, huh." She smiles at me again with her knowing eyes.
"Wanna try? Makes ya feels better."
She holds out a syringe and I look at her strangely.
"Give it a shot. Makes ya forget ya sorrows."
Part Three |