Grief

As I go through my grief for Suzanne, I have started
writing my feelings. Below, you will find what I've written so far.

Mother�s Heart

It�s easy to be self-centered when you lose a child.  You ask questions like, �What am I going to do without you?  How can I live the rest of my life with you gone?  Who will take care of me when I�m too old to care for myself?�  And on and on!

I miss my daughter so much; words cannot describe how I feel.  But, it really hit me one day, as I felt the pain of her absence.  She is in Heaven.  She�s happy�happier than I could ever begin to imagine!  She�s free of pain, worry, and fear.  She�s filled with the love of God.  She�s surrounded by pure goodness.

If she were still on this earth and had the opportunity to experience all those things, I would never deny her that.  Why, then, do I want to deny it to her now?

Because I can�t hug her, tell her I love her, talk to her, and spend time with her.  But, my mother�s heart wants everything good for her.  So, through my tears and struggling with deep sorrow, I trust the Lord to take care of her.

I know for certain that my daughter is with Jesus.  That she has complete joy and love.  I know that I will see her again and we�ll be together for eternity.

NES 2/23/06

Hope

Crying is a very normal and natural thing to do when you�ve lost someone you love.  Doesn�t matter if you�re a parent, sibling, child, or dear friend; you�re going to cry.  Your tears may be easily seen by those around you.  Others may cry when they�re alone.

I have shed tears over the loss of my father, when I was 14-years-old.  I cried when my mother passed away at the age of 73.  I mourned and wept at the tragic loss of my nephew when he was only 23-years-old.  I�ve sobbed at losing my grandmother, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends.

Yet, the deep sorrow I have at losing my daughter is something I�ve never experienced before.  I have wailed.  The crying seems to come from the pit of my stomach and takes my breath away.

Perhaps it�s because mother and child are connected from the time of conception.  When your child dies, that connection seems to be severed.  It is more than painful, it is agony.

When I saw Trinity for the first time after Suzanne passed away, she gave me a charm.  On it is written, �Hope�.  That touched me to my very core.  This precious little girl just lost her mother, yet she encouraged me with �Hope�.

I have hope.  Hope of seeing Suzanne again, and knowing that the mother-child connection will never be severed.

(I love you, Trinity!)

The Mirror

Sometimes I think that I�m not dealing with Suzanne�s passing.  I go to work, come home, play games on Pogo.com, read, and sometimes dance to the oldies.  J (Sometimes!)

I find things to occupy my mind.  If I don�t do that then Suzanne�s absence surely will.  It does anyway, but I try to ignore it.

Is putting off the inevitable a wise choice?  I�m finding out that it isn�t.

For as much as dealing with reality distresses me, I know that I need too.  I have to go through all the sorrow of not having my daughter here with me anymore.  I have to allow myself to cry, wail, and moan�even if I feel like I can�t breathe.

I resist �looking in the mirror� because the woman who stares back at me is a mourning mother.  That person lost her best friend.  The woman is in pain.

When I allow myself to look in that mirror long enough, I see other reflections.  I see Jesus standing beside me, holding me close.  I see my daughter standing beside Him, smiling with joy and contentment.  That brings peace and strength to my heart and soul.

I keep looking in that mirror and there I see my brother, Bill, who has been a strong support for me since Suzanne left for Heaven.  I see Trinity looking back at me with love and a smile.  She inspires me to hope for the future.

I see other reflections:  my brothers, Jeff and Bob.  I see Terri and Bill.  I see my son, Brian.  I see Kris, Steve, and Ruth.  I see Ruth Weldon.  I see Delight and David.  My friend, DebBEE. Reflections of people who care and are there for me.  People who miss Suzanne too.  So many:  Jenny, Kathy, Karen, Marie, and Harriet.  Kirby and Sue.  Suzanne�s friends, our family.  Too many people to name!  (So please don�t be offended if your name isn�t here.  Because your reflection is there!)

Now I know that although dealing with reality brings anguish, it also brings healing.  Because reality tells me that Suzanne is with the Lord, Jesus.  And the Lord, Jesus, is with me.  Reality brings to light all the love and support I have around me.  I am grateful for this truth, and look forward to tomorrow.

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