I'm 22 today. What that means I don't know. I'm on one of my down swings. I don't really want or expect anything from anybody, except one person. Just to hear her voice on this day would mean so much. A year ago she had to call me. But if she called today it would be because she wanted to. I doubt she'll call. I doubt she'll even remember. I wonder how I'll look back at my youth. 10 years from now what will I think of myself? If I'm still working on an undergrad degree someone better just off my ass. I think it is better that I state just how I feel right now than leave it up to the imagination.
Well self�how you doin? So you want to know what was going on when you were 22 eh? Let's see�You haven't had a smoke or a sip of alcohol in 5 weeks. You've come to the conclusion that although you don't need alcohol to have fun, it definitely helps.
You're still fat. You'd give anything to be in shape. You still think that's the reason why haven't found that person. You tell yourself that one day you'll get to that point where you won't be ashamed of the way you look. You tell yourself that losing 25lbs isn't that hard and you'll get around to it when you finish school.
You are still pathetically in love with the same beautiful woman you were in love with a year ago. Only now she doesn't love you back. It's a pain you've dealt with before and it isn't any easier the second time around. You were a fool to lay it all on the line. You question yourself daily on why you gave everything and didn't hold anything back. You wish she would call just to say I love you, like she used to. You hope that tomorrow will be a little easier emotionally than today. Sometimes it is, most of the time it isn't. At night and in the morning she's what you think of. Part of you hopes that this isn't the case years from now, part of you hopes she's there next to you years from now. As always, you take it one day at a time. You'll just have to be content whispering to yourself in the darkness. I love you natty.
YOU ARE STILL IN SCHOOL! You wonder when in the hell this will ever finish. At present time you have 58 confirmed hours towards the degree plan w/ a possible 77 completed pending a transcript review by next December. Even though it is wrong, you measure your success or lack there of in life by your failures in education. Your entire existence revolves around completing a degree. You accept that failure is not an option. As with everything else, you take your education one day at a time.
Ma and Pops are alive in well in the new house. Abuela is still with you and actually just called. When you read these years from now, you'll remember just how much these people that you were blessed w/ mean to you. Your family truly is a blessing and the love they have for you and the love and affection you have for them is what keeps you going. They are the rock that which you have carved yourself from. Never forget that.
Your best friends are truly people to cherish. You have a good companionship w/ musa. The greatest Jordanian man from Palestine that you will ever meet. Musa is the kind of friend that you almost feel someone bestowed upon you. The journey you take in your life is filled w/ perils and you need good people surrounding you. Jeagan is alive and well, healthy to this point. You share an uncommon bond. Hopefully you can be as good a friend to him as he has been to you. There are many others, Bryce your old friend from grade school, Jeremy and his other half sam, Yassine and his newly found citizenship. There are the kind people at work, Barbara, Genevera, always w/ the watchful eye. You do part time work for warren whom has proven to be a loyal person. Of course you brothers, Miguel lives w/ you and you ask yourself if he'll ever change. Julian is a model, w/o a job. I am certain years from now not much will have changed in that area. Nick is doing the marriage thing, all good and happy w/ his life. It seems that the people around me are the happiest, I am the sorrow one. Maybe god placed them around me to give me hope.
Truly, all is well in your life. You for all your brilliance just can't see it that way. Perhaps when you read this you will cherish the people that you had around you even more. I have but one hope, when you read this years from now, stop and appreciate life. Tell the people around you that you love them. Some will have passed; others will have gone in another direction. But all have had an influence in your life. Your destiny awaits you. Love yourself. Be happy.