My Husband

I�m from England & my husband is from America. We met in a yahoo chatroom at the worst time of my life, in September 1999. That�s a whole story in its own right, but this is the �uncensored� version.

I was an exchange student at a college in Vermont. The exchange was a compulsory part of my degree � if I�d had a choice, I wouldn�t have gone. At this point in my life I�d been cutting myself for 4 years and was very depressed. I hadn�t made any friends at the new college, so I spent my free time in the computer lab. I had a few good female friends online, who I met at Queendom but none of them were around on the night in question. So I logged onto yahoo chat, to keep myself occupied.

I went straight to a music chatroom, where I found two other people. After some general chit-chat, one of the guys left and I continued to talk to my future-husband. I have no clue how I brought it up, but we started talking about my self harm. I was feeling pretty bad that night and I had no problem talking about my 'issues' with a stranger. I wouldn�t give him the address of the website where I often posted, but at the end of the night I did give him my e mail address.

After a few months and many hours of instant messenger chats, we became good friends. Then in May 2000 we realised we had stronger feelings for each other. I was pretty amazed that he wanted to be with me � I�d come to believe that no one would ever want to be with me, because of my scars and self harm. I thought that my self harm was all there was to me. It defined my personal identity. I�m very lucky that my husband was able to see past it, to who I really am.

My husband is the only person I know who cares about me enough to support me. He�s the one person who has never quit on me. I�ve talked to my fair share of professionals � but they have their time limits & boundaries. I�ve also known a few self harmers offline � but I was never able to talk openly with them either. Self harm is such a private, often shameful, act that I couldn�t break down my walls

I could never have married someone who ignored my self harm or who criticised my behaviour. My husband�s willingness to try to understand my self harm is one of the major reasons I was comfortable with emigrating to his country and marrying him.

My husband is also the major reason that I haven�t cut myself since August 2000. I�ve come to see myself as a better, lovable person. I think my husband is so wonderful - and he loves me, so I can�t be all that bad. I trust his judgment there. We�re also so close that if I ever cut myself � it would be as if I was injuring him�and I could never hurt him like that.

It�s really strange to think about it � but when I was at my lowest point (staying for several nights in the college health center because I was unable to trust myself to stay safe) I met my husband-to-be. I couldn�t see any future for myself then, but God had other plans. It certainly goes to show that you never know what is around the corner � so don�t lose hope. Suicide is definitely never the answer � it�s a permanent �answer� to a temporary situation / feeling.

We still have some issues to work on � relationships are never perfect. I�m still not all that great at talking about my feelings, but we get there in the end. I also need to stop pulling out my hair and biting my skin. But I am doing a lot better than I used to be. :)