They’ve never forgiven me for what happened.
They’ve never forgiven me that it’s all over and she’s gone, and nothing will ever be the same again, although they try to act like its business as usual.
They’ve never forgiven me because it’s all my fault. And I know that, and I accept that, and nothing I can do will ever change the fact that when the dust settled only one Slayer was left standing.
And it was me.
I remember when they first came to me. While the library burned and the fire trucks wailed they approached me as a group. Staring at me with the wariness of hunters dealing with a wild animal that they hadn’t been prepared to face. And given what I had just been through, I was more than willing to play that role, so I stared back. For a moment neither side said a word. And then Giles broke the silence.
"Buffy is dead." His voice was calm, neutral, way too controlled. "You are now the only Slayer left Faith."
I remember the way his shoe scuffed at the tarmac as he tried to think of what to say next.
"The world still needs a protector, and as much as it pains me to say it, you are probably the only choice we have left."
He looked up at me with goldfish-dead eyes.
"Your training begins tomorrow."
I wanted to tell them everything there and then. Try to explain to them just why Buffy betrayed them, just why she had fought by my side only a few minutes before against everything she had ever known. But how could I make them understand? How could I truly convey to them the passion we had shared, the sheer intensity of the love that had made her turn her back on her friends and family and come over to the dark side, just to be with me? They had never experienced anything like that. Just like they had never experienced the kind of agonies I was going through now she was gone. And I’ve never been very good at expressing stuff like that anyway. So I just nodded my head like a good little girl, and the next day everything went back to normal
Except that it didn’t. Not by a long chalk.
I tried so hard to fit in! When he said I should rent Buffy’s old room to help Mrs S I jumped at the chance. When he told me to start taking night-classes and gain at least my high school diploma I did as was told. And when he insisted that I start wearing less revealing clothes, and do more for the community, and never go out except to patrol, and even bleach my hair, did I grab his lapels and scream at him to stop playing Daddy Dearest? No, I turned myself into Marsha-fucking-Brady, just so I could be accepted; trying to make up for the grief and loss I had caused them by filling a place that was never mine to begin with so they could go on with their lives as if nothing had happened.
And they still fell to pieces anyway.
Oz and Xander were the first to go, although each in different ways. The former we hardly noticed because he sort of just drifted away – first from Willow, then from the rest of us, then from the world in general. Now he has his own little room at the local sanatorium where I see him once a week when I volunteer to visit patients, and gosh, *aren’t* they glad when I’m around because I’m the *only* one who ever gets a reaction out of him, even though it’s usually a violent one, but I seem able to handle myself and it *sure* beats him sitting around staring at the walls, doesn’t it? Xander on the other hand …well the coroner recorded a verdict of ‘Death by misadventure’ because he had been building a steady habit for a while and there wasn’t any note or anything that otherwise suggested suicide. But we all knew the truth. If nothing else, his behaviour every time I walked into the room was more than note enough…
Cordelia never left Sunnydale. Buffy’s death seemed to move her in ways I never dreamt possible, so she decided to stay and marry Jonathon, helping us wherever she could in our never-ending battles against evil. Only she couldn’t help at all so she ended up just sitting at home watching Daytime TV, gaining about 300 pounds in the process, while Jonathon’s sportswear business went down the tubes along with her dreams of wealth and luxury and love. And every time I see her she’s sporting a fresh bruise, which I can’t do anything about because I’m a good girl now and can’t go pulling any of that vigilante crap just because the legal system’s hopeless and she refuses to say a word against him…
And as for Willow…
During the day she’s bad enough. She never went to college as planned, deciding instead to train as a Watcher, and since the Council had ruled that my past misdemeanours made me untrustworthy Giles trained her on the spot so I could have two watchdogs instead of one. And every chance she gets she reminds me of that fact, continually hurling abuse as she forces me to train, declaring that no matter how many lives I save I’m still bound for Gehenna for my unnatural desires that corrupted her dearest friend and led her unwittingly to her death.
But at night… At night, while I lie there unable to sleep for the sounds of Mrs S. sobbing in the room next to mine, she appears as if by magic and wordlessly climbs onto my bed and starts kissing me. And as much as I hate her, as much as I hate myself, I let her make love to me, closing my eyes as her lips explore me and pretending to myself that it’s Buffy I’m holding in my arms, it’s Buffy who’s suckles so gently on my nipple
And sometimes I open them again and it is Buffy I’m holding in my arms, and I feel my heart soar as I taste that mouth I’ve long since lost, and feel those delicate fingers work their magic inside me once more… Only when I’m just about to climax I open my eyes and there’s Willow, looking so coy that I see red, and next thing I know she’s lying on her stomach and I’m on top of her, and I’m beating her and I’m beating her and I just can’t stop! Even though she’s looking at me as I do it, her eyes flooding over with silent tears, her body trembling with every blow, and I think to myself If she would just cry out! If she would only fight back then maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to stop, and then we could hold each other and we talk and cry and finally all this crap would start to be resolved and we’d all start being happy again…
But she never does. She just lies there until my strength runs out and I fall, weeping, off her body. And then in the silence that follows she gets up, still trembling, and carefully gathers up all her clothes before turning towards me and whispering two little words
"Thank you."
And next day she just treats me like shit again, as if nothing has happened.
But I’m starting not to mind any of this any more. I’ve been trying to process even if they haven’t, and I think I’ve finally worked out what’s going on between me and them. It’s like that poem by Swinburn that my English Lit teacher made me read last week (and boy did she look surprised when I started laughing and couldn’t stop). They see me as this unforgiving figure, a constant reminder of their failure to save Buffy. Except that they can’t handle being reminded because they know they couldn’t have saved Buffy, couldn’t have stopped her from going over to the Mayor’s side, because she made that decision herself. She chose the path to her own destruction and it had nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. So they treat me like Swinburn’s Madonna, revelling in the pain I bring them whilst hating me and making sure I pay for it for as long as I live.
. Which is where it’s going to go wrong for them. I’m not just some inanimate icon of stone or wood, I’m a real fucking person! With her own guilt and rage and pain and feelings of resentment to deal with. There’s only so much anyone can take before something inside them snaps, and that time for me is coming soon. I can feel it. And when it does, they’re going to hunt me down and kill me like the beast they think I am.
And I deserve it.
Because their only crime was that they couldn’t save Buffy. Whereas I could have done it with just a single word.
But I didn’t.
I could have saved the woman I love by driving her away, but I so didn’t want to lose her that I kept her by my side until fate snatched her from me anyway.
So they made me into their Lady of Pain.
And I hate it.
And I hate it.
And I HATE IT!
But I don’t want it to stop.
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